Monday, December 28, 2009

There are no Tears in Heaven

I was given a beautiful little book from a sweet friend.

"Mommy please don't cry... There are no tears in Heaven."

Of course, once I cracked open the book the tears came freely.

"I met Jesus today Mommy. He cradled me in His big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside."

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

The book is full of the most exquisite pictures. Looking at them reached down into the very pit of my pain and fulfilled a visual longing I had. Not even really realizing that the longing was there.

The very longing of my once again be united with my little ones, to have our hearts beat as one.

I know babies that you will wait right there safe and sound enjoying the splendor of heaven, being cared for by the angels and being loved fully by our Heavenly Father.
And I will continue to long for you every day and live in expectation of when I can love on you and care for you like my mamas' heart so desperately wants too.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours...

Have a bless-ed and Christ filled holiday!!

A very Merry Christmas friends and lots of love,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Girly Improv

I officially declared yesterday board game day around here. I had much clean up and organizing to do throughout the day. If I saw you, you were going to be put to work. If I heard you, you were going to be put to work.

So all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

When it had been awfully quiet for a LONG time, I had thought I better do a check on everyone. There had been a request for tape at one point and my curiosity got the better of me imagining the worst if baby My My got a hold of it. Visions of sugar plums, ornaments and our new kitty covered in tape, danced in my head.

Baby My My was instead found terrorizing the boys chess game and the girls were happily playing a newly repaired game of Mouse Trap.

A pink sparkly emery board had been fastened in place of a missing piece. The girls were not only pleased with the fact that it worked, but they now believed the game looked a whole lot cuter!

Did I mention that I love having girls?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

"What is Sin?"

A son asked his mother the question, "What is sin?"

"Son, Whatever weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God or takes away your relish for spiritual things.
In short, if anything increases the authority of the world and power of the flesh over the spirit, that to you, becomes sin, however good it is in itself."

(Thanks to my friend for sharing this awesome quote with me!)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

"The Reason for the Season?"

So Christians everywhere are all up in arms over "Happy Holidays!" Really??!!
Of all the things to get yourself all in a tizzy over is this really that important?
Don't get me wrong, I am against the secularism, and commercialism of Christmas just as much as some.
Jesus is most definitely the reason for the season!

However, I think what I heard on the radio by dear old Focus on the Family is a bit over the top.
Boycotting stores, signing petitions, and sending in emails to change big corporations advertising and store front clerk greetings. Choosing the stores by their Christian/Christmas friendly rating. Wow.

Why so much energy and precious air time poured into this? Wouldn't it be far more fruitful if we just spent that drive and directed that passion into being like Christ this Christmas.

If you have got the "Keep Christ in Christmas" bumper sticker on your car and yet blaring from your livingroom big screen can be heard our Lord and Saviors name in vain during your favorite T.V. program, what reallys the problem?

If on Sunday is the only time your Bible is cracked open or your head is bowed... if you can look back over this past year and can't think of even one new person that you have shared the gospel with...Could it be that there might be a bigger issue?

It seems that Christians can get so caught up in a bandwagon mentality. "Oh, the nerve, the unrighteousness of it all, I am so offended, we must fight back!"


How about we keep the CHRIST in CHRISTIAN this Christmas and any of the other 364 days of the year. Lets encourage one another to focus on those things that really matter.

"And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him." ~2 Cor.3:18 (TLB I liked the simpleness of the verse in this translation)

When we pursue God, when we seek hard after Him we receive a heart like Him. That is our reward.
Don't settle for lesser passions. What is greater than a heart like Jesus?

Suddenly, your eyes are opened to what really matters. You see the pain and hurt and suffering all around you. You see the multitudes of lost souls. You hunger after truth, and righteousness.

What does that mean? It means you get off your duff and you do something about it! It means that not a day goes by where you haven't spent time on your knees crying out to God to change you, mold you, USE you to further His kingdom, bless those around you and LOVE.

Okay, so the Old Navy salesperson says "Happy Holidays!" you smile real big and say "Well, thank you and a very Merry Christmas to you!"
"And hey, let me tell you a little something about that Christ in Christmas..."

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,

Sunday, December 13, 2009


When a believing person prays, great things happen~ James 5:16

Prayer is the recognition that if God had not engaged himself in our problems we would still be lost in the blackness. It is by his mercy that we have been lifted up. Prayer is that whole process that reminds us of who God is and who we are.

