The Passionate Housewife Desperate for God

The Lord is My Shepherd

2011-12-04T11:01:00.009-05:00

Weariness and discouragement crashes into us, sweeps us under with its overwhelming, damaging waves.

Difficult people and circumstances can wrap themselves around so tight, a noose choking out the last of our breath.

We feel parched, dry, so very drained.

We have a good shepherd, He sees.

He knows when His weary servants are looking for water.

We are thirsting, and He leads the way.

To my word dear ones.

He reminds us that He doesn't do things like we do. He doesn't wrap things up in a nice neat bow and give us the package without a struggle. Expectation of greatness, of hope rises out of futility.

That which seems despairing and pointless is never as it seems.

Our Shepherd is at work. He is at work in our hearts, chipping away at that which He cannot use. Our pride, our conditional love, our anger.

And we can rest in the knowledge that He is at work around us. He calls us to "Believe in Him" (John14:1) Questioning what He's doing or how He is doing it defeats the purpose of the Shepherd. Our Lord leads the way, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable.

The pointless is the pointed. Even the evil, sinful agenda of others God reigns over.

We are subjected to futility not willingly but because of Him who subjected us in hope. (Rom8:20)

Hope for what?

"The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing..."

Can we find our satisfaction in Him alone?

When others seem bent on picking on us, when life's circumstances tap out the last of our strength.

Will our soul cry out in the wilderness....

"I am only satisfied by you..."

Our God is water for our soul! It fills us to overflowing! Courage, faith, new resolve to keep following...no longer with despair, but with joy, springs forth.

What a good Shepherd we follow. He leads us to still waters.

And we drink.

I Will Worship

2011-10-02T18:57:00.007-04:00

Each day I am caught up in the "to dos" and the myriad of tasks.

Each one holy as they are all gifts from above.
You sowed into me, and I respond, I sow into those you have given me.

I get so lost in the everyday that I forget the lover of my soul.

My sin it tangles and slows my race.

Where is the worship?

On my lips I hear complaining. I taste bitterness and yet my soul remembers sweet communion.

Its now just you and me and I will worship.

My face feels carpet, and I think, when did I last bow low for you?

Too busy to sit at your feet.
Hurried prayers, hasty thanksgiving, distracted petitions.

Oh Savior,you deserve more.
You are my delight, my everything.

Here am I and I feel you lavish your love.

Its only you and me. The crowned one and the weary, distracted servant.

All I have, its not much I lay here.
You give so much and my offerings so meager.

My heart, my life, I have let go. No hopes, no dreams ...just you.
You are my delight, my everything.

The hand that blows the wind in the trees blow love through me.

May it overflow...overflow into the everyday.

My Boy

2011-06-15T23:46:00.008-04:00

*a page from my journal~ fall 2010

My precious son.

He sits so confident, there on the couch. This boy/man... who is he?

Do I really know?

Have I taken the time to listen?

Do I hear when he speaks, do I read the pages on his heart?

It feels as if I only hear my words, echoing loudly off the walls..it fills my head to brimming. Why, oh why so angry? Why so annoyed?

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child and yet folly is bound up in the heart of this mother.

His weaknesses run me annoyed and the sweet fragrance of home is sour.

I tear down when I could build up. A critical heart shows weak.

His laugh tears into my soul, his smile contagious and bright. Oh the wonder of a boy on the brink of manhood!

A mothers heart reflects on how all at once foolishness is nowhere to be seen and behind the poise, posture of maturity he's still there.

A him that I forget to notice, a him that speaks volumes of what his Father in heaven has done in his heart.

He shares his stories of the evening. Evangelism on the streets with his father and older brother, a night filled with conversations with the lost. His word pictures and analogies amaze me..who is this young man who speaks so eloquently across from me? And how am I missing such wisdom?

I see it then, this fragile growth of a boy struggling to reach the light, stretching and searching.

I feel the pride and responsibility welling up inside of me to water, to gently care for and feed this young sapling. His roots are growing deep, they are grounded in the soil that produces and yields fruit and yet he's young.

Oh Father that you would shine through me that your light would illuminate my words and actions overflowing into the dark areas of the soul.

Your words make souls strong. I will speak strong into his life.

For am I not privileged to raise your warriors? I will fight hard the weak in me and equip the strong in him.

Thank you for the blessing of this son Father God. Thank you for the blessing of my boy.

The Altar

2011-05-17T12:30:00.014-04:00

Friends' harsh words and untrue accusations they sting and cut. What good can be found here?

I struggle to find the gift, the purpose.

I reflect on words in haste years past all my own and am thankful for grace.

I unwrap the unexpected a piece at a time...the chance to lay down pride, forgive the unjustness, extend love, and find hope.

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

Putting it all to death for our friends...isn't that what He showed us?

This fleshy Holy one whose feet walked the path first and we, in all our unworthiness, can stumble behind meshing out what it looks like for us in the dailys.

Days run into each other, I feel the hurt resurface and I see the grace all around me. It's there in little ones faces, hugs of grown boys, trees dancing with fresh buds, words on paper that draw deep.

We have choices as women do we not? It's bound to happen...this topsy-turvy, messy world where our sin abounds and we stammer out life one day at a time flailing in response all wrong.

We pick up pieces, brush off our excuses and justify the selfish. When we hold onto the bitter, the root embeds itself and tangles all else. Choking we cling to remnants of life because we can't see the beauty.

He knew, our Father, how it would hurt, and He made way for us to come undone.

Laid bare before the altar, we toss aside our rights, forget our pride, see our own chipped, broken selves, and there we offer up our thanksgiving.

Sweet, perfumed, drenched in tears our gratefulness comes and we cling to our Saviors feet because that is where He puts us back together. Love that we cannot produce on our own pours forth unabated, we yield and it fills.

Oh, how our Savior He fills.

You Know When...

2011-05-14T13:39:00.008-04:00

You know you just had a high-need baby when....

1. Your laundry piles no longer can be contained or hidden...like King Kong they invade the city (your home) in mass destruction.

2. You walk around all day with your shirt on inside out AND backwards. You are not aware of this until your hubby on arriving home chuckles lightly and informs you.

3. Speaking of clothing...getting "dressed up" just means ACTUALLY getting dressed.

4. Coffee is no longer optional...it is required for basic survival.

5. Clutter piles have become your new favorite way to decorate.

6. You've resorted to cereal as the breakfast of champions.

7. Someone in the grocery store asks you if this is your "first" as you simultaneously bounce fussing, unsoothable baby while unsuccessfully fishing for wallet in spilling diaper bag you mumble and cough "yes."

8. You have not a clue how old your baby is.

9. Grade.4 math stumps you.

10. You fantasize about what it would be like to get sleep in 4 hr increments.

11. You feel pampered when you have time to shave your legs.

12. You thank God for this gift and lesson in humility as you come to the realization that you apparently are NOT the baby "know it all" veteran.

p.s. pix of the little, high-need, well-loved masterpiece coming up soon...that is when I can find my camera amongst the wreckage. :)

Embracing the Mothers Day

2011-05-08T13:55:00.008-04:00

In Stacy MacDonald and Jennie Chancey's book "The Passionate Housewives Desperate for God" Dorothy Patterson describes her frustration with societys disdain for the homemaker and its insistence on the replaceability of the wife and mother. The amazing double standard...

