Grace

I have had so much time to think this week.

I have been trying to comprehend how Gods will works. This is obviously something that our very human minds cannot grasp.

Over last weekend God gave me so much scripture. When I put it all together it seemed to paint a certain picture. A picture I so very much wanted. I believed I was going to receive a miracle.

When tradesman laid his hands on my tummy and prayed, begged and pleaded for the lives of our unborn babies he spoke with such faith, conviction and strength. We had no doubt. Zero.

I had so much joy. It was indescribable. It oozed out of me. I had a peace that passeth all understanding. One scripture that I wrote on my hand and looked at constantly was

Psalm 147:13 ~"He has blessed your children within you." (NKJ)

When I was up in the wee hours last Saturday, I came across it. It shot out at me like a light in the dark. It seemed like His promise to me. Coupled with many other truths he brought me over the next few hours I felt empowered.

I have never experienced faith like that. I have never experienced such joy and peace in a trial before. It really was amazing.

When we left the hospital Monday, I felt so defeated, bruised, broken, betrayed. I felt like I had been to battle and lost. I felt like my God had forsaken me.
Such a lie from the pit of hell. Satan comes to lie, steal, destroy, and to kill.

God NEVER forsakes His people.

I am afraid that this is not going to come out right but I am going to express it anyway. I feel this would have been easier if it had been only one baby. Yes, I would have grieved in so much the same ways. I would have begged and asked for a miracle just the same. One baby is not less important than two by any means.

What has been so difficult about this whole trial has been a prominent question that we have both been grappling with.

Why grant me the very desire of my heart, pick such an intimate request, longing and hope stored up inside of me and then take it away?

Every good and perfect gift comes from God. This was my gift. Or was it?

What if the twins were not the gift?

What if the gift was the suffering?

We have read alot as a family about the persecuted church, and the many native missionaries elsewhere in the world. We pray on a regular basis for them.

So much hardship, so much suffering for the cause of Christ. They endure such trials, ones we cannot imagine in our comfy little lives here in North America.

So many of us who profess to be Christians are unwilling to suffer even just a little bit.

If we give, we give what we are asked to give biblically but not a penny more. We spend time and money on silly pursuits and possessions. We are unwilling to give up movies, books, music, and television that portrays nothing of Gods attributes. Most of it laughs in the face of God and all the things that He holds dear.

There is no worthy thing to be found in any of this. And yet we still gather, spend, and partake. We are unwilling to take a stand, think outside of our own lofty ideas on things of the world.

Many of us have never shared the gospel. We think thats the job of our pastors, missionaries, evangelists. Stepping outside of our comfort zones to talk to the coffee shop lady, the gas attendent, the momma next to you at the playground is just too much to ask.

We want to say we are Christians, we want to talk the talk but we don't want to fully embrace the walk.

Why do churches thrive where there is so much persecution? Why are people so willing to die for their faith?

They know something that we don't. They already have all that they need.

The promise of salvation. It is enough. They get it.

Their souls have been saved from an eternity of hell. And if we have accepted Gods gift and are seeking to live out His righteousness than ours have been as well.
If that was all there was, is it not enough?

Gods grace. He says My grace is sufficient for you. Do you believe that?

I have begun too.

The layers may need to be stripped off one by one. One sacrifice at a time. Not everyones sacrifices are going to look the same. Maybe its giving up our children, maybe its wealth, status, a wayward son or daughter, a spouse that will never be saved, a perfect family, a fulfilling marriage, a job, a home, even our health. It could be simply pride, or selfishness.

I have had the layers stripped off throughout the years. I have had to give up much. I felt Him restore me each and every time. Not without suffering, or pain and not without sacrifice.

I have prayed over the last year that God would continue to refine me, to use me, and equip me for His purpose. This was a test.

Could I give back a gift, what I believed to be a promise, and still trust Him. Would I continue to praise Him.

Yes.

I will.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.

Yet, I will praise you LORD !

Please Father, hear my heart in the song below.

