An Easter Repost

*I wrote this a couple of years ago on my blog, but it still resonates with me every Easter. The internal struggle that I feel and wrestle with... to remember, to revere, to truly desire to embrace my Lords suffering for me and yet the impossibility to do so in a way that gives me peace. Thank you my precious Lord, yet again, for your sacrifice...*


Tears fall on the dark wood floor. My shoulders, they feel so heavy. The weight is unbearable, how I ache to put it down.

This burden of my sin. It cuts deep knowing that after all that He did for me, I still so easily fail Him. His death means freedom from eternal punishment, His resurrection means hope, new life and yet, I still weep.

I know that He is my everything, my all and all and I long to please Him.

Oh Father, how I long to please you.

I wander aimlessly around lost in my thoughts these last couple of days in the aftermath of the Easter weekend.

I reflect at how Jesus still seems to get brushed to the side no matter how much I vow to put Him front and center. I promise every year it will be different. I add new traditions, I am intentional, but in all its planned purpose, it still lacks.

Can we really ever be reverent enough, can we really ever dwell on His holiness, His sacrifice in a way that will satisfy our innermost desire to embrace His suffering and death to the point that somehow we will have given it justice.

Never.

I am human. I am selfish. I will always be at a loss.
Each day as I lay here at His feet, I again realize that it's daily.

Deny, Deny, Deny.

I will deny my flesh. I NEED to deny my flesh.

My humanness is a mess, always such a mess. He is perfect, blameless and He loves...Oh, how my Saviour loves.

I shield my eyes from the mess, the gory, brutal mess of my first love hanging there on that cross. His blood it drips and spills, pours out for me and I feel hot tears fresh on my face. I watch them drip on the floor and marvel at how broken I am yet again.

You bring me to my knees, your love for my wretched soul. I come knowing that I am not worthy, you alone are my ransom. Bought and paid for with the blood stained tree, the spikes encased in flesh, the bruised, battered body and the salty, tear stained face.

Its clear.
My pride, my selfishness, my laziness, my impatience, my anger, my lack of self control, it's all here.

I am led to the cross. In all its ugliness there is beauty too great to put into words. A beauty that takes my breath away.

He thinks I am worthy enough, he has seen something worth saving that I don't see.

I am humbled, my soul stirs deep and I count the cost.


I belong to you.


I belong to you.

I Wish...

I wish I spent more time smiling at my kids rather than correcting.


I wish I spent more time thanking my sweet tradesman for everything he does for me rather than complaining about what still isn't done.


I wish I would welcome unexpected guests into my home graciously and with enthusiasm rather than be so concerned about the state of my home or self.


I wish I spent less time sulking and focusing on how our family has been mistreated by the body of Christ and rather praised God for the sanctifying work He is doing in me and in His people knowing His timing and purposes are perfect.


I wish that I spent more time joyfully cleaning and caring for my many things rather than doing it with disdain and frustration.


All I know is grace.


I have been listening to this beautiful song called "All I have is Christ" by Sovereign Grace

Timely with Good Friday just around the corner. Here are the words.


I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.

Funny how all week I have been singing this song and sang...

"Oh Father, use my wretched life in any way You choose."

Not until tonight did I realize when I looked up the words of the song for this post that not wretched, but ransomed was the actual word.

Thank you Father that the wretchedness in me you have ransomed.

The strength to follow your commands could never come from me. Whatever someone sees in my life is only because of you. My song will forever be, my only boast is you.

Yes, we are wretched...

but we are ransomed.

(remember to turn music off in my sidebar before clicking on video below)

The Lord is My Shepherd

Weariness and discouragement crashes into us, sweeps us under with its overwhelming, damaging waves.

Difficult people and circumstances can wrap themselves around so tight, a noose choking out the last of our breath.

We feel parched, dry, so very drained.

We have a good shepherd, He sees.

He knows when His weary servants are looking for water.

We are thirsting, and He leads the way.

To my word dear ones.

He reminds us that He doesn't do things like we do. He doesn't wrap things up in a nice neat bow and give us the package without a struggle. Expectation of greatness, of hope rises out of futility.

That which seems despairing and pointless is never as it seems.

Our Shepherd is at work. He is at work in our hearts, chipping away at that which He cannot use. Our pride, our conditional love, our anger.

And we can rest in the knowledge that He is at work around us. He calls us to "Believe in Him" (John14:1) Questioning what He's doing or how He is doing it defeats the purpose of the Shepherd. Our Lord leads the way, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable.

The pointless is the pointed. Even the evil, sinful agenda of others God reigns over.

We are subjected to futility not willingly but because of Him who subjected us in hope. (Rom8:20)

Hope for what?