I believe there's great power in prayer. I believe God heals the wounded, and that he can raise the dead. But I don't believe we tell God what to do and when to do it.

God knows that we, with our limited vision, don't even know that for which we should pray. When we entrust our requests to him, we trust him to honor our prayers with holy judgement.

Excerpt from Walking with the Savior ~Max Lucado

Friday, December 11, 2009

Counting my Blessings

I was feeling sorry for myself, wallowing a little in self pity.

I was sharing my pain with God and He gently reminded me of how very blessed I am. I spent some time looking through some pictures of the summer and came across a little fun photo shoot I did at my in laws of 3 of my children. Made a little slide show and felt better.

"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds."-Psalm 147:3

Continuing to count my blessings,

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Season Begins

The Christmas festivities have officially begun here at the Passionate Housewife's house...

This is thanks to two over zealous, relentless, won't stop bugging mama, sweet crafty girls.

Their first craft of the season...

- One glass vase that somehow has not yet been broken in my house of boys.

-Leftover Christmas ribbon and bows from Christmases past.

-Box of candy canes.

-Styrofoam craft balls reused and spilled every year.

-Two very anxious and creative, Christmas loving girls.

And voila.

I love having girls.

Monday, December 7, 2009


The memorial was beautiful. Not only did I feel the spirit of God in the room, but I felt an overwhelming amount of love and support from the people around us.

I have to admit, I still did not feel ready to see people, talk with people, and just be normal. I hid at the front when everyone was coming in. The whole thing was rather surreal.

The ceremony was simple and yet perfect. I felt a peace that I had not felt all week wash over me. Although, I cried throughout the entire ceremony, I dried up when it came time to leave my seat and actually talk to people.

I wish I could say I was gracious and had great things to say, but instead I wandered around rather emotionally spent and a few apples short of a bushel.
Seriously, I introduced family to...uh, family. Tradesmans sister in law to his nephew and wife. Wow, now that was embarrassing.

I walked by one nice man whose wife I know and who had been praying for us consistently throughout this whole thing and just briefly stated "I don't know you" and then kept walking.

I had officially lost it. I think that I said alot of dumb things that didn't make much sense to people, but I really don't remember what I said. The whole thing was so outside my comfort zone, and the emotional state that I was in didn't help much.

There were people that I wanted to connect much more with and yet did not really get a chance too. I was truly overwhelmed by peoples willingness to be there to support us. Some had driven quite a way to get there and others had given up their previous plans to help us out.

Amazing to me how much God can use His people to tangibly show His love through.

A friend who loves us dearly had everything set up and organized when we got there. She amazed me. Her daughter sang for us the song on my blog "I will carry you" during the ceremony. It was breathtaking.
The pastor who did our service not only did a wonderful job, but him and his wife and their group who had been praying for us provided all the food including set up and clean up for the little reception following.
When I was struggling emotionally with putting together our simple little memorial pamphlet, my one friend took 30 min to format and put it together beautifully so all I had to do was take it in to have it copied. She saved me hours and many tears. Her husband and their church also provided the lend of their brand new sound equipment for our singers.
A husband of a sweet couple we know willingly came and selflessly did our worship despite having little time to prepare.

My heart swells with gratitude. My cup overfloweth. God is SO very good.

It is only by Gods grace that the ceremony went as it did and by the people that He worked through.

I know for us that this is not over. I am very aware that my grief is still very real and difficult.
I do have a peace that was not there before. It is a quiet, knowing, and sad peace.

I have to admit both tradesman and I felt very oppressed all last week leading up to the memorial. We were discouraged, a little lost, and overcome with grief.

I am thankful for a God who did not give up on us, who stayed close by and held us tightly in His grip. A God who grants peace out of turmoil and calms the very strong, and mighty storms in our lives.

Tradesman shared with me this song that really ministered to him throughout the week. I thought I would share it here in case it happens to minister to any of you on whatever path or trial you might find yourself in.

Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

(Don't forget to pause music in my sidebar)

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me
I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why
I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers,
Your promises remain
I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear
You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart


Friday, December 4, 2009


Its been a tough week. I'm not going to lie. Planning this memorial is not something I wanted to really do.

I do want to honor their little lives despite how short they were. I do want to recognize them in front of family and friends that they were and are very much loved as much as all of our other children.