	Vineyard - Yet I Will Praise .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

(pause music in my sidebar)





In the grip of His grace,

A Reason to Smile

We interrupt this regular depressing, scheduled programming to bring you a special broadcast by baby My My.

I am so cute!

I am so cute when I steal mamas toothbrush and pretend to brush my teeth.

I am so cute when I pretend to spit in the sink like mama.

I am so cute when mama puts goofy hats on me with giant pom poms.

They accentuate my very yummy chubby cheeks.

Chubby cheeks is very much the in thing with babies right now ~ in case you didn't know.

I am so very cute when mama is sad.

And I take that job very seriously.

Waiting

Got a call from an OBs office today. A clinic has been set up with him on Monday. This comes with strict instructions from my doctor, the OB and even the receptionist..sheesh.

If at any time I begin to have symptoms... a fever, a sore abdomen, cramping, feeling unwell, spotting, weird discharge, a blue toe, new grey hair, whatever, I am to go directly to emergency.

As if tradesman is not anxious enough. Now I will receive 4632 calls from him tomorrow checking in from work. I'm usually the neurotic one.

So we simply now wait.

I need to find some normalcy in the next handful of days for my children.

They have been such troopers this past week. The eldest two have held down the fort most of the time. They had to babysit for almost 2 long days while I was out of town with both hospital visits and doctor.

They have all eaten cereal for breakfast, lunch and supper everyday unless of course you count the pogos tradesman made for them one night. Not a far stretch nutritionally from cereal, but hey, they had protein. (is processed wieners technically protein?)

I need to do my job, I need to grocery shop, I need to stop crying.

I have no idea what next week holds, it could be back to cereal again.
For now, for the next couple of days I will try to make the best of them.

I will watch my little girls dance in the kitchen when they ask me too. I will read stories to my two little ones and I will look braver so my big boys don't keep feeling the need to reach out and hug me everytime they walk by.

Its funny. I could barely be seen without my Bible in hand during the weekend. I poured over the scriptures with abandon. I would awake during the night and reach for it, I would arise early and soak it up. My Bible came with me to the hospital and tradesman and I read constantly. When I sat alone in the little rooms, I took joy in His word.

I have not opened it since Monday.

Thankfully, His words are very much stored up in my heart, mind and soul. Scripture has come to me abundantly since Monday, but I have had no desire to open His precious word.

My prayers spilled out of me during the weekend. Like my reading it was day and night. I always had so much to say. Now I open my mouth and nothing comes out.

Tradesman has prayed enough for both of us. He holds my hand and prays for me. He reminds me that I don't need to have words, but just to be still before God. The Holy Spirit will groan on my behalf. I take comfort in this.

It is time to turn back to His word now. There I will find ~

Solace

Strength

Truth

and most of all, I will find my God whom I so desperately need.


Thank-you for your prayers, encouragement, scripture, kind words and love.

Love,

One Day at a Time

I was back into town an hour away again today. I had to have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. At this point I have been referred away from my midwife.

My doctor will be setting up a clinic with an OB and we will go from there. I was hoping that my body would naturally take care of this from here. But it does not seem to be so. The babies are measuring smaller than my dates which means that they have been gone for a short while.

Not only is there a concern for infection but that at this point in the pregnancy (14 weeks) complicated by the fact that I am carrying twins it is also a high risk for hemorrhaging.

My midwife, two OBs at the hospital and now my doctor have all agreed on this.
I feel helpless to fight it.

I am a good 1/2 hr. from a hospital and I'm told that that is plenty of time to bleed out before I get there.

Tradesman is afraid to go to work. He doesn't want me to wait to start miscarrying at home and then end up in serious trouble fast and unable to get to the hospital on my own.

Why cannot this be simpler?

Doing something invasive just seems to add insult to injury. The idea of someone going in and cutting out my little babies is an image that is more than I can bear.

I know that they will not feel anything. I know that their tiny bodies are still and yet it does not seem right nor bring me any comfort.