"The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing..."

Can we find our satisfaction in Him alone?

When others seem bent on picking on us, when life's circumstances tap out the last of our strength.

Will our soul cry out in the wilderness....

"I am only satisfied by you..."

Our God is water for our soul! It fills us to overflowing! Courage, faith, new resolve to keep following...no longer with despair, but with joy, springs forth.

What a good Shepherd we follow. He leads us to still waters.

And we drink.

He Chose The Nails

There was a price to be paid.

Was it just love that motivated Christ to bear our weight of sin on that cross?

God is equally holy, just and loving.

His sense of justice demanded a price.

His holiness is unmatched..there is not another suitable sacrifice.
Blemish free, perfect.

There was only one man who could take that punishment so we could be reconciled to God with an opportunity for intimate relationship with Him.

May we not have a flagrant disregard for the cost. May we reverently and fearfully worship the Majesty.





(remember to pause music in the sidebar)



Reflections from Easter past here.

Resting in Him

*entry from my journal winter 2010*

At last her little soft hand reaches for mine. I enclose it, wrap her in arms close.
We rest. I weary in need of a nap, her cranky and needing sleep.

Scooped up she comes to my bed unhappy. I lay down with her and yet she fusses and complains, big tears spill down cheeks.
The pudgy pout takes over her little face. Up she sits resisting and defiant. I whisper love and sing a song of comfort.

I stare at her and contemplate how very much I am like this little strong willed baby girl of mine. How often as of late I wrestle and complain. I resist and fuss about the unfairness of it all.
Why oh why are we being treated this way? I don't understand, I don't like it. How can this be of any good?

I am defiant.

And yet there HE is... so patient, so loving. Beckoning me to rest.

Rest in me.

Know that I see and understand. Know that it is still for your good. I am preparing you, stretching you. You see only now, I see later...much later.

His whisper soothes me. His truth sustains me and I quiet.

She slumbers now, little nose pressed against my cheek, her heavy, contented breathing flows over my face. It is what she needed. Not what she wanted, but mommy knows.
She is assured that when it's uncomfortable or uneasy, I will still be there.

Never alone. Only an outstretched hand away. Just like my Father in heaven.



I will reach out for His hand and I will rest.


"If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all... they are meant to make you useful in His hands."
~ Oswald Chambers

What Can I Bring?

less of me, more of you

so simple, you want me, my gratitude, my whole life for you

i deserve none of it, you have blessed me

grace, mercy... oh, lowly me

i give it up... my self, my wants

it's only you

just you.

what can i bring?

simply me

your wonder fills my every sense

i know you now more than ever

and yet i am still left wanting more of you

boundless... my gratitude

not worthy of this

these gifts, this life

it's not mine to keep...

to hold tight too

but yours to commit.

i'm ready.


*for those of you who are grammar junkies, I apologize. The "i" was left uncapitalized on purpose. :)

Zeal

I am still working on my Question/Answer post - so for now I leave you with a quote by Charles Spurgeon that I just love and came across this past weekend...



"If you never have sleepless hours, if you never have weeping eyes, if your hearts never swell as if they would burst, you need not anticipate that you will be called zealous. You do not know the beginning of true zeal, for the foundation of Christian zeal lies in the heart. The heart must be heavy with grief and yet must beat high with holy ardor. The heart must be vehement in desire, panting continually for God's glory, or else we shall never attain to anything like the zeal which God would have us to know."

Reaching the Bottom?

This is what the bottom of my hamper looked like today.

Do you still want to be my friend?

I don't see the bottom of my hamper ever often. The orange peel looked rather fresh though, go figure. The unidentifiable brown object beside the pencil...ya, not so much.

Yes, I realize that only one of the sections of my hamper I was actually able to find bottom. The other 2 are still bulging with clothing. What can I say I have 6 children and am married to a tradesman and I really like chocolate. Not sure how that last one plays a part, but I figured you should be informed.

I was thinking today while I was doing my laundry because well, that's when all my deep thinking takes place. Amongst the sorting, spot washing, sniffing, and tossing, I was dwelling on the fact that I feel just like that hamper as of late.

I feel like I empty out all the things that need cleaning to God. I give over my big pile of mess. I feel like I am getting to the bottom. I am submitting in the areas that I need to. I hand over my fears, my pride, my will.

Then there at the bottom just when I thought I was gaining ground in this "laundry" I find myself staring at... trash.

There are things that I and maybe you? just aren't able to let go of on our own. And unfortunately, these are the among the most unsightly things of all.

Thankfully, we serve a God of grace and mercy. He promises that He will never leave us to ourselves.