"Of course, much of the world would agree that being a housekeeper is acceptable as long as you are not caring for your own home; treating men with attentive devotion would also be right as long as the man is the boss in the office and not your husband; caring for children would even be deemed heroic service for which presidential awards could be given as long as the children are someone else's and not your own."

The world lies to our hearts that caring for our families is not noble, that caring for our homes is bondage.

The word of God speaks of a different promise...

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her"

~Proverbs 31:28

Happy Mothers Day to all the beautiful mothers out there serving and loving on their families daily!

Love,

Soul Surfers or Soul Winners?

2011-04-27T18:02:00.016-04:00

There was all this buzz in the Christian circles about the movie that needed to be seen! It was being heralded as this great, God glorifying message hitting the big screen. I was excited until I saw the trailer.

Then I felt sick.

Really? This is what Christian families are thrilled about flocking too?

Have I missed something? I went to Focus on the Family's "plugged in" online and read the review and watched the trailer again as the reviewer exclaimed his 4 and 1/2 thumbs up for family friendly all the while half-naked girls are being displayed in living color directly behind him.

What?! Since when was displaying partial nudity God glorifying? 50 years ago no family would dare dream of a "family friendly" night on the town involving skimpy dressed girls on a big screen whether they were on a beach or not.

Why is it that we as Christians allow our society to determine our moral sensitivity?

I am already frustrated with how difficult it is to raise godly young men in this society. Men who value their purity, and integrity. Young men that rise above the social norm.

Focus on the family's own site bear statistics that are shockingly disturbing.

47% percent of families said pornography is a major problem in their home (Focus on the Family Poll, October 1, 2003).

Roger Charman of Focus on the Family's Pastoral Ministries reports that approximately 20 percent of the calls received on their Pastoral Care Line are for help with issues such as pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.

57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005)

A 1996 Promise Keepers survey at one of their stadium events revealed that over 50% of the men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.

Apparently, porn is a MAJOR problem! It destroys men, it destroys families. So why are we so willing to sit idly by and slowly desensitize ourselves and our loved ones to sensuality. Why is it that Christians are not alarmed by such blatant, extreme immodesty?

I'm wondering though would the same parents hand their teenage boy a Sports Illustrated swim suit addition and say "Here son, there is a great article in here. One of the models overcame adversity and tragedy and then gave all the glory to God for coming through it! You'll have to go through all those pages of pictures first before you get to the article, but wow, is it ever worth it!"

Would Focus on the Family ever endorse such a thing?

I am grieved by the inconsistencies. We complain about teenagers being addicted to porn, rampant promiscuity amongst the young people in the churches and then we wonder why and we shift the blame to society. Yes, we live in a worldly culture, but I love how Denise Mira states in her book "No ordinary Child" She says- "We live (as Christian parents) in a Holy Kingdom culture where "radical" means dressing modestly so that we don't cause others to stumble"- "Make war on inappropriate clothing!"

I'm making war. I encourage my boys to make war.
This is a battle, but I'm willing to fight.

I can almost hear the proverbial criticism... I cannot keep my kids under a rock forever. I get it, I do. The thing is my boys are out on the streets downtown all summer, they share the gospel and they open air preach to crowds where I am sure there are many inappropriately dressed girls. They hand out tracts at malls and I am sure they have spoken to their fair share of girls who are dressed skimpily.

In those situations they are making eye contact, and they are out for a purpose. They are on high alert. They are not sitting in a theatre, being entertained, gawking at larger than life scantily-clad images.

Now what about our girls? Sure maybe one could take mature, godly teenage daughters to this movie and it be a great springboard for discussion about some of the issues that would have been raised in the movie. I'm not sure I would, but I could see how it might not really pose any real problems. Modesty could be addressed and such.

As for my young daughters...never. They are 10 and 8. They are still so very impressionable. I want to guard their hearts and their minds from the pollution that erodes girls today. To see girls running around with their private parts barely covered and fall prey to the glamorous appeal of it all. Sure we could say one thing to them. Tell them how wrong it is and how they are worth more than that. We could talk about noble things like dignity and honor and yet in that dark theatre something else would be going on in their little minds. An allure would be created, an impression made, and a lie would find a voice.
This is what the world says is fun and beautiful.

I would love to think that my girls know better than all of that, that I have trained them well. The Bible reminds us "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jer.17:9)
A fragile heart, a delicate heart, my young daughters hearts, I will not expose them to temptation.

I will not set before their eyes and hearts role models who do not share our values, when there are so many other beautiful examples to give my girls.

As parents why we think we can somehow gloss over the attractiveness of sin and in some way down play its draw baffles me. I guess that is why God speaks strongly on this topic. All throughout Proverbs He commands turning away from evil, fleeing from evil, pretty much running in the opposite direction of evil.

I love Proverbs 14:16 ~"One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless."
And the consequence Proverbs 6:27 ~ "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?"
A verse that has become a standard in our raising of our children is Romans 16:19 ~"For your obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil."

My desire is to raise children who are wise to what is good. That they will be world changers, pursue holiness in their lives and lead with strong character. That they will be innocent to what is evil, flee temptation, rise above society's low expectations.

This is not a complaint against the real Bethany Hamilton. I realize her story is inspirational and I am thankful that she has had a platform in REAL life to share her faith in Jesus Christ.

My problem is with the fact that Hollywood can make a movie, throw us Christians a bone by sprinkling in a little faith talk, a prayer or two, a reading of scripture and then many Christian organizations jump on the bandwagon to heavily promote it. I guess I am not looking for "better than bad." That is not where I draw my standard.

Just because I am used to Hollywood promoting filth doesn't mean I am going to embrace a film because it invokes a feel good message and provides an emotional reaction.

My standard is purity at all costs for my family. I will fight for a hedge of protection around my young men. I will not compromise for the sake of being relevant and more tolerant.

I am striving for soul winners, not soul surfers.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." ~Heb 12:1

He Chose The Nails

2011-04-24T10:53:00.014-04:00

There was a price to be paid.

Was it just love that motivated Christ to bear our weight of sin on that cross?

God is equally holy, just and loving.

His sense of justice demanded a price.

His holiness is unmatched..there is not another suitable sacrifice.
Blemish free, perfect.

There was only one man who could take that punishment so we could be reconciled to God with an opportunity for intimate relationship with Him.

May we not have a flagrant disregard for the cost. May we reverently and fearfully worship the Majesty.

(remember to pause music in the sidebar)

Reflections from Easter past here.

Resting in Him

2011-04-19T11:00:00.000-04:00

*entry from my journal winter 2010*

At last her little soft hand reaches for mine. I enclose it, wrap her in arms close.
We rest. I weary in need of a nap, her cranky and needing sleep.

Scooped up she comes to my bed unhappy. I lay down with her and yet she fusses and complains, big tears spill down cheeks.
The pudgy pout takes over her little face. Up she sits resisting and defiant. I whisper love and sing a song of comfort.