I do want to acknowledge the creator and author of life as the lover of our souls, the only one who could possible sustain us at this time.

And yet it is so very difficult.

The body of Christ has been wonderful. There has been no shortage of people willing to help and encourage. I have been overwhelmed by peoples generosity.

I wish I could say it lessens the grief, or makes each day more bearable. However, it does not.

When I was looking for a verse for the memorial handout I was overcome with emotion. It just seemed so unfair. I did not want to make a death handout sound nice. It's not nice.

I want to make a birth announcement. I want to shout from the roof tops how very blessed I am. I want to say the very desire of my heart has been heard and answered!

So hard to hear the voice of truth when the loudness of your grief and emotions are all that fill your ears and mind.

I feel dry. I feel empty. I have nothing lofty to share, no great spiritual insights.

It's funny this line from a hymn has been playing in my head over and over again this week.

"I have no other arguments, I have no other pleas, it is enough that Jesus died and that He died for me..."

It has to be enough. I cannot argue my point, my side, how I see things with the Creator of the Universe. I cannot plea something that is already finished, already decided.

He allows NOTHING to happen that goes outside His realm, His sovereign will.

I know He grieves as well. I know His heart hurts when we hurt.

The reality is we live here on earth. We live a life separate from God, in the shadow of sin.

Our sin.

This life here is not meant to be easy. Its full of trials, pain, grief, and sin.

Our hope cannot be based on temporal issues. That's all we have here. TEMPORARY lives.

Our hope must be built on things that are eternal. Our hope must rest on HIM.

His righteousness. His sacrifice that frees us from this sin filled, broken life here on earth.

"Our heart shall rejoice in Him because we have trusted in His holy name. Let your mercy be upon us, just as we hope in you."

Psalm 33:21,22

When I was looking for a verse, this is the one that comforted me. My hope is on Him and Him alone. I can rest assured that "It is well with my soul."

His mercy, His all encompassing love is what I need, and crave to be able live out this life when it doesn't make sense. When all I want to do is shout up at the sky "WHY?"

It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul.

It is enough.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Baby Memorial

For those of you who are in town and are not on our email list or facebook I wanted to post the information here for our memorial as well.

The memorial will take place this Saturday, Dec.5th at 2:00pm
Summerside Community Chapel on Commissioners East of Highbury.

For those of you not coming in bloggy world please keep me in your prayers as I am sure it will be a difficult day.

Thanks so much.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What's for Breakfast?

Take a guess at what baby My My had for breakfast...

Yes, I am a BAD, BAD mother.

"No, you are not mama, Everyone knows that chocolate cookies are an essential part of a toddlers diet."

"Besides, they are finger lickin' good."

My excuses are as follows :

~I slept in after a restless night of bad dreams and crying.

~I still had not drank a cup of coffee when I tore open this package of cookies to give her one.

~I wanted chocolate cookies too.

~I was having a bad hair day. (could be I need a shower)

~It was sunny outside.

~I didn't want to make her eggs or oatmeal and scooping yogurt into a bowl seemed too much trouble. (Pathetic)

Seems she enjoyed her breakfast, and now that I have confessed, I feel better too.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Love in Abundance

Christmas came early this year.

When Tradesman and I were in the States the other night He bought me this.

Love in abundance. Could I describe my heart any better? Not only does it overflow for these precious babies now being held and cared for in heaven, but it bursts at the seam for all that I have been given.

An incredible husband who grieves with me, and still holds me and prays for me every night without fail. 6 sweet children who never let me go long without a smile, a laugh and well, a mess to clean up.

Though I will never have locks of hair to tuck into this wee box, little hands or foot prints, never will I have hospital bracelets, and birth anouncements, but I have this...

A promise that I will see you again. This time my eyes will not behold death, still little fingers and still little toes. Instead you will both curl sweet little hands around my fingers and I will kiss each of your wiggly little toes.

Thank you God for this promise. Thank you for an eternity that awaits.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I just realized it is the American Thanksgiving today. So....

Happy Thanksgiving! (to my American readers) and uh, to my Canadian readers... um, not so much.

Man, I SO want turkey and stuffing! Since that is SO not gonna happen I am going to just write a thankful list instead.

~I am thankful for tradesman. Not only does he still make my heart go pitter patter and look so very HOT in black shirts, he is my very, very best friend, my beloved, and the only one I would want to be on this crazy journey called life with.

