Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered

The day arrived.

My little ones due date came and went. Since it was winter when they died there was far too much snow on the ground to bury them. We decided to wait and bury them on their due date which was May.21 st and along with them the planting of a tree.

I hesitated on whether to show these...that is why it is a week later. If I offend anyone, I am sorry.

Each picture tells a story and has special meaning to me. It is how I needed to capture and remember this whole journey and its conclusion.

The new song(Sweetly Broken)playing on my playlist is the song of my heart these days. The words comfort and restore me...

"At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered "

"In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness"

First Love

I hurt.

There I said it.

I haven't been writing as often because well, I am thinking. I am thinking lots.

My babies were due very soon. 2 weeks actually, but who's counting?

I have been 2 to 3 weeks early with the last 4 children. Considering twins are usually early it's a good chance I would have been cuddling my little ones right now and yet here I am with empty arms.

I ache. I do.

I can't sleep tonight and not because I am up trying to juggle how to nurse 2 wiggly, squishy newborns, but because... I'm not.

Oh, how I wish I was.

I long for it not to hurt. Really I do. I will go to church on Sunday and smile at the woman who is due right around the same time as I was. I will gaze at her belly and be genuinly happy for her, I will. Or if she's not there because her baby has come I will rejoice with her... really.

I will come home and soak up my family. It will be Mothers Day and I will revel in the fact that I AM a mother to 10 beautiful children. 6 of which I have the privilege of spending everyday with and 4 of whom I will spend an eternity with.

I will think about my precious babies in heaven especially my little twins whose hands, fingers, and toes are etched forever in my brain. I will dwell not on my loss, but on my gain.

Yes, I am different.

I am changed.

Maybe not on the outside, but inside there is a whole world of beauty. Not of me, but of Him.

I am still human, I fall oh so very short. But, the love.


Oh, the love.


I cannot begin to describe it.


I know now.


He is my first love.


HE is.



Babies,


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."

~Philippians 1:3 (ESV)

On a Personal Note

I haven't shared a whole lot about the physical side of my loss. It just seemed too personal, too painful to talk about.

After some questions from friends and some emails from women that I do not know personally who were curious about the choices we made I have decided to share.

The day that we went to the hospital one last time to confirm whether or not our babies were truly lost we fully expected to be admitted for a "procedure" if indeed they were.

Thankfully, the obstetrician that we spoke to after checking one last time for a heart beat really spent some time with us. He listened to my heart and my desires and gave me another option.

He was just as adamant as the other OBs and doctors that we do not wait out the miscarriage to come on its own. He too agreed that it was far too big of a risk.

He did however give me the option of taking a drug that would induce labor and allow the miscarriage to happen with the help that would be needed to do it efficiently. He prescribed a drug and allowed me to go home. I would need to take it for 24 to 48 hrs and then return to the hospital for yet another ultrasound. This time it was to be an internal one (lovely) to make sure that the drug did its job fully.

I was thankful to be able to go home, take the drugs and crawl into bed. I won't lie, it was not an easy route to take. The drugs had nasty side effects, the labor came on with a vengeance and the whole thing was messy, painful and difficult.

The decision was not made lightly. The OB had laid out the risks, he told us what to watch for and what to head to the hospital for.

It boiled down to the fact that I wanted to see my babies, I wanted to hold them just once. I know for some women that would just be too painful and I completely respect that.

For me, it was the closure that I craved.

There were a couple of scary hours. The placenta did get stuck and I did pass out at one point. Tradesman prayed fervently and kept watch on my bleeding. God was there. He never left us alone.

When I followed up for the ultrasound I was told that the drugs had adequately expelled everything from my uterus, but that the lining of my uterus still looked abnormal which could be expected from such a large loss. I was warned that my first menstruation would be a doozy. (oh joy)

I did bleed for a good month following. I was not however, quite prepared for the "doozy" that he warned of.

My first menstruation after some spotting and light bleeding came on like a beast in the middle of the night. It awakened both myself and tradesman. (that would be my yelping)

A hot shower while trying to find a way to even sit and ease the pain with lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself was how the rest of the middle of the night played out.

I ended up in bed for the rest of the next day and found the first 24 hrs to be crippling. Even walking to go to the bathroom was brutal. Nausea was a nice sidekick to the whole thing as well. I have had some bad periods but nothing quite like that. At times it took my breath away.

It has now become the gift that just keeps on giving. I am now on day 10 and the bleeding will not stop. The pain is fine, no problem there now. I am just exhausted and spent. I feel weak and drained.

So my question to those of you who have experienced miscarriage is ~

What was your first period like following your loss?

Was it extra long?

I have never had a period that lasted more than 5/6 days and by that time the bleeding was light. After my previous miscarriages it was no different.

This seems to show no signs of slowing down.

I am looking for natural ways that I could heal and feel better. I would like to avoid going back to the hospital if at all possible.

If you do not feel comfortable sharing in my comments please email me at~


thepassionatehousewife@gmail.com


I am so very grateful for the wealth of women who share their wisdom, knowledge, experiences and ideas with one another. What a gift to each of us...thank you.


