That's all it took to shake my faith to the very core. Oh how fickle we can be.
I am not immune to suffering. I could share many times in my life where it felt as if the pits were too deep, where the valleys were so very low. Life has not been all cheery and a bed of roses.
Miscarriage has stolen 2 other babies from my arms. What's so different this time?
Honestly, it feels as if I am being stripped bare, that those things in which I hold as so great a passion, as so very much a part of my very being are being all torn away.
There are not many in my life that can probably understand the very deep longing in my heart and soul for twins. One friend that I have had for years would probably be the closest besides tradesman. She has heard my laments throughout the years. Embarrassingly, she has seen my covetousness, and envy with each twin pregnancy that has been announced. I am ashamed to say that some of the pregnancies I was annoyed with. God had bestowed this blessing on some who wanted to end their childbearing, some who really weren't sure that this was a gift they wanted. (That changed of course)
I remember questioning God "Why not me Lord?" I will embrace them, nurse them, hold them, laugh at the craziness of it all and live each day in wonder and awe of such a fascinating gift. I felt ashamed of my jealousy. I prayed for each pregnancy that I heard about. Thanking God for giving that precious gift to them. Asking Him to reveal to them what an incredible joy it would be. Praying that they would see how very fortunate they were.
I realize that I sound selfish. I am just being real.
I have been given 6 precious, healthy babies. Raising them to serve and love the Lord with all of their heart is my greatest desire. I look at this as the very reason for my existence.
"What is the chief end of man?"
"To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."
With each child He has bestowed on me I have taken the task very seriously. Pouring into them all that He has stored up in my heart.
Glorifying God by my daily actions, being sanctified in the difficulties, reaching, overcoming, persevering.
I do not take for granted how very blessed I am that I have been fertile and that my womb has been fruitful.
Barrenness is a pain so deep, so gut wrenching that I will not pretend to know how it could possibly feel.
Women lose their babies everyday. One woman I know recently lost her second baby after only 1 week of fighting for his little life here on earth. She has had to endure two full pregnancies only to have them end both in tragedy. To birth a child so full of promise and hope and then watch helpless as their little life is snuffed out of them only just a short time later. This kind of pain is not fair.
Losing a child at any age after you have given and poured into them so much, loved them, dreamed of their future and thanked God daily for them. I do not know this pain. I pray to God that I never do.
My pain is very real though. It engulfs me. It threatens to cripple me.
I guess its because I saw their little bodies, I felt the magic of it all. I fell so very much in love with them and the promise of the future. I felt God had reached down and given me the very desire of my heart. I felt so unworthy and in awe of His gift to me.
It felt personal, like He really saw me, saw my heart, my very real longings, my deepest desires and that He chose to grant them to me.
On Friday when they told me that there were no heartbeats, I chose to not believe it. I would not accept it. God had specifically given me this gift, He would not take it away. The weekend was spent in much prayer, praise and hungrily searching the scriptures. We went into Monday with renewed strength awaiting a miracle.
Yesterday, when it was again confirmed that indeed our little ones has lost their lives it just felt like a cruel joke. I was so very angry.
However, God is not in the business of cruel jokes. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. We cannot see the big picture. We cannot understand His ways and why He allowed this to happen.
I will hold steadfast to His promise that He works ALL things according to His purpose and for the GOOD of those who love Him.
Oh Father, I lay my precious babies down at the foot of the cross, I give them back to you. Not my will, but yours be done.