"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it..." ~Phil 1:6

The truth is we will never be perfect here on earth.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect" ~2 Samuel 22:33

It is God who is perfect. It is His plan and His way for us that are perfect.

The truth is that what we really need to strive for is simply...

Him.

Bless-ed Communion

I eat of the bread and drink of the juice, I reflect...

His body, His red blood poured out for me.

Bless-ed communion.

Has it ever tasted this sweet? Have I ever been this moved?

My body shakes, it trembles hard.

My Jesus... can I call Him that? Is it that personal, does He long for me like I long for Him?

I grip tightly the cup, his suffering full. I taste of it. I have sipped the suffering, I have paid a small price for this fellowship.

Heart aching, my lips part and they whisper grateful prayers.

Tears roll down my cheeks, I cannot contain them. I stare down and wonder, can they all see?

This joy. This joy inside of me that springs forth uninhibited, it cannot be slowed.

I am overcome.

He is Lord, I am His.

Fire for Jesus

I received an email where a woman was expressing how her fire for Jesus had gone out. She confessed that she just did not have that flame blazing in her soul any longer.

I responded to her with an analogy that I heard a speaker and friend share. He compared the distractions of the world that steal our time and attention as the appealing lure of junk food.
We consume junk food regularly because we like it and want it despite how it might make us feel and how little it benefits us.

I look at it like this. Life and all the distractions that the world offers us vie for our attention and time. We consume regularly despite how detrimental these things are to our

intimate walk with Christ.

Just like junk food we are drawn to these things. They tempt us and seem so very appealing and yet we are still left hungry and wanting. And even more so we are left, sick, uncomfortable and regretting.

Many of us if given a choice between eating a big, fried, butter laden, hot and tasty dinner complete with a big ol' piece of chocolate cake or instead choose a couple of hard boiled eggs, veggie salad and an orange for dessert, most of us would opt to bring on the butter!


We hunger for what we feed ourselves regularly.


What happens if we change our diet?
When we begin to choose the salad and egg or other healthy choices consistently eventually that style of eating will become far more appealing to us.
We will even begin to hunger and crave after it.

It is no different with how we use our time, with what we "consume" on a daily basis. If you find yourself bored with reading your Bible or always distracted while praying, if you find that you no longer feel passionate about your walk with God it might just be time to take a good, hard look at "what" you are feeding yourself.

Begin in your life to get rid of all outside distractions... T.V, books, movies, worldly music and instead choose Gods word, prayer, sermons online, praise/worship music.


You will begin to truly feed your starved soul.


What you once craved you will no longer want. You will hunger after the Father, you will crave His word and time spent on your knees will be a balm to your heart, food to your soul, and your joy will become abundant!

Fire will come, passions will stir within and watch out, because God will do a work in your life and in your family!!

Tradesman and I play a sermon almost daily in our house. To some that might seem excessive but to us it's exciting. I look forward to it. I crave it. I can hardly wait to get on that couch with him at night and pop on a sermon. We gave up watching any t.v. a couple of years ago and pretty much dropped movies as well. We still like to watch one once in a while when we get one for a good deal at the Christian bookstore but for the most part it just does not interest us much these days.
We want to be challenged, we want to be moved and listening to great godly teaching regularly does just that.

Here are a couple of our family's favorite sites.


http://www.1031sermonjams.com/ ~Little snippets of powerful sermons with music in the background. Incredible speakers and pastors. You will probably recognize most of them. When I put one of these on in my house, I can guarantee that my older children will be hovered around the computer in no time.

http://www.illbehonest.com/ ~ A mix of short and long, challenging and life changing sermons. (My favorite "You must suffer" with John Piper, Tradesmans favorite.. anything by Paul Washer)

http://www.sermonaudio.com/ ~ We like to look up our favorite speakers and pastors on here and listen to whole series of sermons done by them.

*Updated new link* http://www.disciplemakingintl.org/media/ ~ This is David Platts resource site. A pastor that we as a family have come to respect greatly. So many incredible and challenging sermon series. We are learning much.

Another favorite passion of ours is audio books. Hanging out on the couch together cuddling and listening to a challenging book not only is great time spent, it also fosters awesome communication that spurs one another on.

http://www.christianaudio.com/ ~ This site has a free audio book download every month. So far we have downloaded a few books that we have loved. Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Desiring God by John Piper, Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan, currently we are listening to The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns (this months free download)

This is just a small sampling of some of the many amazing resources out there available to us. We have many more sites that we love and I wish that there were more hours in the day to take it all in.

When it comes to what we put in our minds we should be picky. With stuff that isn't necessarily bad we still should be choosy. Whatever our diet may be, it will have a profound effect on that which we hunger after.