~I am thankful for my 6 children here on earth. They fill my days with laughter, messiness, food prep, kisses, adventure, craziness, and they fill a longing so deep within me for a real family. A longing I have had since I was a little girl.

~I am thankful for our house. We no longer trip over one another. After 12 years in a condo and 5 kids born there, it feels as if our half renovated, half disaster house and property are a palace. My kitchen is big and equipped to feed a small army. (which is what I usually do everyday)

~I am thankful for my new church. It seems as if we have finally found the right fit for our family.

~I am thankful for family and friends. During this time of trial we have seen Gods love shine through for us. We have felt His arms wrap around us in the form of comments, prayers, emails, and food. People that I didn't even know well including online readers have found a special place in my heart just because of their response in this time of need.

~I am thankful that I am a person of few words.

~Never mind.

~I am thankful for my sweet babies in heaven. All 4 of them. Because of the great sorrow that is now interwoven into every fibre of my being, I have a very real and deep ache for heaven.

~I am thankful for my Saviour who has blessed me with all of this for now.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Moving On

It's time to move on, right?

What does that look like exactly?

I guess getting out of bed for one thing, putting one foot in front of the other. Smiling at my children even if there are still tears running down my face.

Tradesman is back at work today. Hard for him to leave, it was hard for me to watch him.

I am comforted by the fact that many people are praying for us. More food came the other day. Despite my children's irresponsible parents who haven't stepped inside a grocery store or prepared anything for them, they are still eating.

I have been so touched how even complete strangers who are friends of friends have reached out. Honestly, if it hadn't been for some family and friends who have helped us in this manner I think we would have drown all the more.

During the times when tradesman and I just wanted to sit for hours reading and praying by the fireplace or lie down together crying, we could.

We didn't have to worry about how or what we were going to feed our other bewildered children.

Knowing that there are meals in the freezer for the coming days when everything seems so hard blesses me. It allows me to be a mama to my children who need me, and yet still a grieving woman.

We have decided to bury our babies here on our property. Tradesman plans on buying a box in the next couple of days. He wants to buy me a willow tree to plant near them in the spring. I have always wanted a weeping willow (how appropriate) in my yard someday. We will have a plaque made and have it screwed to a rock that will sit at the base of the tree.

Tradesman was outside yesterday walking around the side yard trying to find a place where I would be able to see the tree from my kitchen window. He kept waving and pointing his stake trying to get my attention. And all I could see was tiny, little fingers, and itty bitty little toes. The most beautiful, miniature bent little elbows.

These images will forever be engraved in my mind.

Finding normal may not be easy, but we will stumble through.

He draws near to those who draw near to Him. I think I will go sit at His feet for awhile.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Letter to my Babies

Dear Babies,

You were born late last night right into the arms of Jesus.

Daddy and I were scared, it was so very hard. I kept thinking that it was too soon, that this wasn't right. I wanted to keep you safe and sound and warm with me where you belong.

I knew with each stage that we were getting closer. It was so hard to go through it all knowing that my body wasn't working hard to bring life, but death.

I know that you are okay. I know that you are happy and so very loved exactly where you are. A beautiful new and perfect body you have been given.

Although your Heavenly Father chose not to restore you here on earth, I am comforted by the truth that you have been restored for glory.

I ache so very much for you both today. It's no longer "us" but just "me."

I think about all the things that I will never have with you both here on earth. That first incredible moment when you would enter the world with a cry and I would reach out to touch you, and comfort you for the very first time marveling at beautiful new life from my womb.

We will never rock together in my chair while I breathe in your sweet newborn smell. There will be no precious little suckling sounds at my breasts while I nourish your sweet little bodies.
Daddy and I will never get to nestle you both between us, tuck you in safe and sound, cuddling you in our bed. There will be no tangle of little legs and arms wrapped around us in the future making us laugh when we awake in the mornings.

No late night lullabies to help you sleep will be sung here.

Daddy had looked forward to getting to carry you in a sling. Mommy doesn't usually share that part very well but with two little babies, daddy would have finally gotten a turn.

There is something that you both need to know. You have the best daddy in the whole world here on earth. He is so strong around everyone else, and has been mamas rock.

