Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Laying them Down

4 days.

That's all it took to shake my faith to the very core. Oh how fickle we can be.

I am not immune to suffering. I could share many times in my life where it felt as if the pits were too deep, where the valleys were so very low. Life has not been all cheery and a bed of roses.

Miscarriage has stolen 2 other babies from my arms. What's so different this time?

Honestly, it feels as if I am being stripped bare, that those things in which I hold as so great a passion, as so very much a part of my very being are being all torn away.

There are not many in my life that can probably understand the very deep longing in my heart and soul for twins. One friend that I have had for years would probably be the closest besides tradesman. She has heard my laments throughout the years. Embarrassingly, she has seen my covetousness, and envy with each twin pregnancy that has been announced. I am ashamed to say that some of the pregnancies I was annoyed with. God had bestowed this blessing on some who wanted to end their childbearing, some who really weren't sure that this was a gift they wanted. (That changed of course)

I remember questioning God "Why not me Lord?" I will embrace them, nurse them, hold them, laugh at the craziness of it all and live each day in wonder and awe of such a fascinating gift. I felt ashamed of my jealousy. I prayed for each pregnancy that I heard about. Thanking God for giving that precious gift to them. Asking Him to reveal to them what an incredible joy it would be. Praying that they would see how very fortunate they were.

I realize that I sound selfish. I am just being real.

I have been given 6 precious, healthy babies. Raising them to serve and love the Lord with all of their heart is my greatest desire. I look at this as the very reason for my existence.

"What is the chief end of man?"
"To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

With each child He has bestowed on me I have taken the task very seriously. Pouring into them all that He has stored up in my heart.
Glorifying God by my daily actions, being sanctified in the difficulties, reaching, overcoming, persevering.

I do not take for granted how very blessed I am that I have been fertile and that my womb has been fruitful.
Barrenness is a pain so deep, so gut wrenching that I will not pretend to know how it could possibly feel.

Women lose their babies everyday. One woman I know recently lost her second baby after only 1 week of fighting for his little life here on earth. She has had to endure two full pregnancies only to have them end both in tragedy. To birth a child so full of promise and hope and then watch helpless as their little life is snuffed out of them only just a short time later. This kind of pain is not fair.

Losing a child at any age after you have given and poured into them so much, loved them, dreamed of their future and thanked God daily for them. I do not know this pain. I pray to God that I never do.

My pain is very real though. It engulfs me. It threatens to cripple me.

I guess its because I saw their little bodies, I felt the magic of it all. I fell so very much in love with them and the promise of the future. I felt God had reached down and given me the very desire of my heart. I felt so unworthy and in awe of His gift to me.

It felt personal, like He really saw me, saw my heart, my very real longings, my deepest desires and that He chose to grant them to me.

On Friday when they told me that there were no heartbeats, I chose to not believe it. I would not accept it. God had specifically given me this gift, He would not take it away. The weekend was spent in much prayer, praise and hungrily searching the scriptures. We went into Monday with renewed strength awaiting a miracle.

Yesterday, when it was again confirmed that indeed our little ones has lost their lives it just felt like a cruel joke. I was so very angry.

However, God is not in the business of cruel jokes. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. We cannot see the big picture. We cannot understand His ways and why He allowed this to happen.

I will hold steadfast to His promise that He works ALL things according to His purpose and for the GOOD of those who love Him.

Oh Father, I lay my precious babies down at the foot of the cross, I give them back to you. Not my will, but yours be done.


Erin said...

Thanks for being so truly honest, Sher. I must agree that somehow this just seems harder than the other times. If there's anything I can do, please call or email...anything. In this time of deep hurt, allow those who love you to show how much we care ~ if you can, let the body of Christ do what it does best...love, support, and help you. Know that you have been on my heart since I read your first post.

Paula said...

Oh Sher, you are always so real and honest, and for that, God is glorified. He is big enough and zealous enough for you to hear your hearts cry. You are an incredible example and your choice to praise Him and trust him in such a testing time is an incredible blessing to myself and many others I'm sure. You're right, it doesn't make sense, and it seems cruel, but of course, I'm so blessed to hear your heart and head know things in this life aren't (usually) what they seem. You will see how He uses you in powerful ways to touch other's life with your experience; an assurance that probably doesn't relieve much pain, and I'm so sorry.
"I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
...But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"
Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay." Psalm 40
Love you Sister!

-mimi- said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We have lost 3 of our own, I wish that I had some words to make this easier for you...but I have learned only prayer and time can do that. Please remember that you are not alone and you are surrounded by people who love you. ((HUGS))

Michelle said...

I clicked over here from the BlogFrog, and I am so glad I did. I am humbled by your broken introspection and your heart for the Lord. You have inspired me to search my heart for covetousness in different areas. Praying that the Lord will continue to be near as you draw near to Him.

Robin Saylor said...

Praying for you today (and everyday).

1 Peter 1:3-8
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

tattooedmommy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot begin to express how this kind of loss affects a person. My heart goes out to you and your family and may you find some kind of peace~

inadvertent farmer said...

Twins are such a miracle to begin with...I feel privileged to be a mom of twins even if it is only in heaven I get to hold them again.

Just checking in here today to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. Today is my twins' birthday. I miss them terribly but God has given my broken heart so much to be joyful for. I must praise Him even on this day of grief.

Thanks for the honest post. Kim

paige said...

Sometimes it's so *very* hard to see the blessing through the loss. You *are* the mama of twins...
But, you don't get to raise them - or be with them in this life...
What a blessing each of the days were that you did get... & i'm so very excited to see the fruit that their little lives continue to grow because of God's great Love.
My sister suggested to me that maybe you wanted someone else's story about delayed miscarriage. i'm not sure if she shared my link or not, but here it is...
i'm so very sorry for this most heartbreaking loss.

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