Blessings,

Refiner of Silver

I have been thinking much about trial and suffering in the Christians life. I have thought about our responsibility in how we walk through that trial, our example to the saved and unsaved around us.

If we mean what we say, and we want our lives to reflect a pursuit of God, than how we see trial is pivotal to how we respond to trial.

Embracing Gods sovereignty and the things that He allows to happen or not happen in our lives should be done with willingness and peace.

Willing - knowing that He will never leave us, and He knows our limits. That He will rescue us before it becomes more than we could possibly bear.

Peace - A real trust that He sees the future, knows the impact on not only our lives but on the ones around us. It is for the greater good. We can have that assurance by faith and His promises despite our limited human knowledge.

Below is something that I came across recently. A woman posted it on a ladies forum to comfort other sisters in Christ who found themselves amidst the fires of trial. I wanted to share it here in hopes that it would bring you joy as it has me.


Malachi 3:3 ~ "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith,

"How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered,



"Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."



With joy being refined,

Here at Your Feet

20 weeks today.

Half way through...such a milestone. I always loved it when I hit this week in my pregnancies. Such excitement, such anticipation. Nice large belly, lots of kicking and active movement, over the hump of morning sickness, looking forward to the promise of new life just around the corner...

I know I should stop counting. I know its wrong, silly, crazy, whatever. I can't help it. Tradesman says that I need to stop, its only going to hurt more. He's right.

I was thinking about them so much today. I was thinking about all the crazy ideas we had for announcing our pregnancy over Christmas to our families. We knew that my big belly would have been impossible to hide any longer.

Funny how sometimes I feel like two different people. On one hand I can laugh, talk, be silly, enjoy the festivities around me. I can pretend everythings just fine.
Then there is this part of me that's not really there at all. It's sort of just watching everything. It's thinking, remembering, hurting, weeping.

I have been listening to tradesmans new Casting Crown cd all day. One song I cannot get out of my head. "Here at Your Feet"

Here at your feet I lay this day down..not in my strength but in Yours I've found
All I need...You're all I need

Jesus, Jesus at your feet oh to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus at your feet there is nowhere else for me...
There is nowhere else for me

Here at your feet I lay my future down...all of my dreams I give to you now
And I find peace... I find peace

Here at your feet, I lay my life down...For You my King, You're all I want now
And my soul sings...Cause I am free


I lay it down, this long day, this constant reminder that I am not 20 weeks pregnant today...I lay it down here at Your feet.
My dreams and hopes for the future...here at your feet Jesus

I am here at your feet Lord, my life it's yours ...there is really nowhere else for me... I find peace in You alone, in You alone my Lord. Peace in knowing that you have it all figured out, you have it all planned.

With You my King, my soul sings. Thank you Father that my soul still sings.

A New Year, new beginnings...not what I thought it looked like, not exactly how I wish it could be. But, exactly where I want to be...

At His Feet.

There are no Tears in Heaven

I was given a beautiful little book from a sweet friend.


"Mommy please don't cry... There are no tears in Heaven."





Of course, once I cracked open the book the tears came freely.



"I met Jesus today Mommy. He cradled me in His big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside."

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."



The book is full of the most exquisite pictures. Looking at them reached down into the very pit of my pain and fulfilled a visual longing I had. Not even really realizing that the longing was there.



The very longing of my heart...to once again be united with my little ones, to have our hearts beat as one.

I know babies that you will wait right there safe and sound enjoying the splendor of heaven, being cared for by the angels and being loved fully by our Heavenly Father.

And I will continue to long for you every day and live in expectation of when I can love on you and care for you like my mamas' heart so desperately wants too.

Peace

The memorial was beautiful. Not only did I feel the spirit of God in the room, but I felt an overwhelming amount of love and support from the people around us.

I have to admit, I still did not feel ready to see people, talk with people, and just be normal. I hid at the front when everyone was coming in. The whole thing was rather surreal.

The ceremony was simple and yet perfect. I felt a peace that I had not felt all week wash over me. Although, I cried throughout the entire ceremony, I dried up when it came time to leave my seat and actually talk to people.

I wish I could say I was gracious and had great things to say, but instead I wandered around rather emotionally spent and a few apples short of a bushel.
Seriously, I introduced family to...uh, family. Tradesmans sister in law to his nephew and wife. Wow, now that was embarrassing.

I walked by one nice man whose wife I know and who had been praying for us consistently throughout this whole thing and just briefly stated "I don't know you" and then kept walking.

I had officially lost it. I think that I said alot of dumb things that didn't make much sense to people, but I really don't remember what I said. The whole thing was so outside my comfort zone, and the emotional state that I was in didn't help much.

There were people that I wanted to connect much more with and yet did not really get a chance too. I was truly overwhelmed by peoples willingness to be there to support us. Some had driven quite a way to get there and others had given up their previous plans to help us out.

Amazing to me how much God can use His people to tangibly show His love through.

