Wednesday, November 18, 2009

One Day at a Time

I was back into town an hour away again today. I had to have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. At this point I have been referred away from my midwife.

My doctor will be setting up a clinic with an OB and we will go from there. I was hoping that my body would naturally take care of this from here. But it does not seem to be so. The babies are measuring smaller than my dates which means that they have been gone for a short while.

Not only is there a concern for infection but that at this point in the pregnancy (14 weeks) complicated by the fact that I am carrying twins it is also a high risk for hemorrhaging.

My midwife, two OBs at the hospital and now my doctor have all agreed on this.
I feel helpless to fight it.

I am a good 1/2 hr. from a hospital and I'm told that that is plenty of time to bleed out before I get there.

Tradesman is afraid to go to work. He doesn't want me to wait to start miscarrying at home and then end up in serious trouble fast and unable to get to the hospital on my own.

Why cannot this be simpler?

Doing something invasive just seems to add insult to injury. The idea of someone going in and cutting out my little babies is an image that is more than I can bear.

I know that they will not feel anything. I know that their tiny bodies are still and yet it does not seem right nor bring me any comfort.

We cry out to God asking for an answer and yet He is silent on this. We have no peace.


This is the song that started playing in my van today right after I drove by a mom walking her twin babies in a tandem stroller.

(If you would like to hear it and follow along with the lyrics click below-there is no video just music. Remember to turn off my music in my sidebar)

My Heart Will Fly ~ Mercy Me
Why this happened I cannot explain
Why write the script with such heartache and pain
Could there not have been an easier way
Watching life through this glass so faded
I cannot see the bigger picture taking place
Oh to understand one day
My heart will fly
When I finally see you face to face
And my tears will fly away, away
It won’t be long 'till we all go home
With all things revealed
and on that day we’ll finally know
Oh, as we are fully known
My heart will fly
When I finally see you face to face
And my tears will fly away, away
And what appears as incomplete
Is still completely Yours
And one day we’ll see as we’ve been seen
And we’ll soar
My heart will fly
When I finally see you face to face
And my tears will fly away, away


Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry for your loss, i posted on your link on MckMama & i wanted to see how you are doing....
I can see music touches your soul.
The Christian group, watermark have a beautiful pregnancy loss song called Glory Baby
in Christ

Anonymous said...

God wants your trust, as He always commands of His children. I know sometimes His voice is difficult to distinguish in the midst of trials and tribulation, but He desires nothing more than our trust and obedience, especially in situations that darken the paths that we walk. Sometimes He leads us down the dark paths so that He can shine that much brighter in our lives, even though the concept is too difficult for our finite minds to comprehend. We are still lifting you up in prayer.

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Angelica Bays, said...

Oh, Sister, I just can't stand it...but I check back here every day to see how you are and to let you know that tho' I've never met you- I love you. My heart aches for the pain you are going through right now. Know that I hold you in my heart and I wish I could hold you in my arms.
Your Cyber Sister,

Brianne said...

So sorry for all you're going through. I'm praying for you!

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