Wednesday, July 9, 2008
~Stinky, Smelly Pride~
A discussion started on a mothering email list I am a part of. It got rather passionate and opinionated.
Some of my thoughts on the subject were not appreciated by some, and even offended others.
I realized how very sensitive we are as mothers, how insecure and prideful we can be about our mothering styles.
Even though there were mothers that agreed with what I was saying, it's the mothers that feel judged that speak up and feel the need to defend themselves.
My intent was never to question another's method nor imply that my way is the right way.
I love that God made us all unique as mothers, not unlike our children. We are all on a journey of growth, and not all of us are in the same place.
Below, I have posted where I was at almost a year ago. I'm not proud of it. This is an entry from my prayer journal.
A journal entry Sept.2007.
Why is it that I care so much what other mothers think?
Why do I stew over and over again in my head the behavior of my child.
Why do I find myself defensive and resentful like I’ve already been judged?
How do I know this to be true? Is it that I am guilty of this?
When I see a certain behavior by another child I automatically assume it is because of this reason or that reason. I, of course, already have all the answers.
So as I sit in my lofty position of wisdom, I detest that I find myself in the vulnerable situation of being judged. Or so I think.
Today I was in a nursery with my 22mnth old son at my homeschool group with another mother that I know. Her and I do things different. That’s okay, I respect her and most importantly I know her heart. Her heart is in the same place as mine.
She wants to raise godly extraordinary children who not only impact the world for good, but seek to increase Gods kingdom.
So really her and I aren’t really that different after all.
Our day to day choices with our babies and toddlers may be different but our ultimate goals and desires are one in the same.
So why do I find myself on edge when I am with her and her young son?
As mothers we can be so passionately attached to our opinions because really they are what reflect us as individual beings. We derive our value from our choices.
I can find myself insecure at times in the presence of other mothers if my child is not behaving perfectly. This is of course, only other mothers that I know don’t do things like I do. These are mothers that I obviously have already judged and whose baby raising techniques I disagree on.
Apparently, I feel the need to perform to show how my way is far superior.
Ewww… I smell pride. So easy to sneak up on us.
God is so gracious. He knows when we need a lesson. If my littlest one performed just perfectly all the time in front of these mothers that I wanted to impress, than I would really have no need of enlightenment, would I. Thankfully he doesn’t.
Oh, how I love how my Heavenly Father wants to refine me, stretch me, grow me. He’s not just satisfied with a sacrificial heart for my children, He wants a sacrificial heart for Him. He wants me to do away with my pride, my ridiculous judgments, and my insecurities.
Thank you God for never leaving me to myself. For making me uncomfortable in the place I’m in, so that I may seek to restore my heart in line with yours.
I'm glad and thankful for the journey He has brought me on this past year.
I've grown, I look at things a little differently and most importantly, I can rest in the knowledge that God isn't done with me yet.