I stare at her and contemplate how very much I am like this little strong willed baby girl of mine. How often as of late I wrestle and complain. I resist and fuss about the unfairness of it all.
Why oh why are we being treated this way? I don't understand, I don't like it. How can this be of any good?

I am defiant.

And yet there HE is... so patient, so loving. Beckoning me to rest.

Rest in me.

Know that I see and understand. Know that it is still for your good. I am preparing you, stretching you. You see only now, I see later...much later.

His whisper soothes me. His truth sustains me and I quiet.

She slumbers now, little nose pressed against my cheek, her heavy, contented breathing flows over my face. It is what she needed. Not what she wanted, but mommy knows.
She is assured that when it's uncomfortable or uneasy, I will still be there.

Never alone. Only an outstretched hand away. Just like my Father in heaven.

I will reach out for His hand and I will rest.

"If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all... they are meant to make you useful in His hands."
~ Oswald Chambers

The Journey

2011-04-14T20:45:00.005-04:00

Time.

Sometimes we just need it. Lives to evaluate, motives, thoughts.

To just be quiet, learn at His feet.

That is where I was. So full, on a journey. Isn't that us all? We navigate this life one day at a time and the learning never stops, the experiences, the trials, the lessons.

I needed to be still, to be quiet.

Sometimes always having something to say drowns out what I need to hear.

We as women have such a powerful role. We speak into the lives of our husbands, we speak into the lives of our children and sometimes we speak into the lives of fellow women.

Those words can impact for good at times, they can heal old wounds, touch hearts, encourage growth, they can fan the flames of spiritual fervor that have grown cold.

What responsibility that leaves us with. As I have shared my life and my journey, my soul has been bared, my heart exposed and at times that has left me feeling naked.

I share because He calls me too. I share because I want to encourage, I want to embrace the learning, climb out of the trenches of suffering and point to the healer of our hearts.

This journey of womanhood is not meant to be taken alone. We need one another.

We will walk this road boldly, walking out our callings with obedience. Sometimes we will stumble along, weary we will lose our resolve, we may see the road as too difficult, too long, it may overwhelm us, but we will run alongside one another so that our eyes won't see the temporary but only the value.

And when we run, we will run with the sun on our face, the wind at our backs and the cheering of our sisters.

Our Father will beckon us on and the race will continue.

He tells us...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

So... Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2Corinthians12:9)

9 Month Catch Up in Pictures

2011-04-13T10:54:00.021-04:00

What's been happening around here?

Last summer my 15 yr. old wanted to be baptized and asked tradesman to do so.

And thanks to granda, we as a family took a trip to Disney.

Yes, I made the boys go on Cinderellas Carousel...'cause I can get away with it, I'm the mother. Besides, I feed them and with teenage boys that means you hold all the power.

You should also know that Baby My is no longer a baby. See...

Oh ya, and this little guy joined our family.

Well, that about wraps up the last 9 months of excitement.

Glad to be back!

p.s. so sorry about my un-announced very LONG blogging hiatus.

What Can I Bring?

2010-08-11T23:18:00.008-04:00

less of me, more of you

so simple, you want me, my gratitude, my whole life for you

i deserve none of it, you have blessed me

grace, mercy... oh, lowly me

i give it up... my self, my wants

it's only you

just you.

what can i bring?

simply me

your wonder fills my every sense

i know you now more than ever

and yet i am still left wanting more of you

boundless... my gratitude

not worthy of this

these gifts, this life

it's not mine to keep...

to hold tight too

but yours to commit.

i'm ready.

*for those of you who are grammar junkies, I apologize. The "i" was left uncapitalized on purpose. :)

Grandmothers

2010-07-04T23:22:00.010-04:00

Grandmothers through the years have played powerful roles in the lives of many godly leaders.
Often you will read of someone who will say that their grandmother was a strong spiritual role model, or that their grandmother prayed for their salvation for years.

Tradesmans' mother, my childrens' grandmother is what you would call a prayer warrior. At least that is what I was told by many when I first married tradesman and I knew it to be true when I saw the many binders filled with pages upon pages of people and things that this dear women brought before our Lord daily.

I remember feeling very intimidated by that years and years ago.

Now I am just grateful.

So very grateful.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

2010-06-30T06:00:00.017-04:00

How long have you and tradesman been together?

Tradesman and I have been together for 19 years. 16 of them of which we have been married. I have spent more years with tradesman than I have ever spent without him!

Are you going to try and have any more babies after losing your twins?

Honestly, we would love more children. If God chooses to give us more then we would be thrilled! The next best thing to serving Jesus in this life has been having our kids! We find them, outside of our relationships with God, to be the most fulfilling things in our lives.

Where do you live?

Because this was an anonymous comment that I did not publish I am not going to answer this in case you are a stalker, axe murderer! I hope you understand! :)

Are you going to homeschool your kids all through Highschool?

Yes! Why stop a good thing now? It works for us and our family. We honestly believe that God has called us to this, so now I simply remind myself when it seems I am not cut out for it or it's too difficult that there is no turning back! Our eldest will actually be gr.10 in the fall and I still like having him home! (well, most of the time ;)

What DID you have for breakfast?

I'm not telling.

Do you celebrate the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus in your house? What about Halloween?

This could be a BIG answer so I am going to try and keep it short. :)

We have changed how we do things over the years. There was a time that we did the Santa Claus thing. Our boys were little and we started to feel convicted ourselves about OUR focus on the true meaning of the season so we started to weed out that side of Christmas a little every year. We were never comfortable lying to our boys and telling them that there was a Santa, so we didn't . We would just play pretend and they knew from the beginning that tradesman was really Santa. We would still leave out cookies and milk and carrots for the reindeer all in fun.

The problem was that it was hard enough to keep our focus on the birth of Christ with all the shopping, festivities, presents and such, nevermind the big jolly fellow. Eventually, we decided for us and our family that it all had to stop. Our kids know the real story behind Saint Nicholas, so we try to focus on the gifts as a chance to bless others. Our kids receive 3 gifts each as Jesus was presented with 3 gifts from the wisemen. We also fill stockings for them with candy, toiletries, school necessities and silly little items.

We still decorate our home with seasonal things and put up a tree and such. We just avoid the whole Santa, what do you want for Christmas, reindeer, Frosty the snowman thing. We keep the kids out of stores, and activities that are focused around Santa during that season. We celebrate Advent and have made new traditions and new ways to celebrate. It has been a huge blessing for us and I have found that our family has been able to focus on the coming of our Saviours birth with so much more intention now. I do have a little ornament that has Santa kneeling with his hat in his hands at the manger with baby Jesus lying there. I love it and it sits right in the middle of my kitchen island and is a reminder to all of us of why we have no part in any of the regular Christmas festivities any longer.

As for the Easter bunny? Same kind of thing. No Easter bunny at our house. We do a sort of lent devotional every year and other things as well including resurrection eggs. We still normally do an egg hunt and chocolate bunny that weekend. However, we have decided that next year we will start a tradition of "Spring baskets and egg hunt" and do it a couple of weeks before Easter so that it is done and over with and we can use the 2 weeks leading up to Easter more reverently. We were just finding that the typical, traditional, Easter festivities invade on the true reason we celebrate and we just don't like it.