"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~ Matthew 5:6



Feed the fire!

First Love

I hurt.

There I said it.

I haven't been writing as often because well, I am thinking. I am thinking lots.

My babies were due very soon. 2 weeks actually, but who's counting?

I have been 2 to 3 weeks early with the last 4 children. Considering twins are usually early it's a good chance I would have been cuddling my little ones right now and yet here I am with empty arms.

I ache. I do.

I can't sleep tonight and not because I am up trying to juggle how to nurse 2 wiggly, squishy newborns, but because... I'm not.

Oh, how I wish I was.

I long for it not to hurt. Really I do. I will go to church on Sunday and smile at the woman who is due right around the same time as I was. I will gaze at her belly and be genuinly happy for her, I will. Or if she's not there because her baby has come I will rejoice with her... really.

I will come home and soak up my family. It will be Mothers Day and I will revel in the fact that I AM a mother to 10 beautiful children. 6 of which I have the privilege of spending everyday with and 4 of whom I will spend an eternity with.

I will think about my precious babies in heaven especially my little twins whose hands, fingers, and toes are etched forever in my brain. I will dwell not on my loss, but on my gain.

Yes, I am different.

I am changed.

Maybe not on the outside, but inside there is a whole world of beauty. Not of me, but of Him.

I am still human, I fall oh so very short. But, the love.


Oh, the love.


I cannot begin to describe it.


I know now.


He is my first love.


HE is.



Babies,


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."

~Philippians 1:3 (ESV)

How Important Is It?

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance.

The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

~C. S. Lewis

Has it become moderately important to you?

I Belong to You

Tears fall on the dark wood floor. My shoulders, they feel so heavy. The weight is unbearable, how I ache to put it down.

This burden of my sin. It cuts deep knowing that after all that He did for me, I still so easily fail Him. His death means freedom from eternal punishment, His resurrection means hope, new life and yet, I still weep.

I know that He is my everything, my all and all and I long to please Him.

Oh Father, how I long to please you.

I wander aimlessly around lost in my thoughts these last couple of days in the aftermath of the Easter weekend.

I reflect at how Jesus still seems to get brushed to the side no matter how much I vow to put Him front and center. I promise every year it will be different. I add new traditions, I am intentional, but in all its planned purpose, it still lacks.

Can we really ever be reverent enough, can we really ever dwell on His holiness, His sacrifice in a way that will satisfy our innermost desire to embrace His suffering and death to the point that somehow we will have given it justice.

Never.

I am human. I am selfish. I will always be at a loss.
Each day as I lay here at His feet, I again realize that it's daily.

Deny, Deny, Deny.

I will deny my flesh. I NEED to deny my flesh.

My humanness is a mess, always such a mess. He is perfect, blameless and He loves...Oh, how my Saviour loves.

I shield my eyes from the mess, the gory, brutal mess of my first love hanging there on that cross. His blood it drips and spills, pours out for me and I feel hot tears fresh on my face. I watch them drip on the floor and marvel at how broken I am yet again.

You bring me to my knees, your love for my wretched soul. I come knowing that I am not worthy, you alone are my ransom. Bought and paid for with the blood stained tree, the spikes encased in flesh, the bruised, battered body and the salty, tear stained face.

Its clear.
My pride, my selfishness, my laziness, my impatience, my anger, my lack of self control, it's all here.

I am led to the cross. In all its ugliness there is beauty too great to put into words. A beauty that takes my breath away.

He thinks I am worthy enough, he has seen something worth saving that I don't see.

I am humbled, my soul stirs deep and I count the cost.


I belong to you.


I belong to you.

Take up your Cross

"Salvation is free, but there is a price to pay in following Jesus."

~Billy Graham

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus.

Matthew 16:24 ~

"Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (ESV)


What's your cross to bear?

Sunday's Coming

(remember to turn music off in my sidebar to watch video)

Remembering my Saviours suffering and death today.

Counting the cost of my sin.

Feeling set free.

On my knees in gratefulness.

At the Cross

There is forgiveness.

At the Cross

I know redemption.

At the Cross

I find purpose.

The Word

I have to admit, I have been mostly a New King James girl. It is the Bible that I have had and have read for years. I love the accuracy, and comfortable reading style.

I did just buy tradesman an ESV (English Standard Version) study Bible for our anniversary. He was thrilled.
Our church has switched over to using the ESV exclusively for scripture readings and such and he has been dying to get his hands on one.

He is LOVING it. The study content is very extensive and according to John Piper the translation is very accurate to the original wording in the Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic texts.

But I have a confession to make.

Pssst.

I have been reading "the message" as of late.