When we are alone, he cries for you both. He never stopped praying for you and pleading for your lives. His faith has been my strength. And yet, his sorrow has been my comfort. I know that I am not alone in wanting you and loving you both.

We trust your Heavenly Father that He will keep you, love you, carry you until we can all be together again. There will be no sad tears, and it will feel like no time has been lost.

You will both always be a part of my very being. Never will a day go by that I won't think of you.

A piece of my heart you will carry in heaven until you are both given back to me.

Until that day when I can swaddle you against my chest, listening to your little hearts beat in rhythm, and feel your sweet baby breaths on my cheeks, I will remember you.


Your mama

Thank-you Lord for fulfilling the very deep desire of my heart, for giving me these babies, these sweet little twins to carry inside of me even for just a short while.

I know that you love them even more than I, so I will find peace in knowing that they are right where they are supposed to be.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Today we say goodbye to our precious little babies or today we stand in awe of a miraculous life-giving God.

Yes, we are still praying for a miracle. While most are sending us their condolences for our loss, we know some are still standing in the gap praying and petitioning for our babies lives.

God has had us on a journey this week. He has worked deep within our souls. We still feel called to pray and plead for our babies lives right until they leave my womb and God has clearly spoken.

It doesn't really matter what the doctors are saying. It doesn't really matter what the circumstances say. We serve an incredible God who heals, restores, and can bring to life.

We were encouraged by some to not grow weary or faint in our praying, to not lose heart. They promised to hold us up this week when we did. It has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Their faith spurred us on. Their encouragement reminded us that this is still not over.

Like Jesus teaches us how to pray in Luke 18:1 The parable of the persistent woman and the judge. She petitioned him relentlessly, so much so that he grew weary of her.

God does not grow weary of us. He wants us to call out to Him day and night and He bears long with us. He wants our faith.

Hebrews 11:1~ Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
2nd Corinthians 5:7~For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Like the widow we have no assurance of what His answer will be. We do not know the mind of the Lord.

And yet, we still need to get out of the boat. I cannot help but feel like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on the water out towards the boat. Jesus called to him and told him to "Come".

John 14:30,31 ~ But when he (Peter) saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Despite the rocky waters this week, despite the storm, I will still obey. I will get out of the boat. I will hold fast to my faith.

The difference is, this time we already have our peace. This time we go in hoping for a miracle but at peace with His perfect plan. Steadfast faith pleases our Lord. Steadfast faith grows us.

Either outcome still benefits us. I truly believe that.

If I leave the hospital today without my precious babies, I will still stand in awe of His greatness, and of His might because despite the sorrow that I will feel, I will marvel at what He has done in me.

I will never be the same.

And for that, I thank you God.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Wow. We have been blessed.

Over the weekend food came. A few meals to feed our family, fruit and veggies to make our kids happy.

Tradesman and I had still not been able to drag our butts to the grocery store, nor was I able to find the energy to make something hot and yummy to nourish my loved ones.

Still vomitting and feeling nauseous along with the emotional turmoil just seems too big a hurdle to find normal.

Thankfully, we are surrounded by people that care, that took the time out of their busy, full lives to make a meal, bake something and we are told that some even donated money for a little grocery shop for us.

I was completely overwhelmed by the generosity and the thoughtfulness. I cried and cried in my kitchen.

One young couple who I taught a few years ago in our highschool homeschool group are now married. The young man insisted to tradesman that he and his sweet wife wanted to bring us out a meal. We live an hour from them. They drove all the way out here just to drop off food for us knowing that we would not be up for a visit. They never expected it. They came, blessed us and then left again. What a sweet sacrifice.

I have never felt the hands and feet of Jesus in His people as much as I have in the last couple of days.

Knowing that others care, that others are thinking about us and praying for us is such a comfort.

It was so nice to watch my children happily eating around the table looking normal and cheerful.

What a cherished gift in this stressful time.

Along with encouraging comments, messages, and scriptures this week, I also received a very precious poem. It came from a very sweet friend and family member.

Over the past week some have shared in the comments their losses. I have received emails from my email group of sad testimonies and stories. I know some of you have followed me over from the blog frog where I posted a question on missed miscarriage, there I read many stories that made me weep with you.

I wanted to share this beautiful little poem that was given to me hoping that it might bring you some comfort as it did me.

