I have been trying to comprehend how Gods will works. This is obviously something that our very human minds cannot grasp.
Over last weekend God gave me so much scripture. When I put it all together it seemed to paint a certain picture. A picture I so very much wanted. I believed I was going to receive a miracle.
When tradesman laid his hands on my tummy and prayed, begged and pleaded for the lives of our unborn babies he spoke with such faith, conviction and strength. We had no doubt. Zero.
I had so much joy. It was indescribable. It oozed out of me. I had a peace that passeth all understanding. One scripture that I wrote on my hand and looked at constantly was
Psalm 147:13 ~"He has blessed your children within you." (NKJ)
When I was up in the wee hours last Saturday, I came across it. It shot out at me like a light in the dark. It seemed like His promise to me. Coupled with many other truths he brought me over the next few hours I felt empowered.
I have never experienced faith like that. I have never experienced such joy and peace in a trial before. It really was amazing.
When we left the hospital Monday, I felt so defeated, bruised, broken, betrayed. I felt like I had been to battle and lost. I felt like my God had forsaken me.
Such a lie from the pit of hell. Satan comes to lie, steal, destroy, and to kill.
God NEVER forsakes His people.
I am afraid that this is not going to come out right but I am going to express it anyway. I feel this would have been easier if it had been only one baby. Yes, I would have grieved in so much the same ways. I would have begged and asked for a miracle just the same. One baby is not less important than two by any means.
What has been so difficult about this whole trial has been a prominent question that we have both been grappling with.
Why grant me the very desire of my heart, pick such an intimate request, longing and hope stored up inside of me and then take it away?
Every good and perfect gift comes from God. This was my gift. Or was it?
What if the twins were not the gift?
What if the gift was the suffering?
We have read alot as a family about the persecuted church, and the many native missionaries elsewhere in the world. We pray on a regular basis for them.
So much hardship, so much suffering for the cause of Christ. They endure such trials, ones we cannot imagine in our comfy little lives here in North America.
So many of us who profess to be Christians are unwilling to suffer even just a little bit.
If we give, we give what we are asked to give biblically but not a penny more. We spend time and money on silly pursuits and possessions. We are unwilling to give up movies, books, music, and television that portrays nothing of Gods attributes. Most of it laughs in the face of God and all the things that He holds dear.
There is no worthy thing to be found in any of this. And yet we still gather, spend, and partake. We are unwilling to take a stand, think outside of our own lofty ideas on things of the world.
Many of us have never shared the gospel. We think thats the job of our pastors, missionaries, evangelists. Stepping outside of our comfort zones to talk to the coffee shop lady, the gas attendent, the momma next to you at the playground is just too much to ask.
We want to say we are Christians, we want to talk the talk but we don't want to fully embrace the walk.
Why do churches thrive where there is so much persecution? Why are people so willing to die for their faith?
They know something that we don't. They already have all that they need.
The promise of salvation. It is enough. They get it.
Their souls have been saved from an eternity of hell. And if we have accepted Gods gift and are seeking to live out His righteousness than ours have been as well.
If that was all there was, is it not enough?
Gods grace. He says My grace is sufficient for you. Do you believe that?
I have begun too.
The layers may need to be stripped off one by one. One sacrifice at a time. Not everyones sacrifices are going to look the same. Maybe its giving up our children, maybe its wealth, status, a wayward son or daughter, a spouse that will never be saved, a perfect family, a fulfilling marriage, a job, a home, even our health. It could be simply pride, or selfishness.
I have had the layers stripped off throughout the years. I have had to give up much. I felt Him restore me each and every time. Not without suffering, or pain and not without sacrifice.
I have prayed over the last year that God would continue to refine me, to use me, and equip me for His purpose. This was a test.
Could I give back a gift, what I believed to be a promise, and still trust Him. Would I continue to praise Him.
His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.
Yet, I will praise you LORD !
Please Father, hear my heart in the song below.
|Vineyard - Yet I Will Praise .mp3|
|Found at bee mp3 search engine|
(pause music in my sidebar)
In the grip of His grace,