We cry out to God asking for an answer and yet He is silent on this. We have no peace.

~~~

This is the song that started playing in my van today right after I drove by a mom walking her twin babies in a tandem stroller.

(If you would like to hear it and follow along with the lyrics click below-there is no video just music. Remember to turn off my music in my sidebar)

My Heart Will Fly ~ Mercy Me

Why this happened I cannot explain

Why write the script with such heartache and pain

Could there not have been an easier way

Watching life through this glass so faded

I cannot see the bigger picture taking place

Oh to understand one day

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

It won’t be long 'till we all go home

With all things revealed

and on that day we’ll finally know

Oh, as we are fully known

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

And what appears as incomplete

Is still completely Yours

And one day we’ll see as we’ve been seen

And we’ll soar

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

Laying them Down

4 days.

That's all it took to shake my faith to the very core. Oh how fickle we can be.

I am not immune to suffering. I could share many times in my life where it felt as if the pits were too deep, where the valleys were so very low. Life has not been all cheery and a bed of roses.

Miscarriage has stolen 2 other babies from my arms. What's so different this time?

Honestly, it feels as if I am being stripped bare, that those things in which I hold as so great a passion, as so very much a part of my very being are being all torn away.

There are not many in my life that can probably understand the very deep longing in my heart and soul for twins. One friend that I have had for years would probably be the closest besides tradesman. She has heard my laments throughout the years. Embarrassingly, she has seen my covetousness, and envy with each twin pregnancy that has been announced. I am ashamed to say that some of the pregnancies I was annoyed with. God had bestowed this blessing on some who wanted to end their childbearing, some who really weren't sure that this was a gift they wanted. (That changed of course)

I remember questioning God "Why not me Lord?" I will embrace them, nurse them, hold them, laugh at the craziness of it all and live each day in wonder and awe of such a fascinating gift. I felt ashamed of my jealousy. I prayed for each pregnancy that I heard about. Thanking God for giving that precious gift to them. Asking Him to reveal to them what an incredible joy it would be. Praying that they would see how very fortunate they were.

I realize that I sound selfish. I am just being real.

I have been given 6 precious, healthy babies. Raising them to serve and love the Lord with all of their heart is my greatest desire. I look at this as the very reason for my existence.

"What is the chief end of man?"
"To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

With each child He has bestowed on me I have taken the task very seriously. Pouring into them all that He has stored up in my heart.
Glorifying God by my daily actions, being sanctified in the difficulties, reaching, overcoming, persevering.

I do not take for granted how very blessed I am that I have been fertile and that my womb has been fruitful.
Barrenness is a pain so deep, so gut wrenching that I will not pretend to know how it could possibly feel.

Women lose their babies everyday. One woman I know recently lost her second baby after only 1 week of fighting for his little life here on earth. She has had to endure two full pregnancies only to have them end both in tragedy. To birth a child so full of promise and hope and then watch helpless as their little life is snuffed out of them only just a short time later. This kind of pain is not fair.


Losing a child at any age after you have given and poured into them so much, loved them, dreamed of their future and thanked God daily for them. I do not know this pain. I pray to God that I never do.

My pain is very real though. It engulfs me. It threatens to cripple me.


I guess its because I saw their little bodies, I felt the magic of it all. I fell so very much in love with them and the promise of the future. I felt God had reached down and given me the very desire of my heart. I felt so unworthy and in awe of His gift to me.

It felt personal, like He really saw me, saw my heart, my very real longings, my deepest desires and that He chose to grant them to me.

On Friday when they told me that there were no heartbeats, I chose to not believe it. I would not accept it. God had specifically given me this gift, He would not take it away. The weekend was spent in much prayer, praise and hungrily searching the scriptures. We went into Monday with renewed strength awaiting a miracle.

Yesterday, when it was again confirmed that indeed our little ones has lost their lives it just felt like a cruel joke. I was so very angry.