Gone to a place

So sweet, so divine, so perfect

For the innocence of an unborn child

Or two, Or three, Or four

Conceived in love; In His likeness

Where they can dance, and sing, and praise

Their Father For giving them a mother and a father

Who will love them through eternity

From afar

Who will remember and cherish them

In words, prayer, and honour

Who will name them

As their kin

As they deserve

Until they can see each other

For the first time

In paradise

In Heaven

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have had so much time to think this week.

I have been trying to comprehend how Gods will works. This is obviously something that our very human minds cannot grasp.

Over last weekend God gave me so much scripture. When I put it all together it seemed to paint a certain picture. A picture I so very much wanted. I believed I was going to receive a miracle.

When tradesman laid his hands on my tummy and prayed, begged and pleaded for the lives of our unborn babies he spoke with such faith, conviction and strength. We had no doubt. Zero.

I had so much joy. It was indescribable. It oozed out of me. I had a peace that passeth all understanding. One scripture that I wrote on my hand and looked at constantly was

Psalm 147:13 ~"He has blessed your children within you." (NKJ)

When I was up in the wee hours last Saturday, I came across it. It shot out at me like a light in the dark. It seemed like His promise to me. Coupled with many other truths he brought me over the next few hours I felt empowered.

I have never experienced faith like that. I have never experienced such joy and peace in a trial before. It really was amazing.

When we left the hospital Monday, I felt so defeated, bruised, broken, betrayed. I felt like I had been to battle and lost. I felt like my God had forsaken me.
Such a lie from the pit of hell. Satan comes to lie, steal, destroy, and to kill.

God NEVER forsakes His people.

I am afraid that this is not going to come out right but I am going to express it anyway. I feel this would have been easier if it had been only one baby. Yes, I would have grieved in so much the same ways. I would have begged and asked for a miracle just the same. One baby is not less important than two by any means.

What has been so difficult about this whole trial has been a prominent question that we have both been grappling with.

Why grant me the very desire of my heart, pick such an intimate request, longing and hope stored up inside of me and then take it away?

Every good and perfect gift comes from God. This was my gift. Or was it?

What if the twins were not the gift?

What if the gift was the suffering?

We have read alot as a family about the persecuted church, and the many native missionaries elsewhere in the world. We pray on a regular basis for them.

So much hardship, so much suffering for the cause of Christ. They endure such trials, ones we cannot imagine in our comfy little lives here in North America.

So many of us who profess to be Christians are unwilling to suffer even just a little bit.

If we give, we give what we are asked to give biblically but not a penny more. We spend time and money on silly pursuits and possessions. We are unwilling to give up movies, books, music, and television that portrays nothing of Gods attributes. Most of it laughs in the face of God and all the things that He holds dear.

There is no worthy thing to be found in any of this. And yet we still gather, spend, and partake. We are unwilling to take a stand, think outside of our own lofty ideas on things of the world.

Many of us have never shared the gospel. We think thats the job of our pastors, missionaries, evangelists. Stepping outside of our comfort zones to talk to the coffee shop lady, the gas attendent, the momma next to you at the playground is just too much to ask.

We want to say we are Christians, we want to talk the talk but we don't want to fully embrace the walk.

Why do churches thrive where there is so much persecution? Why are people so willing to die for their faith?

They know something that we don't. They already have all that they need.

The promise of salvation. It is enough. They get it.

Their souls have been saved from an eternity of hell. And if we have accepted Gods gift and are seeking to live out His righteousness than ours have been as well.
If that was all there was, is it not enough?

Gods grace. He says My grace is sufficient for you. Do you believe that?

I have begun too.

The layers may need to be stripped off one by one. One sacrifice at a time. Not everyones sacrifices are going to look the same. Maybe its giving up our children, maybe its wealth, status, a wayward son or daughter, a spouse that will never be saved, a perfect family, a fulfilling marriage, a job, a home, even our health. It could be simply pride, or selfishness.

I have had the layers stripped off throughout the years. I have had to give up much. I felt Him restore me each and every time. Not without suffering, or pain and not without sacrifice.

I have prayed over the last year that God would continue to refine me, to use me, and equip me for His purpose. This was a test.

Could I give back a gift, what I believed to be a promise, and still trust Him. Would I continue to praise Him.


I will.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.

Yet, I will praise you LORD !

Please Father, hear my heart in the song below.

Vineyard - Yet I Will Praise .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

(pause music in my sidebar)

In the grip of His grace,

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