Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have had so much time to think this week.

I have been trying to comprehend how Gods will works. This is obviously something that our very human minds cannot grasp.

Over last weekend God gave me so much scripture. When I put it all together it seemed to paint a certain picture. A picture I so very much wanted. I believed I was going to receive a miracle.

When tradesman laid his hands on my tummy and prayed, begged and pleaded for the lives of our unborn babies he spoke with such faith, conviction and strength. We had no doubt. Zero.

I had so much joy. It was indescribable. It oozed out of me. I had a peace that passeth all understanding. One scripture that I wrote on my hand and looked at constantly was

Psalm 147:13 ~"He has blessed your children within you." (NKJ)

When I was up in the wee hours last Saturday, I came across it. It shot out at me like a light in the dark. It seemed like His promise to me. Coupled with many other truths he brought me over the next few hours I felt empowered.

I have never experienced faith like that. I have never experienced such joy and peace in a trial before. It really was amazing.

When we left the hospital Monday, I felt so defeated, bruised, broken, betrayed. I felt like I had been to battle and lost. I felt like my God had forsaken me.
Such a lie from the pit of hell. Satan comes to lie, steal, destroy, and to kill.

God NEVER forsakes His people.

I am afraid that this is not going to come out right but I am going to express it anyway. I feel this would have been easier if it had been only one baby. Yes, I would have grieved in so much the same ways. I would have begged and asked for a miracle just the same. One baby is not less important than two by any means.

What has been so difficult about this whole trial has been a prominent question that we have both been grappling with.

Why grant me the very desire of my heart, pick such an intimate request, longing and hope stored up inside of me and then take it away?

Every good and perfect gift comes from God. This was my gift. Or was it?

What if the twins were not the gift?

What if the gift was the suffering?

We have read alot as a family about the persecuted church, and the many native missionaries elsewhere in the world. We pray on a regular basis for them.

So much hardship, so much suffering for the cause of Christ. They endure such trials, ones we cannot imagine in our comfy little lives here in North America.

So many of us who profess to be Christians are unwilling to suffer even just a little bit.

If we give, we give what we are asked to give biblically but not a penny more. We spend time and money on silly pursuits and possessions. We are unwilling to give up movies, books, music, and television that portrays nothing of Gods attributes. Most of it laughs in the face of God and all the things that He holds dear.

There is no worthy thing to be found in any of this. And yet we still gather, spend, and partake. We are unwilling to take a stand, think outside of our own lofty ideas on things of the world.

Many of us have never shared the gospel. We think thats the job of our pastors, missionaries, evangelists. Stepping outside of our comfort zones to talk to the coffee shop lady, the gas attendent, the momma next to you at the playground is just too much to ask.

We want to say we are Christians, we want to talk the talk but we don't want to fully embrace the walk.

Why do churches thrive where there is so much persecution? Why are people so willing to die for their faith?

They know something that we don't. They already have all that they need.

The promise of salvation. It is enough. They get it.

Their souls have been saved from an eternity of hell. And if we have accepted Gods gift and are seeking to live out His righteousness than ours have been as well.
If that was all there was, is it not enough?

Gods grace. He says My grace is sufficient for you. Do you believe that?

I have begun too.

The layers may need to be stripped off one by one. One sacrifice at a time. Not everyones sacrifices are going to look the same. Maybe its giving up our children, maybe its wealth, status, a wayward son or daughter, a spouse that will never be saved, a perfect family, a fulfilling marriage, a job, a home, even our health. It could be simply pride, or selfishness.

I have had the layers stripped off throughout the years. I have had to give up much. I felt Him restore me each and every time. Not without suffering, or pain and not without sacrifice.

I have prayed over the last year that God would continue to refine me, to use me, and equip me for His purpose. This was a test.

Could I give back a gift, what I believed to be a promise, and still trust Him. Would I continue to praise Him.


I will.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.

Yet, I will praise you LORD !

Please Father, hear my heart in the song below.

Vineyard - Yet I Will Praise .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

(pause music in my sidebar)

In the grip of His grace,


Angelica Bays, said...

So much to think about. No proper response, but wanted to let you know I was here, have read your thoughtful post and am savoring it as you read this.

My nephew was in a horrific car accident 2 years ago. The Dr's kept tellingmy sister not to hold out too much hope- that Nate would be a vegetable etc., etc., My sister was like a prophet of old- you should have seen her! Standing in the gap, all she needed was Charleton Heston's robe and fake beard, man.
When I saw the last Narnia movie- the scene where little Lucy comes over the bridge to face an entire humming, bristling army? She comes fierce and confident over the rise of the bridge- holding her little butter beat...two...and then you see Aslan following behind her? Oh! how i cried!
That is how my sister was.
That is how I wanna be someday.
That is how you are becoming, my friend. Lucy with her little butter knife against the army of liars- knowing full well that He is all you need.

Oh. And Nate? In college. Doing Algebra.

Anonymous said...

I posted several days ago. Your walk sounds so much like mine. we have 4 daughters. when we lost our first baby at 14 weeks, it was painful. it hurt. They induced me the next day and we delivered a little boy. our first little boy lay lifeless in our arms. I shut down my emotions and after the funeral never cried. I do not know what happened. I would say peace, but I am not sure. We got pregant again several months later. All seemed to be going wonderfully and than at 23 weeks our little boys stopped kicking.
for good.

I delivered him stillborn. we were again induced and we prayed, prayed, prayed for a miracle. if he were delivered alive.. they could keep him that way. We were sure that it was just about having enough faith
the faith of a mustard seed.
we had it. we knew it. we believed oh we believed he would be alive.

we wanted a son so badly.. and as I pushed I prayed and he was born.
was there not enough faith? I had seen in my head, the miracle birth... the witness to God and his miracles.
why was the cord around his neck 3 times?
I know this is more info than you want right now, but I know learning it is about the suffereing. We do not get as close to God as when we have nothing left.
and I know.... there is nothing. the kids are a blessing..but....
there is nothing left.

but the cross.

If you are not familiar with Selah, and the Smith family's story, it is breathtaking, and wow does it make you cry.. but in their latest cd there are two songs. I will carry you and unredeemed.
beautiful, and healing.

through christ. I will be praying. I am a sister in christ who has walked where you are walking and I know the healing you will recieve as long as you keep trusting in Him.
Trust He is good.

Because He lives,

Becky said...

So convicting. I found your blog through MckMama and have stayed and been much encouraged. It's one thing to say the Lord is good, but you take it to a whole new level. The gift of suffering...something we Americans know nothing about and frankly, don't want to. May God revive His people and may it begin with me! Thank you for your words, I look forward to reading more.

Dawnelle said...

wow, sherry- such amazing perspective and grace. thank you for sharing with us. I'm humbled by your post.

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