Halloween? We have used it as a way to evangelize the last 2 years. We give out tracts and candy in little bags and my kids go around the neighborhood and give out tracts to each door that they receive candy from. It's been great, the responses from people to the kids have been really neat. We were going to throw the whole Halloween thing aside until we saw it as an opportunity to spread the gospel. Next year tradesman and I will be setting up some hot apple cider outside and hoping to talk to parents as they come by. We will also be giving the book "One heartbeat Away" found here out as well. (powerful evangelistic tool) We don't do the spooky decoration thing and again keep our kids out of stores and Halloween activities.

How do you keep up with all of your children? I find it hard with just 3!

I remember those days! Trust me, it is SO much easier now. Once some of the kids get older, they are a great help around the house, and they help to entertain the little ones.

The kids always have someone to play with and despite the fact that there are more people making a mess, there are also more people to help clean it up!

The only real challenge I find is food. My life is all about the food prep now!
If I had an answer on this one, I'd let you know! ;)

There was one more important question that deserves a post all of it's own. That is coming up. Also many of you asked what was the big burden on my heart. I will share a little in a future post.

That was fun! If you have any more questions go ahead and send them to me at thepassionatehousewife@gmail.com and I will do another post just like this when there is enough.

Blessings!

Zeal

2010-06-28T00:01:00.002-04:00

I am still working on my Question/Answer post - so for now I leave you with a quote by Charles Spurgeon that I just love and came across this past weekend...

"If you never have sleepless hours, if you never have weeping eyes, if your hearts never swell as if they would burst, you need not anticipate that you will be called zealous. You do not know the beginning of true zeal, for the foundation of Christian zeal lies in the heart. The heart must be heavy with grief and yet must beat high with holy ardor. The heart must be vehement in desire, panting continually for God's glory, or else we shall never attain to anything like the zeal which God would have us to know."

Got Questions? Get Answers!

2010-06-23T14:34:00.008-04:00

I have been neglectful of blogging these days because frankly I am in some serious thinking moods.

Honestly, I have so much on my heart these days and it is all rather big that spilling it here does not fulfill the purpose of my blog. And it could scare some of you away! :)

Tradesman and I have been on a very exciting journey the last two years specifically these last 6 months.(that does not mean always fun or easy... actually mostly not) We are not sure exactly where we are headed and what it will look like but God has given us a bit of a picture that is just too difficult to ignore.

I started this blog to encourage mothers in their high calling of motherhood and keeper of their homes. To embrace their daily lives with their husbands and children and most importantly to seek hard after God.

I love sharing my heart and often hold back, especially as of late. I cannot put up a lighthearted, silly post because I am just not in a lighthearted, silly mood these days. I feel a burden SO big, and I feel a passion SO huge that it consumes my every waking minute. I know that it is God who has bestowed this burden on me because it is Him whom I have pursued and it is Him whom I have devoted my life too.

I asked, He answered.

But, for today I have decided to open up the floor to YOUR questions.

Curious about something that pertains to motherhood, marriage, faith or anything else to do with this crazy family??

Send your questions to thepassionatehousewife@gmail.com or you can list them under the comments on this post. You can always click on anonymous in the comments if you're shy! :)

Ask away!

(except don't ask what I had for breakfast because I might be forced to lie)

Reaching the Bottom?

2010-06-09T20:36:00.013-04:00

This is what the bottom of my hamper looked like today.

Do you still want to be my friend?

I don't see the bottom of my hamper ~~ever~~ often. The orange peel looked rather fresh though, go figure. The unidentifiable brown object beside the pencil...ya, not so much.

Yes, I realize that only one of the sections of my hamper I was actually able to find bottom. The other 2 are still bulging with clothing. What can I say I have 6 children and am married to a tradesman and I really like chocolate. Not sure how that last one plays a part, but I figured you should be informed.

I was thinking today while I was doing my laundry because well, that's when all my deep thinking takes place. Amongst the sorting, spot washing, sniffing, and tossing, I was dwelling on the fact that I feel just like that hamper as of late.

I feel like I empty out all the things that need cleaning to God. I give over my big pile of mess. I feel like I am getting to the bottom. I am submitting in the areas that I need to. I hand over my fears, my pride, my will.

Then there at the bottom just when I thought I was gaining ground in this "laundry" I find myself staring at... trash.

There are things that I and maybe you? just aren't able to let go of on our own. And unfortunately, these are the among the most unsightly things of all.

Thankfully, we serve a God of grace and mercy. He promises that He will never leave us to ourselves.

"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it..." ~Phil 1:6

The truth is we will never be perfect here on earth.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect" ~2 Samuel 22:33

It is God who is perfect. It is His plan and His way for us that are perfect.

The truth is that what we really need to strive for is simply...

Him.

Bless-ed Communion

2010-06-07T12:48:00.011-04:00

I eat of the bread and drink of the juice, I reflect...

His body, His red blood poured out for me.

Bless-ed communion.

Has it ever tasted this sweet? Have I ever been this moved?

My body shakes, it trembles hard.

My Jesus... can I call Him that? Is it that personal, does He long for me like I long for Him?

I grip tightly the cup, his suffering full. I taste of it. I have sipped the suffering, I have paid a small price for this fellowship.

Heart aching, my lips part and they whisper grateful prayers.

Tears roll down my cheeks, I cannot contain them. I stare down and wonder, can they all see?

This joy. This joy inside of me that springs forth uninhibited, it cannot be slowed.

I am overcome.

He is Lord, I am His.

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered

2010-05-28T12:51:00.044-04:00

The day arrived.

My little ones due date came and went. Since it was winter when they died there was far too much snow on the ground to bury them. We decided to wait and bury them on their due date which was May.21 st and along with them the planting of a tree.

I hesitated on whether to show these...that is why it is a week later. If I offend anyone, I am sorry.

Each picture tells a story and has special meaning to me. It is how I needed to capture and remember this whole journey and its conclusion.

The new song(Sweetly Broken)playing on my playlist is the song of my heart these days. The words comfort and restore me...

"At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered "

"In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness"

Blessed is the Woman

2010-05-24T23:15:00.010-04:00

"Blessed is the woman who has a smile in her voice, a sparkle in her eyes, a song on her lips; a spring in her step, a warmth in her touch, a depth to her beauty, a purpose for her life, a joy in her faith, a hope in her breast and love in her heart."

~William Arthur Ward

Fire for Jesus

2010-05-17T00:01:00.004-04:00

I received an email where a woman was expressing how her fire for Jesus had gone out. She confessed that she just did not have that flame blazing in her soul any longer.

I responded to her with an analogy that I heard a speaker and friend share. He compared the distractions of the world that steal our time and attention as the appealing lure of junk food.
We consume junk food regularly because we like it and want it despite how it might make us feel and how little it benefits us.

I look at it like this. Life and all the distractions that the world offers us vie for our attention and time. We consume regularly despite how detrimental these things are to our

intimate walk with Christ.

Just like junk food we are drawn to these things. They tempt us and seem so very appealing and yet we are still left hungry and wanting. And even more so we are left, sick, uncomfortable and regretting.