A friend who loves us dearly had everything set up and organized when we got there. She amazed me. Her daughter sang for us the song on my blog "I will carry you" during the ceremony. It was breathtaking.
The pastor who did our service not only did a wonderful job, but him and his wife and their group who had been praying for us provided all the food including set up and clean up for the little reception following.
When I was struggling emotionally with putting together our simple little memorial pamphlet, my one friend took 30 min to format and put it together beautifully so all I had to do was take it in to have it copied. She saved me hours and many tears. Her husband and their church also provided the lend of their brand new sound equipment for our singers.
A husband of a sweet couple we know willingly came and selflessly did our worship despite having little time to prepare.

My heart swells with gratitude. My cup overfloweth. God is SO very good.

It is only by Gods grace that the ceremony went as it did and by the people that He worked through.

I know for us that this is not over. I am very aware that my grief is still very real and difficult.
I do have a peace that was not there before. It is a quiet, knowing, and sad peace.

I have to admit both tradesman and I felt very oppressed all last week leading up to the memorial. We were discouraged, a little lost, and overcome with grief.

I am thankful for a God who did not give up on us, who stayed close by and held us tightly in His grip. A God who grants peace out of turmoil and calms the very strong, and mighty storms in our lives.

Tradesman shared with me this song that really ministered to him throughout the week. I thought I would share it here in case it happens to minister to any of you on whatever path or trial you might find yourself in.

	Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

(Don't forget to pause music in my sidebar)

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?

How long must I wait, must I wait for You?

How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me

I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why

I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me

I’m on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers,

Your promises remain

I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear

You call my name

To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?

Hold my heart

Love,

Hope

Its been a tough week. I'm not going to lie. Planning this memorial is not something I wanted to really do.

I do want to honor their little lives despite how short they were. I do want to recognize them in front of family and friends that they were and are very much loved as much as all of our other children.

I do want to acknowledge the creator and author of life as the lover of our souls, the only one who could possible sustain us at this time.

And yet it is so very difficult.

The body of Christ has been wonderful. There has been no shortage of people willing to help and encourage. I have been overwhelmed by peoples generosity.

I wish I could say it lessens the grief, or makes each day more bearable. However, it does not.

When I was looking for a verse for the memorial handout I was overcome with emotion. It just seemed so unfair. I did not want to make a death handout sound nice. It's not nice.

I want to make a birth announcement. I want to shout from the roof tops how very blessed I am. I want to say the very desire of my heart has been heard and answered!

So hard to hear the voice of truth when the loudness of your grief and emotions are all that fill your ears and mind.

I feel dry. I feel empty. I have nothing lofty to share, no great spiritual insights.

It's funny this line from a hymn has been playing in my head over and over again this week.

"I have no other arguments, I have no other pleas, it is enough that Jesus died and that He died for me..."

It has to be enough. I cannot argue my point, my side, how I see things with the Creator of the Universe. I cannot plea something that is already finished, already decided.

He allows NOTHING to happen that goes outside His realm, His sovereign will.

I know He grieves as well. I know His heart hurts when we hurt.

The reality is we live here on earth. We live a life separate from God, in the shadow of sin.

Our sin.

This life here is not meant to be easy. Its full of trials, pain, grief, and sin.

Our hope cannot be based on temporal issues. That's all we have here. TEMPORARY lives.

Our hope must be built on things that are eternal. Our hope must rest on HIM.

His righteousness. His sacrifice that frees us from this sin filled, broken life here on earth.

"Our heart shall rejoice in Him because we have trusted in His holy name. Let your mercy be upon us, just as we hope in you."

Psalm 33:21,22

When I was looking for a verse, this is the one that comforted me. My hope is on Him and Him alone. I can rest assured that "It is well with my soul."

His mercy, His all encompassing love is what I need, and crave to be able live out this life when it doesn't make sense. When all I want to do is shout up at the sky "WHY?"

It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul.

It is enough.

Baby Memorial

For those of you who are in town and are not on our email list or facebook I wanted to post the information here for our memorial as well.

The memorial will take place this Saturday, Dec.5th at 2:00pm
Summerside Community Chapel on Commissioners East of Highbury.


For those of you not coming in bloggy world please keep me in your prayers as I am sure it will be a difficult day.

Thanks so much.

Love in Abundance

Christmas came early this year.


When Tradesman and I were in the States the other night He bought me this.


Love in abundance. Could I describe my heart any better? Not only does it overflow for these precious babies now being held and cared for in heaven, but it bursts at the seam for all that I have been given.

An incredible husband who grieves with me, and still holds me and prays for me every night without fail. 6 sweet children who never let me go long without a smile, a laugh and well, a mess to clean up.

Though I will never have locks of hair to tuck into this wee box, little hands or foot prints, never will I have hospital bracelets, and birth anouncements, but I have this...

A promise that I will see you again. This time my eyes will not behold death, still little fingers and still little toes. Instead you will both curl sweet little hands around my fingers and I will kiss each of your wiggly little toes.

Thank you God for this promise. Thank you for an eternity that awaits.