I have been a bit of a Bible snob and was unwilling to even look at that translation as I considered it completely false and misleading.

I am not saying that I recount those original thoughts completely. I think that we do have to tread carefully when reading translations that are thought- for -thought based. Many
interpretive decisions that should be made by the reader are already made for the reader by the translator. The context, meanings and expression of the original can be lost.

However, since going through the loss of the twins I have abandoned my regular style of reading through the scriptures temporarily and instead have been reading everywhere and anywhere throughout my Bible. And one of my favorite things to do has been to use Bible Gateway.com.

I love that I can look up any scripture in a variety of translations. I found this to be most comforting at times. If you look through some of my more recent posts, you will see that I have a fair bit of scripture posted in the New Living Translation and The Message.

I still always go back to my trusty New King James for Study and context, but I have rather enjoyed the narrative style of The Message. I picked up a soft cover one for rather cheap at the Christian bookstore and have barely been able to put it down.
Maybe, I am just a bit more simple minded or enjoy the easy flow, but I find it comfortable.

Using it for depth or interpretation of scripture I would not, but an enjoyable, relate-able version it is. I believe that it should not replace the actual reading of Gods word from a reliable version, but as an added pleasure with discernment, I could recommend it.

For example, today I was reading in Romans some favorite verses below.

"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 (NKJ)

Beautiful! Can you not just picture that? God has poured out His love to FILL our hearts! I loved that and was curious how "The Message" might word the same scriptures.


Here's Romans 5:3-5

"There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! "

Amen!

This is EXACTLY how I feel. And it was a blessing and an encouragement to me to read.

So hence... my closet "Message reading" has been revealed, and strangely I don't feel bad about it. :)

Our Value

I can't find anywhere in the word of God where it says a woman should get her sense of security, worth, or value from a place, possession, or any person other than the Lord Jesus Christ.

~Pasty Clairmont

I Need a Saviour

"You long for the closeness, the connection, the affirmation that who you are is good and desirable. But God is the only one who can give all that to you all of the time. Your deepest needs and longing will only be met in an intimate relationship with Him. No person will ever reach as deeply into you as God will. No one can ever know you as well or love you as much. That insatiable longing for more that you feel, the emptiness you want those closest to you to fill, is put there by God so that He can fill it.

God wants us to want Him. And when we realize that it's Him that we want, we become free. We are free to identify the longings, loneliness, and emptiness inside of us as our signal that we need to draw near to God with open arms and ask Him to fill us with more of Himself. But this deep and intimate relationship with God that we all desire and can't live without doesn't just happen. It must be sought after, prayed for, nurtured, and treasured. And we must continually seek after, pray for, nurture, and treasure it."

excerpt from "The Power of a Praying Woman"~ Stormie Omartian


I have been meditating on my great need for God. My very real and deep need for a Saviour.
How different my life would look, how different my priorities, how lost I would feel.

How thankful for the life that He gave for me I am. My daily choices I hope reflect my love, my passion for His most precious word.

You have got to know by now how much music speaks to me, I apologize for yet another "you tube" video, but I am going to post it anyway because the words are fitting and beautiful.

(remember to pause the music in my sidebar)


"And what would I say
If You brought down the rain
Oh, and every day
I walked through the pain
my heart would still say,

Your name is Jesus

...You knew that

I'd need a Saviour"

You're the one that I hold onto, I know what you brought me through,

He Keeps a Record

I think as women we often are disillusioned on how we see God.

We believe that he is far more interested in how much we fall short, how we fail. We focus on what we perceive to be His list of our shortcomings.
How obscure. We are on Gods heart and mind, but not for the very reason that we think.

What has brought me joy as of late is this.

His record.

No, it is not His record of my sins which I'm sure are plenty. It is His record of my pain.


You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

~Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)


Or the way its worded in "The Message"

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.


God keeps a record.

He knows our pain. He feels our pain.


I hurt with the hurt of my people.
I mourn and am overcome with grief.

~Jeremiah 8:21(New Living Translation)


You are significant.

You matter to the King.

No matter what you dealing with, it is not going unnoticed. He is there in your pain and your grief.

Step out.

It's time.

Trust Him to reach into those hidden places that all scream out for something more.

Below I have posted a beautiful song by Selah. It is called "Unredeemed."
Whatever your sorrow, your pain, He sees it all and it will not go unredeemed...



(remember to pause the music in my sidebar first)



We never know the miracle He has in store,

Shipwreaked

"Difficulties... are only miracles that have not yet happened... The difference is whether I'm going to endure evil or make it a vehicle of blessing."

"Daily with the King"

( devotional) by Glyn Evans.