Many of us if given a choice between eating a big, fried, butter laden, hot and tasty dinner complete with a big ol' piece of chocolate cake or instead choose a couple of hard boiled eggs, veggie salad and an orange for dessert, most of us would opt to bring on the butter!

We hunger for what we feed ourselves regularly.

What happens if we change our diet?
When we begin to choose the salad and egg or other healthy choices consistently eventually that style of eating will become far more appealing to us.
We will even begin to hunger and crave after it.

It is no different with how we use our time, with what we "consume" on a daily basis. If you find yourself bored with reading your Bible or always distracted while praying, if you find that you no longer feel passionate about your walk with God it might just be time to take a good, hard look at "what" you are feeding yourself.

Begin in your life to get rid of all outside distractions... T.V, books, movies, worldly music and instead choose Gods word, prayer, sermons online, praise/worship music.

You will begin to truly feed your starved soul.

What you once craved you will no longer want. You will hunger after the Father, you will crave His word and time spent on your knees will be a balm to your heart, food to your soul, and your joy will become abundant!

Fire will come, passions will stir within and watch out, because God will do a work in your life and in your family!!

Tradesman and I play a sermon almost daily in our house. To some that might seem excessive but to us it's exciting. I look forward to it. I crave it. I can hardly wait to get on that couch with him at night and pop on a sermon. We gave up watching any t.v. a couple of years ago and pretty much dropped movies as well. We still like to watch one once in a while when we get one for a good deal at the Christian bookstore but for the most part it just does not interest us much these days.
We want to be challenged, we want to be moved and listening to great godly teaching regularly does just that.

Here are a couple of our family's favorite sites.

http://www.1031sermonjams.com/ ~Little snippets of powerful sermons with music in the background. Incredible speakers and pastors. You will probably recognize most of them. When I put one of these on in my house, I can guarantee that my older children will be hovered around the computer in no time.

http://www.illbehonest.com/ ~ A mix of short and long, challenging and life changing sermons. (My favorite "You must suffer" with John Piper, Tradesmans favorite.. anything by Paul Washer)

http://www.sermonaudio.com/ ~ We like to look up our favorite speakers and pastors on here and listen to whole series of sermons done by them.

Another favorite passion of ours is audio books. Hanging out on the couch together cuddling and listening to a challenging book not only is great time spent, it also fosters awesome communication that spurs one another on.

http://www.christianaudio.com/ ~ This site has a free audio book download every month. So far we have downloaded a few books that we have loved. Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Desiring God by John Piper, Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan, currently we are listening to The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns (this months free download)

This is just a small sampling of some of the many amazing resources out there available to us. We have many more sites that we love and I wish that there were more hours in the day to take it all in.

When it comes to what we put in our minds we should be picky. With stuff that isn't necessarily bad we still should be choosy. Whatever our diet may be, it will have a profound effect on that which we hunger after.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~ Matthew 5:6

Feed the fire!

First Love

2010-05-07T23:03:00.001-04:00

I hurt.

There I said it.

I haven't been writing as often because well, I am thinking. I am thinking lots.

My babies were due very soon. 2 weeks actually, but who's counting?

I have been 2 to 3 weeks early with the last 4 children. Considering twins are usually early it's a good chance I would have been cuddling my little ones right now and yet here I am with empty arms.

I ache. I do.

I can't sleep tonight and not because I am up trying to juggle how to nurse 2 wiggly, squishy newborns, but because... I'm not.

Oh, how I wish I was.

I long for it not to hurt. Really I do. I will go to church on Sunday and smile at the woman who is due right around the same time as I was. I will gaze at her belly and be genuinly happy for her, I will. Or if she's not there because her baby has come I will rejoice with her... really.

I will come home and soak up my family. It will be Mothers Day and I will revel in the fact that I AM a mother to 10 beautiful children. 6 of which I have the privilege of spending everyday with and 4 of whom I will spend an eternity with.

I will think about my precious babies in heaven especially my little twins whose hands, fingers, and toes are etched forever in my brain. I will dwell not on my loss, but on my gain.

Yes, I am different.

I am changed.

Maybe not on the outside, but inside there is a whole world of beauty. Not of me, but of Him.

I am still human, I fall oh so very short. But, the love.

Oh, the love.

I cannot begin to describe it.

I know now.

He is my first love.

HE is.

Babies,

"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."

~Philippians 1:3 (ESV)

Weekends

2010-05-03T21:03:00.031-04:00

Weekends are for big sisters making tee pees...

for little brothers.

And for little brothers...

to lounge in for the afternoon.

Weekends are for puddle jumping...

even if you are still in your jammie pants.

Weekends are for baby girls...

to eat yogurt outside in their bare feet.

Weekends are for mamas...

to enjoy baby girl eating yogurt outside...

until baby girl decides mama has taken enough pictures...

and walks away.

The end.

Hope your weekend was full of thankfulness,

How Important Is It?

2010-04-29T14:32:00.007-04:00

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance.

The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

~C. S. Lewis

Has it become moderately important to you?

A Victory

2010-04-26T21:27:00.040-04:00

**Warning: Shameless bragging ahead. I apologize in advance. Since I have no baby books recording first steps, first tooth, first hiccup, I should at least record somewhere an accomplishment that my children and their parents (us) were impressed with that did not involve how much food was packed away into their stomachs in a 45 second time span.

This guy is a machine. We enrolled our children in the AWANA program at our church in September. He has taken on the books and the verses like a beast. A beast of memorizing that cannot be stopped.

He just won 1st place in the "Belt of Truth" competition having memorized and recited the most verses. He was the last man standing in the stand off, so to speak.

Since September he has logged away 65 plus verses in his noggin as well as the entire Psalm 103.
He also has completed 2 full books in this short time there. This alone has earned him the "shortest- time - for- someone- to- accomplish- so- many- discovery- assignments" title in this particular AWANA club this year.

As his momma, I am proud as punch! I think I'll reward him with a haircut.

This girl too has been driven. She won 3rd place in the "Belt of Truth" competition beating out girls in the 6th grade. I have been so impressed with her independence in this feat and her confidence.

I really wish that I could say that somehow I am responsible for this. That I had some sort of great system that I trained them in, kept them accountable and rewarded their diligence.

But, umm...no.

I had no idea that they were doing as well as they were until some other parent told me. Awkward?

Yes.

My only contribution to these babies accomplishments has been keeping their T&T duds clean. I can't really brag about that because they have been known to attend AWANA with ketchup on their shirts.

Oh, and I have rescued an occasional book from Baby Mys chubby grasp who likes to mercilessly scribble on them. She doesn't like to be left out.

They do however come by their great memorizing ability honestly.

Or not.

I have been trying to memorize a verse a week myself using the igoogle application for memorizing scripture. Although it's great and I am memorizing. It does not come easily, but rather goes easily.

Week 1 the verse is memorized, week 2 and 3 new ones are added. I then try to recall what week 1's verse was and for the life of me I cannot remember a single thing about the verse or where I might find it in the Bible and the 3 post it notes that it was scribbled on can no where be found. They have now joined the missing sock pairs, baby toothbrush and pencil sharpeners that are never to be located again.

