There I said it.
I haven't been writing as often because well, I am thinking. I am thinking lots.
My babies were due very soon. 2 weeks actually, but who's counting?
I have been 2 to 3 weeks early with the last 4 children. Considering twins are usually early it's a good chance I would have been cuddling my little ones right now and yet here I am with empty arms.
I ache. I do.
I can't sleep tonight and not because I am up trying to juggle how to nurse 2 wiggly, squishy newborns, but because... I'm not.
Oh, how I wish I was.
I long for it not to hurt. Really I do. I will go to church on Sunday and smile at the woman who is due right around the same time as I was. I will gaze at her belly and be genuinly happy for her, I will. Or if she's not there because her baby has come I will rejoice with her... really.
I will come home and soak up my family. It will be Mothers Day and I will revel in the fact that I AM a mother to 10 beautiful children. 6 of which I have the privilege of spending everyday with and 4 of whom I will spend an eternity with.
I will think about my precious babies in heaven especially my little twins whose hands, fingers, and toes are etched forever in my brain. I will dwell not on my loss, but on my gain.
Yes, I am different.
I am changed.
Maybe not on the outside, but inside there is a whole world of beauty. Not of me, but of Him.
I am still human, I fall oh so very short. But, the love.
Oh, the love.
I cannot begin to describe it.
I know now.
He is my first love.
"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."
~Philippians 1:3 (ESV)