Thursday, May 22, 2008

~ I'm Back and Keeping it Painfully Real ~

Oh, how I have missed blogging. All of the useful and useless thoughts swimming around in my head have had no place to be embellished.

Those of you who were visiting here consistently know that my long break was because of the very pressing nature of my pregnancy. The awful sickness and fatigue had left me the last few months powerless to accomplish anything except that which was absolutely necessary.
You will see below how very much my house suffered.
On a mothering email loop I'm a part of, some of the women complained that it seemed blogs are full of women that seem to have their lives perfectly together, their houses immaculate and their children seem to be part saint. Well, I'm about to blow that theory right out of the water!!

If I have ever in this blog given the impression that I'm the perfect mother and nice as that would be....I am truly not!
The last few months have brought me to my knees in self-pity, depression, fear, disgust, and humility.
I felt like a shell of who I really am, but my Heavenly father brought me to the realization that I really am a shell without him. Without his strength, his comfort, his grace, I am nothing.
As difficult as it has been, I am grateful. Grateful for another lesson learned, grateful that He is so good to me. He had not forgotten me, he was there anytime I chose to call out. Sometimes I was just wallowing to deep to remember.

Okay, well unto even more.. ahem..pleasant things...the slow destruction of my home over the course of this journey.
Here are pictures of what used to be my schoolroom.
It is now the dark abyss of my soul. I weep, and gnash my teeth everytime I set foot inside...not that I can get very far in.

It is humiliating and depressing to post these pictures, but in the spirit of being real, very painfully, teeth pulling real, I have.
I let my two craft crazy daughters and my... um, very perfectly behaved, non- mess making 2yr. old little boy have free reign on this room the entire duration of my incapacitation.
I would just close my eyes and the door whenever I walked by. I lived in denial and refused to face any of it.
I decided that today was the day. I would face this monster once and for all and not come out until it was finished. I lasted all of 20 minutes before I was curled up on the floor sucking my thumb, weeping incessantly. I decided to go make brownies and face it head on with a belly full of chocolate and a new strengthened resolve, Cause you know brownies always do that for you.

I didn't finish today... between the bulldozing, chiseling, and brownie- making, along with the occasional mental break-down it seems its going to take longer than I thought. But, alas, I've posted this so I am now accountable to all of you to finish. Tomorrow with a new batch of brownies I will go forth and conquer.


Salty Star said...

I'm adding you to my list of blogs! I loved your "painfully honest post". I am in my fourth month of pregnancy, and have spent the last three with hyperemesis. Every day being the same. Sleeping as late as I possibly could (less time to have to face the misery of my nausea)...usually around 8AM. Then wake up, struggle to get something for DS to eat. Never homemade and wonderful. Then spend the rest of the entire long, dreadful day sitting or laying on the couch because I was too sick to go or do anything else. I was a slave to the couch and my house, and husband, new it. DH would come home at the end of a long work day and then spend the rest of the evening cooking, cleaning, bathing, taking care of DC, etc. I THANK JESUS that those days are, for the mostpart, gone from me! I am now left with the warpath of my illness. Our house was a wreck before because it's a rehab that is still in early stages of being demolished room by room and started over again, but now with not a single room organized or clean (except the bathroom)'s overwhelming and depressing. But I know it can be done, and I would much rather deal with the effects of the tornado then have to live through it again. blessings to you.

Lana said...

YIPPEE! You are back! If you managed to get the kids to keep 90% of their mess in one room there that's doing GREAT! I've got w hole house semi trashed... I wish id thought of a one room approach. Ahhh the joys of the first trimester?!

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