However, God is not in the business of cruel jokes. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. We cannot see the big picture. We cannot understand His ways and why He allowed this to happen.

I will hold steadfast to His promise that He works ALL things according to His purpose and for the GOOD of those who love Him.

Oh Father, I lay my precious babies down at the foot of the cross, I give them back to you. Not my will, but yours be done.

~ He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. ~

We spent hours at the hospital today.

3 people came into the room to tell me my babies were dead.

I watched their little lifeless bodies on the screen in disbelief.
The beautiful, promising little flicker that beats in rhythm was just an unmoving, silent white blur on both of their small forms. And yet somehow, it screamed at me as if it could be the only thing heard in the room.

I felt as if I might stop breathing at any moment. The room felt so dark and depressing and yet moments before it had felt full of expectation and hope.

I had so many emotions while I lied there. Honestly, I cannot share them all right now. I will write throughout the week what the two days leading up to today held.

Tonight as I write this my babies are still tucked away safe in my womb. I hold them and cherish what little time I have left.

My body has not yet received the message that it is no longer needed to nurture these precious wee ones. I spent 30 mins over the toilet this morning vomiting continually until my stomach muscles ached. Its strange still feeling pregnant.

Nothing has changed, and yet everything has.

These two little ones now join our other two babies that have been lost throughout the years in heaven.
4 sweet children awaiting us in heaven.

Can I confess that I want these babies here on earth? Can I confess that it hurts so much I feel as if I'm suffocating?



(Turn off music in my sidebar)


Broken but not consumed,

~ I will Praise You in this Storm ~

I am 13 weeks pregnant.

Yesterday I was elated to see TWO beautiful babies on the ultrasound screen.
It has been my hearts desire to have twins for as long as I can remember. I secretly have hoped each and every time that I have been expecting that just maybe there might be two little ones nestled together in my womb.

As I laid on the bed and stared in wonder, I felt that my greatest desire had been fulfilled. I left there in awe and amazement. I literally floated all afternoon and into the evening. When I called Tradesman, he got all choked up. After he ended his call with me he went out to the driveway of the customers house that he was at and dropped to his knees right there beside his van praising God for His gift to us, for His sovereignty and His goodness.

Last night we whispered and laughed, prayed and dreamed about all that was to come.

Today we received a call.
Our babies had died. A heartbeat could not be found on either of our babies.

We are bewildered, broken but not without hope. I will be going in for another ultrasound on Monday.
Two days to pray, trust and hope for a miracle.

He is still God and He is still on the throne.

We will praise Him if our babies are alive and well. We will praise Him if our babies are truly gone.

Please pray with us this weekend.

If you could leave a comment letting me know you are praying, I would find great encouragement in that over the weekend.

Love,

~Encouragement for Moms~

You’re up all night with a screaming baby

You run all day at the speed of life

And every day you feel a little bit less

like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours

and you wonder if anything worth doing got done

Well maybe you just don’t know

or maybe you’ve forgotten

That you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

With every, “I know you can do it”and every tear that you kiss away

So many little things that seem to go unnoticed

they’re just like the drops of rainover time, they become a river

And you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

You’re beautiful, so beautiful

how you’re changing the world,

yeah you’re changing the world

You, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

I believe that you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

~Steven Curtis Chapman

Click HERE to listen to this beautiful song. (Turn off music in my sidebar)

"Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

~Proverbs 31:31

You are changing the world mamas.

Love,

~ A Reflection ~

"A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself."

~ A.W. Tozer

~ I am but a Butterfly ~

I came across this short film and loved it. It is worth watching, but you will need 20 minutes for the show. (It also takes a bit to load so I just left it and came back~also turn off music in my sidebar)


*Warning* this movie is considered family friendly but I would preview it first to see what ages you would be comfortable with and whether you are willing to be prepared to answer a couple of awkward questions if they came up. (one scene where a pregnant prostitute is thrown out of a brothel and a man throws a coin at her)