I figure that the Holy Spirit is more than able to help me recall the verse when it might be needed the most. So I continue to plow through anyway.
Although, it would be nice not to be shown up consistently by my children who ramble off verses by the tens, and laugh at my feeble attempts to recall one.

I blame it on television and video games. I watched far too much as a child and played way too much as well.

Darn Pacman.

Let this be a warning to you young mothers. :)

So young man and baby girl, I am VERY proud of you both!

Love, your mama xo

p.s. You both may be better at memorizing, but I got you beat in the dancing department. I do a mean polka and you know it.

Randomness

2010-04-20T20:50:00.016-04:00

On children ~

You know you let your 4 yr. old watch too much Veggie Tales when you hear him indignant after being kicked out of his sisters room open up the door one last time to bellow at them
"I'll have you know that I am no ordinary tomatoe!!"

On husbands ~

Hearing him talk on the phone to a customer... loving how professional, intelligent, and funny he sounds and thinking that you can't wait until you have him all to yourself later.

On homeschooling ~

Marking and explaining Algebra is no more fun or exciting than doing Algebra was.

On spring ~

Man, I need to shave my legs more often.

On exercise ~

Why, oh why does this just not get easier...and why when taking a very small break 4weeks does it feel like you have never run in your life or used your legs or lungs before, for that matter.

On chocolate ~

Must find 12 stepper for this...it is getting reeediculous.

On teenage boys ~

It matters not on how much food that you make, you CANNOT fill their bottomless stomachs with all the food prep in the world. While you eat your small salad with a large side of air, they consume every morsel of food in site plus some. And yet my abs are nowhere to be found and he has a 6 pack.
No fair.

On the movie "Amazing Grace" ~

I loved, LOVED this. Relating with how William Wilberforce delighted in the Lord, was giddy to just spend time with Him. Seeing his internal struggle with what God was calling him too.
We are to delight fully in the Lord AND we are called to action. Williams physical suffering, personal sacrifice, and persecution all for the cause to which He was called.
The triumphant ending resulting in myself consumed by the ugly cry and much partaking of chocolate.

On giving your almost 12 yr old boy his own cool multi-tip screw driver and leaving various electronics unattended ~

Don't.

On ~~writers~~ bloggers block ~

You end up with some weird, makes no sense contents of your head poured out for all to see, post.

sorry.

On trusting God ~

He is faithful. And I am humbly grateful.

p.s. Feel free to leave your own randomness in the comments..I would love to read them.

Children Won't Wait

2010-04-16T06:30:00.001-04:00

"There is a time to treasure every fleeting minute of their childhood. Just eighteen precious years to inspire and train them.

We will not exchange this birthright for a mess of pottage called social position, or business success or professional reputation.

An hour of concern today may save years of heartache tomorrow, the house will wait, the dishes will wait, the new room can wait, but children don't wait.

There will be a time when there will be no slamming of doors, no toys on the stairs, no childhood quarrels, no fingerprints on the wallpaper.

Then may we look back with joy and not regret. God give us wisdom to see that today is the day with our children.That there is no unimportant moment in their lives.

May we know that no other career is so precious, no other work so rewarding, no other task so urgent. May we not defer it nor neglect it, but by Thy Spirit accept it gladly, joyously, and by Thy grace realize that the time is short and our time is now, for children won't wait!"

~Helen Young

Resolve to live this day like you won't get it back, because...

well, you won't.

Not for the Faint of Heart

2010-04-14T00:00:00.010-04:00

You are thinking that she looks cute perched here.

It all looks rather harmless.

How about now?

No, my baby girl is not perched on a fence post while I lie on the ground so that I can get cute photos of her.

Why do you ask?

I would never be that terrible and crazy as a mother.

I assure those of you that are having heart palpitations at this moment that tradesman is very much close by. I had to crop him out of the pictures.

She was quite proud of herself.

Really, it was all her idea.

A Fruitful Sacrifice

2010-04-12T06:30:00.007-04:00

"To many in my generation, my decision to stay home is a fruitless sacrifice, a waste of feminine intelligence and abilities.

To me, though, it is a small sacrifice if by it I can send my children into the next generation bursting with spiritual life ready to change their world for Christ. Fruitless? Only by the world's standards. By God's it is a fruitful sacrifice that will yield a harvest of righteousness."

~Sally Clarkson in the book "Seasons of a Mothers heart"

Tend to your seedlings mommas.

Love,

I Belong to You

2010-04-08T00:00:00.001-04:00

Tears fall on the dark wood floor. My shoulders, they feel so heavy. The weight is unbearable, how I ache to put it down.

This burden of my sin. It cuts deep knowing that after all that He did for me, I still so easily fail Him. His death means freedom from eternal punishment, His resurrection means hope, new life and yet, I still weep.

I know that He is my everything, my all and all and I long to please Him.

Oh Father, how I long to please you.

I wander aimlessly around lost in my thoughts these last couple of days in the aftermath of the Easter weekend.

I reflect at how Jesus still seems to get brushed to the side no matter how much I vow to put Him front and center. I promise every year it will be different. I add new traditions, I am intentional, but in all its planned purpose, it still lacks.

Can we really ever be reverent enough, can we really ever dwell on His holiness, His sacrifice in a way that will satisfy our innermost desire to embrace His suffering and death to the point that somehow we will have given it justice.

Never.

I am human. I am selfish. I will always be at a loss.
Each day as I lay here at His feet, I again realize that it's daily.

Deny, Deny, Deny.

I will deny my flesh. I NEED to deny my flesh.

My humanness is a mess, always such a mess. He is perfect, blameless and He loves...Oh, how my Saviour loves.

I shield my eyes from the mess, the gory, brutal mess of my first love hanging there on that cross. His blood it drips and spills, pours out for me and I feel hot tears fresh on my face. I watch them drip on the floor and marvel at how broken I am yet again.

You bring me to my knees, your love for my wretched soul. I come knowing that I am not worthy, you alone are my ransom. Bought and paid for with the blood stained tree, the spikes encased in flesh, the bruised, battered body and the salty, tear stained face.

Its clear.
My pride, my selfishness, my laziness, my impatience, my anger, my lack of self control, it's all here.

I am led to the cross. In all its ugliness there is beauty too great to put into words. A beauty that takes my breath away.

He thinks I am worthy enough, he has seen something worth saving that I don't see.

I am humbled, my soul stirs deep and I count the cost.

I belong to you.

I belong to you.

Take up your Cross

2010-04-07T02:12:00.004-04:00

"Salvation is free, but there is a price to pay in following Jesus."

~Billy Graham

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus.

Matthew 16:24 ~

"Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (ESV)

What's your cross to bear?

Sunday's Coming

2010-04-02T01:00:00.004-04:00

(remember to turn music off in my sidebar to watch video)

Remembering my Saviours suffering and death today.

Counting the cost of my sin.

Feeling set free.

On my knees in gratefulness.

At the Cross

There is forgiveness.

At the Cross

I know redemption.

At the Cross

I find purpose.

Significant?

2010-03-30T11:18:00.007-04:00

"If no one is accusing you of being too legalistic, then you probably aren't living a holy life.

