Friday, May 7, 2010

First Love

I hurt.

There I said it.

I haven't been writing as often because well, I am thinking. I am thinking lots.

My babies were due very soon. 2 weeks actually, but who's counting?

I have been 2 to 3 weeks early with the last 4 children. Considering twins are usually early it's a good chance I would have been cuddling my little ones right now and yet here I am with empty arms.

I ache. I do.

I can't sleep tonight and not because I am up trying to juggle how to nurse 2 wiggly, squishy newborns, but because... I'm not.

Oh, how I wish I was.

I long for it not to hurt. Really I do. I will go to church on Sunday and smile at the woman who is due right around the same time as I was. I will gaze at her belly and be genuinly happy for her, I will. Or if she's not there because her baby has come I will rejoice with her... really.

I will come home and soak up my family. It will be Mothers Day and I will revel in the fact that I AM a mother to 10 beautiful children. 6 of which I have the privilege of spending everyday with and 4 of whom I will spend an eternity with.

I will think about my precious babies in heaven especially my little twins whose hands, fingers, and toes are etched forever in my brain. I will dwell not on my loss, but on my gain.

Yes, I am different.

I am changed.

Maybe not on the outside, but inside there is a whole world of beauty. Not of me, but of Him.

I am still human, I fall oh so very short. But, the love.

Oh, the love.

I cannot begin to describe it.

I know now.

He is my first love.

HE is.


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."

~Philippians 1:3 (ESV)


Anonymous said...

Praise be to God for all his love, mercy and grace!

Anonymous said...

I praise God for the work he has and is doing in your heart!!

He has taken your heart which is beautiful in Christ and has made it even more so.



Dawnelle said...

wow. what a powerful post.

kristi said...

I can`t even put into words what this post has made me feel. What a blessing you are to many others for sharing your heart- thank you and Happy Mother`s Day, Mama-K

Erin said...

Happy Mother's Day, sweet friend. I don't know what to say.

Cat said...

I just came upon your blog, and casually strolling through it, I saw the pictures on this post. It was casual, until I saw the caskets. Then it hit me. Tears.
I don't often dig up the sadness I still feel from losing my baby at 14 weeks, but your post--sharing your loss, caused it to pour out of me.
Thank you, and thank you again, for reminding me that though I didn't get to hold or see my baby, someday, I will.
God bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Hi There...

It is a couple of years later to your post. Today, I wrote a post on my own blog about my miscarriage journey and somebody directed me to your site and shared how what you have shared has helped them. So thank you. I confess I don't have the time today, but I will be back to read and share your journey. If you are interested please stop by and share mine. I know how hard it is to share out of this well of pain and thank you for having the courage to do it.

I hope that your journey of healing and hope continues and His mercy is new to you each morning.

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