I have to admit this movie made me cry...of course I am a rather big sap so it doesn't take much!

It really got me thinking about myself and tradesman and our family. I started to think about some of the people, speakers, leaders that I look up too. Many of them have stories of great redemption.

So many of us in the body of Christ are misfits. Many of us do not come from a long line of godly family members. There was no rich, spiritual heritage passed on to us.

God FOUND us. Broken, wretched, lonely, needy, we were found. A desire was born, a fire lit, passions grew.

Like many, I feel so unworthy. I have wondered as well "why me?" Why would the incredible, Awesome God of the universe choose me? Why take me out of a childhood of sorrow and restore me?

Why bless tradesman and I in the early years of marriage and pursue us when we turned our backs and lived a selfish life more interested in the things of the world rather than your holiness?

Why bless us with many children and trust us to raise them steeped in your ways, equip them for leadership and train them in godliness? How can we possibly be qualified for such a feat?

Why give me the privilege to speak into other women's lives encouraging and exhorting when I am but a misshapen, dusty, dinged up shell.


I AM NOT WORTHY.


WE ARE NOT WORTHY.


That's the beauty of it...Grace. Glorious, freely given, heart healing grace.

I love the line in the movie where Mendez says "The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!"

So very true. His glory is shown in our triumph, His power is made perfect in our weakness.

Your past does not matter, where you have come from is unimportant. Where you are going is up to you.

No matter where you are today in your spiritual walk, He still desires you. No matter how far you have fallen, you are still His. No matter how much you struggle each day, whether it be your marriage, your children, your own selfishness.. He is still in the business of restoration, of making all things new. He can bring beauty from ashes, turn your tears to joy.


Seek Him, Listen.


You are His child, His beloved child and He wants you just the way you are.



Love and prayers,

~ Churches in a Rut? ~

Churches get in ruts only because individuals get in ruts. It is impossible that the church should do anything that individuals do not do.

It is impossible that we should make any progress except as made by individuals. It is impossible there should be any regress unless individual Christians go backward.

~A.W. Tozer

~ Summer ~

Our

school

books

finally

arrived.

So

summer

is

really

officially

over.

Boo

Hoo.

No

fair.

~ Do Hard Things ~

This summer my 13 yr. old son and I ventured out on a road trip to Chicago to a "Do Hard Things" conference. If you and your teenager haven't read the book, I highly recommend it!

The premise of the book is to challenge teens to rise above low expectations set by an ungodly culture and live lives outside of society's stereotype of adolescence. To embrace character and competence. To rebel against the youth culture of today. They use 1Tim 4:12 to challenge teens to live with exemplary behaviour and reject a life of complacency. Not just to do what comes easily but to rise above and DO HARD THINGS! Don't even get me started on how exciting I find all of this!!

The book was written by then teenagers Alex and Brett Harris. They come from a godly family of speakers, authors and pastors. My son and I have both read the book and have been following their blog for the past year or so.





Since tradesman was planning on taking both our boys to a different conference in Georgia at the end of the summer it was decided that I would do this as a little mother/son weekend get-away.

And of course because I would not dream of leaving little precious baby My at home, she was our third wheel. ( And a cute little 3rd wheel at that! :)





In all of my last minute planning, preparations, packing and such it never really occurred to me that *I* would be the ONE that would be doing all 9+hrs. of driving across a handful of states into a crazy, busy city navigating and such. Not until the night before while in the shower and while thinking about how I still needed to print off my driving directions by mapquest did I finally clue in.

Wowzers, did I ever start to panic!!

I am so NOT confident driving anywhere outside of regular day to day stuff. I am what you call "directionally challenged" putting it nicely. I am even worse now that I am used to country driving. I am so not used to traffic, other cars being close to mine, quick lane changes and all that jazz.

Oh my, was I EVER in for a surprise when I hit the outskirts of Chicago! It was dark since it was late at night and there was what seemed like a million lanes and just as many cars. All I could see was hundreds of lights moving at incredible speed everywhere. I really was afraid!!

I pretty much just clung to the steering wheel. Told my son to read my next direction off the paper over and over again. I seriously started to sing worship songs at the top of my voice to try and calm myself down. We are asked to "pray without ceasing" and I was having absolutely NO trouble with that!