If no one is accusing you of being a 'bleeding heart', then you probably aren't loving enough.

If no one is accusing you of being too dogmatic, then you probably aren't standing for the truth.

If no one is accusing you... or criticizing you...you probably aren't doing anything significant."

~Israel Wayne

The Word

2010-03-25T00:20:00.011-04:00

I have to admit, I have been mostly a New King James girl. It is the Bible that I have had and have read for years. I love the accuracy, and comfortable reading style.

I did just buy tradesman an ESV (English Standard Version) study Bible for our anniversary. He was thrilled.
Our church has switched over to using the ESV exclusively for scripture readings and such and he has been dying to get his hands on one.

He is LOVING it. The study content is very extensive and according to John Piper the translation is very accurate to the original wording in the Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic texts.

But I have a confession to make.

Pssst.

I have been reading "the message" as of late.

I have been a bit of a Bible snob and was unwilling to even look at that translation as I considered it completely false and misleading.

I am not saying that I recount those original thoughts completely. I think that we do have to tread carefully when reading translations that are thought- for -thought based. Many
interpretive decisions that should be made by the reader are already made for the reader by the translator. The context, meanings and expression of the original can be lost.

However, since going through the loss of the twins I have abandoned my regular style of reading through the scriptures temporarily and instead have been reading everywhere and anywhere throughout my Bible. And one of my favorite things to do has been to use Bible Gateway.com.

I love that I can look up any scripture in a variety of translations. I found this to be most comforting at times. If you look through some of my more recent posts, you will see that I have a fair bit of scripture posted in the New Living Translation and The Message.

I still always go back to my trusty New King James for Study and context, but I have rather enjoyed the narrative style of The Message. I picked up a soft cover one for rather cheap at the Christian bookstore and have barely been able to put it down.
Maybe, I am just a bit more simple minded or enjoy the easy flow, but I find it comfortable.

Using it for depth or interpretation of scripture I would not, but an enjoyable, relate-able version it is. I believe that it should not replace the actual reading of Gods word from a reliable version, but as an added pleasure with discernment, I could recommend it.

For example, today I was reading in Romans some favorite verses below.

"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 (NKJ)

Beautiful! Can you not just picture that? God has poured out His love to FILL our hearts! I loved that and was curious how "The Message" might word the same scriptures.

Here's Romans 5:3-5

"There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! "

Amen!

This is EXACTLY how I feel. And it was a blessing and an encouragement to me to read.

So hence... my closet "Message reading" has been revealed, and strangely I don't feel bad about it. :)

Where's Waldo Baby My?

2010-03-22T13:28:00.022-04:00

She is enjoying the sunshine, I tell you.

She is thinking that the great outdoors is the greatest thing since slice bread or rather sippy cups...

She wasn't quite walking until the end of summer last year, so this whole outside new found freedom has been quite a high for our little My!

Enjoying the wind in her ~~hair~~ face.

So much to see and do.

These shoes were made for walkin'...

"Oh bother mama, are all these pictures really necessary?"

"Mama, I really have places to go, people to see and things to do climb..."

"I am outta here!"

Just a couple more pix little baby...

Mama does not want to forget a moment of you!

Soaking in the wonderfulness of being a mama,

The Real Mess

2010-03-19T01:00:00.004-04:00

Crash!

Glass vase, rocks, new tulips from my neighbor and a whole lot of water hits the wood floor.

I react.

I see it. The pain I caused.
Blonde curls fall over his big blue eyes, they well.
His cherub cheeks so sweet, but his little lip it protrudes and quivers.

"I'm sorry mama...I didn't mean too."

Oh how it aches now to type it, to remember his precious face and my angry expression, my voice annoyed and loud.

With towels we mop up, him and I side by side.
As I watch his little determined expression while his wee hands try to mimic mine, I meditate.

This wet mess is far easier to clean up then the havoc I created in his tiny heart.

Why am I such a slow learner?

I can create all the beauty I want in the nooks and crannies of our home, but it matters not to my children if I have failed to create beauty in my heart and actions.

I am grateful for the quick forgiveness of little ones, the unconditional love freely given, chubby arms that wrap around my neck and heart. Kisses and smiles that replace the ugliness of moments before.

It comes like a flood, the gratefulness for my life, the sorrow for my many inadequacies and I reflect.

Oh, these little ones have so much to share with us. Sometimes we as mothers are the students and they are the teachers.

Each day is full of choices, moments are captured good and bad and I am thankful.

Blessed, grace-filled memories are but a moment away.

Spring has Sprung

2010-03-17T21:55:00.019-04:00

The last two days of sunshine have put me in the mood!

The mood you say, "for what?"

Spring decorating! Silly.

Collected some squiggly branches in the yard...

Threw them in a plastic bucket, filled it with some rocks to anchor them...

And Voila!

Its a...um, uh...ah.. well, whatever it is, it makes me happy! :)

I paired it with an abandoned nest leftover from last spring. The nest looks cute perched on the chair beside it. I need some fake eggs or something.

This little pot had paint on it, but got left out all winter. I like how it looks now.

Cuteness.

A watering can that my big boys bought me when they were just little boys. This baby just gets better with age. I leave it out every winter and love it even more every spring.

Bring on the spring!

I am ready.

Let the fun begin!

Loving the sunshine,

My Pretty Little Bruiser

2010-03-15T01:47:00.024-04:00

Sure, she looks peaceful and girly.

Don't let that fool you.

As she falls asleep exhausted at the end of the day on momma, she is finally "still" long enough for a closer observation.

Missing a pretty shoe.

Oh, what do we have here?

How on earth does an 18mnth old put a hole in her tights?

Oh ya, that would be the CLIMBING that she takes part in daily!

Sweet baby My is a bruiser, no ifs ands or buts about it.

Oh well, who says you can't look frilly while scaling a bookcase anyway?

A Babys Wave Ensures A Life Saved

2010-03-12T14:26:00.010-05:00

Neato story found here

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

~Psalm.139:13

Our Value

2010-03-10T06:30:00.003-05:00

I can't find anywhere in the word of God where it says a woman should get her sense of security, worth, or value from a place, possession, or any person other than the Lord Jesus Christ.

~Pasty Clairmont

Mondays

2010-03-08T11:34:00.003-05:00

I can be cranky Mondays.

The weekend is over and the same old chores are staring me in the face.

I am overtired because I ALWAYS stay up too late Sundays.

I am either unmotivated or SUPER motivated. Neither one is pretty.

Trust me.

I've decided Monday is my new "Let Loose Day"

Something easy for dinner, don't stress the mess, and embrace the fun day.

Monday no longer seems so daunting.

And really, Tomorrow is just a day away.

Just Call Me Miz. Pebbles

2010-03-05T09:06:00.001-05:00

If you are not a cat person, I apologize for this post.

If you are a sane person, I still apologize for this post.

My daughter has a cat. She adores this cat. She even licked this cat once when it was a kitten thinking that it would help the kitten not to miss her momma so much.

What can I say, she also has her dads DNA.

My daughter just had a birthday and a dear friend who has one of the biggest hearts around is also a little coo coo over this cat.