With more stress than I can even explain for the last hour of driving, we arrived at our destination safely.






Unfortunately, our hotel was located 1/2 hr. from the actual location of the conference which was downtown Chicago. I reluctantly got behind the wheel again the next morning and drove right into the fiery furnace fast paced, complex slew of highways and traffic. I have to admit, I hated it, every minute of it, and yes, I tell my children that hate is a strong word and to use it sparingly, but I felt VERY strongly!


I did miss an important turn that morning and ended up on some freeway going to who knows where. I was crying, and flailing while gripping the wheel tightly (picture that). I took some exit and just kept taking turn after turn and driving hoping to find some place to pull over. I called tradesman from my cellphone (guess how much that cost) and had him try and figure out where the heck I had ended up. Besides my much weeping and drama, by Gods providence, I was literally 5 mins. away. TWO turns, thats it! Thats all I had to do and I was safely parked.







The church was beautiful and packed. This picture was taken right after a break and not everyone was back at their seats. We sat in the balcony which was perfect for baby My.







There was a hallway that ran all the way around the outside of the balcony seats. Baby My and I were able to sit on the floor and hear perfectly and she could play and crawl to her hearts content.

You can see my sons feet to the top left of baby Mys head. I wasn't sure what kind of a set up they would have there, but I have always brought my babies everywhere and have always found them to be very content, laidback and very adaptable. I however, was very pleased with how the lay out and accessibility was. It made the whole thing very comfortable for both her and I. She didn't miss a beat and enjoyed herself immensely.

We had a great weekend, loved the sessions, and loved the time together. Honestly though, my son saw me at some pretty weak points. He saw me probably the most emotional he has ever seen me. The whole thing was rough for me, very rough. There are more driving stories but it would be boring to go into all of them. I'm sure it seems silly to some, but fear is a crazy thing.

It cripples us, it steals our joy, it causes us to doubt, and weakens our faith. We become inwardly focused. I had to consistently call on the Lord for strength. I knew that I was living and breathing for my son an example of pushing yourself outside of what you believe are your limits. I was far outside of my comfort zone, and he knew it.

Frankly, I was doing "Hard Things."

It's good for our kids to see us struggle, and fall. How we recover and what we do when we are at our most desperate is what will speak volumes. Seeing me praying, trusting, persevering is what my son will remember about me that weekend. When he struggles and fails, when he himself is crippled with fear he will know that he is not alone and he will know from example that he too can push through, and cling to his Heavenly Father.

If you would like to hear Alex and Brett Harris talk about The Rebelution and their book you can listen to them via podcast. Focus on the Family featured them not long ago on their radio broadcasts and here is a link to listen on their site. Grab your teenager or pre teen and listen in.

Love,

~Turn Away From Evil ~

(Turn music off in my sidebar)

I just loved this video when I came across it on the Rebelution blog. After I seen it, I grabbed my children and had them sit down and watch it.

He explains so well the allure and the deception of sin. He covers how many Christians will try to justify or explain away their choices.

I laughed out loud at his comical skit and yet was so impressed with the TRUTH that was portrayed. Watch this video with your spouse, and with your kids and talk about it.

Discuss those things in your life in which maybe you need to be turning away from. Discuss why you have made some of the choices that you have as a family.

What a great chance to affirm those family choices with your children. The rules that we have, the things that we will not be a part of, events that we will not attend, the books that we will not read, the movies that we will not watch, the lyrics that we will not sing along too are all for this very reason.

We are to TURN AWAY and FLEE from evil...Not watch it, read it, cheer at it, and dance to it!

Romans 16:19~ I want you to be wise of what is good and innocent to what is evil.

When Jesus spent time with sinners He did not justify their sin, He did not join them in it in order to relate to them. He called them out, saw their sin for what it was...the depravity of man. He loved them unconditionally, showed them grace and revealed to them their deep need for Him.

When will we stop justifying our sin.. leading lives of hypocrisy revealing a murky, muddled view of the gospel?