For my daughter, she bought all of these fluffy, pink accessories and bling.

Ya, I said bling. Who knew that there was actual cat bling. Look at that bauble.

Seriously.

"Don't hate me because I am beautiful."

"What's a girl got to do to get a little cat nip around here?"

Go catch a mouse Kitten!

That IS your job you know or did you forget that part while my daughter was fluffing your pillow and putting on your designer duds?

"Moi? I am far too refined to do any such silly thing. It will only be tuna tar tar for now on I beg you."

"A girl can dream can't she?"

Dream on pussy cat, Dream on.

Of course, if my girl has anything to do with it, the worlds your oyster.

My Birthday Gift

2010-03-03T01:32:00.011-05:00

Okay, so the moment you have all been waiting for, or not.

TA DA!!

I got this lovely box...can you guess what was inside?

Is she not adorable? I wanna be her.

Here's me trying.

Yes, tradesman bought me an apron for my birthday. But let me tell you, it's not just any old apron.

I mean, LOOK at this bow!!

So, I just HAD to do this!

I felt like a 1950's happy housewife... well, without the perfectly coiffed hair and starched underpanties.

But still, I was SO June Cleaver!

Then tradesman made me do this. He's bossy like that.

I just love it when tradesman gets bossy.

If he had his way, I would be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all day.

It even looks pretty hanging on my chair. I actually feel like ironing when I look at it.

Wait.

Never mind, the feeling passed.

Good thing tradesmans daily attire does not require wrinkle free.

This apron has magic powers I tell you.

I was MAJOR glamorous when I was peeling and chopping this big pile of veggies for stew.

Just ask my children.

Oh, actually you can't.

They are all sitting perfectly on my freshly fluffed setee playing a game of scrabble while waiting for the homemade apple pie to finish baking and for me to put the finishing touches on the ice cream I made from scratch after milking Betsy this afternoon....or not.

Loving my new apron,

I Need a Saviour

2010-03-01T00:40:00.003-05:00

"You long for the closeness, the connection, the affirmation that who you are is good and desirable. But God is the only one who can give all that to you all of the time. Your deepest needs and longing will only be met in an intimate relationship with Him. No person will ever reach as deeply into you as God will. No one can ever know you as well or love you as much. That insatiable longing for more that you feel, the emptiness you want those closest to you to fill, is put there by God so that He can fill it.

God wants us to want Him. And when we realize that it's Him that we want, we become free. We are free to identify the longings, loneliness, and emptiness inside of us as our signal that we need to draw near to God with open arms and ask Him to fill us with more of Himself. But this deep and intimate relationship with God that we all desire and can't live without doesn't just happen. It must be sought after, prayed for, nurtured, and treasured. And we must continually seek after, pray for, nurture, and treasure it."

excerpt from "The Power of a Praying Woman"~ Stormie Omartian

I have been meditating on my great need for God. My very real and deep need for a Saviour.
How different my life would look, how different my priorities, how lost I would feel.

How thankful for the life that He gave for me I am. My daily choices I hope reflect my love, my passion for His most precious word.

You have got to know by now how much music speaks to me, I apologize for yet another "you tube" video, but I am going to post it anyway because the words are fitting and beautiful.

(remember to pause the music in my sidebar)

"And what would I say
If You brought down the rain
Oh, and every day
I walked through the pain
my heart would still say,

Your name is Jesus

...You knew that

I'd need a Saviour"

You're the one that I hold onto, I know what you brought me through,

Let There be Light

2010-02-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

I was totally planning on debuting my new birthday present from tradesman, but I forgot to take pictures. I, uh, meant too, but got distracted.

I know.

You are shocked.

Anywhoo, I did however, come across a funny and uplifting little video.
So I leave you with a laugh and fresh hope for a new day.

"Let there be Light!"

Finding my way out of the darkness daily,

p.s. birthday gift pictures coming soon (not that you are as excited as I am :)

(Remember to pause music in my sidebar)

Joy Stealers

2010-02-24T10:00:00.001-05:00

1. Focusing on what you can't do and what you don't have rather than on what you can do and what you do have.

2. Anger ~ at your circumstances, at someone.

3. Self-pity ~ wallowing and staying inwardly focused.

4. Fear ~ whether it be of the future or the unknowns.

5. Envy ~ looking around and thinking that everyone always seems to be better off than you are.

We cannot control what happens around us, we cannot control the people around us. The circumstances that we find ourselves in, the trials endured, the disappointments, betrayals, and difficulties are all part of living in a fallen world.

Bad things happen, people make mistakes, life hurts. We have a choice.

JOY.

We can allow these joy stealers to creep into our thoughts and minds and consume us or we can allow ourselves to be captivated by real, healing, bless-ed joy.

Does joy necessarily mean giddy happiness?

I don't believe so. Sure there are times where it is most definitely that. But there are other times where joy is far more quiet and subdued.

...In your presence is fullness of joy...Psalm 16:11(NKJ)

Joy in His presence not necessarily in our present circumstances. The circumstances may be disappointing, they may be ugly, they may be overwhelming but the fact remains there is still a possibility for joy.

Psalm 15:9 (NKJ)

~As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.

11 ~These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you and that your joy may be full.

Abide in His love and His joy will remain in you.

Abiding, relishing, pursuing our Saviors love will produce joy that sustains through any situation, any disappointment any trial.

Looking heavenward, looking to the truth found in His word.

This is where you will find your joy, whether it be giddy and overflowing or quietly being weaved into your innermost being.

Choose Him.

Choose joy.

Love,

He Keeps a Record

2010-02-22T00:40:00.004-05:00

I think as women we often are disillusioned on how we see God.

We believe that he is far more interested in how much we fall short, how we fail. We focus on what we perceive to be His list of our shortcomings.
How obscure. We are on Gods heart and mind, but not for the very reason that we think.

What has brought me joy as of late is this.

His record.

No, it is not His record of my sins which I'm sure are plenty. It is His record of my pain.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

~Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)

Or the way its worded in "The Message"

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

God keeps a record.

He knows our pain. He feels our pain.

I hurt with the hurt of my people.
I mourn and am overcome with grief.

~Jeremiah 8:21(New Living Translation)

You are significant.

You matter to the King.

No matter what you dealing with, it is not going unnoticed. He is there in your pain and your grief.

Step out.

It's time.

Trust Him to reach into those hidden places that all scream out for something more.

Below I have posted a beautiful song by Selah. It is called "Unredeemed."
Whatever your sorrow, your pain, He sees it all and it will not go unredeemed...

(remember to pause the music in my sidebar first)

We never know the miracle He has in store,

Winning Their Hearts

2010-02-19T15:44:00.003-05:00

"It's the way that I respond to my children in the everyday moments that gives me the best chance of winning their hearts forever. If I have integrity and patience in the small moments of life that are so important to my children, and if I approach them with a servants heart, then I have a far better chance of influencing them in the larger more critical issues of life."

(excerpt from~ The Mission of Motherhood~Sally Clarkson)

Got Milk?

2010-02-17T12:27:00.005-05:00

Or blueberry smoothie, rather.

She makes blueberry health shakes at least look yummy...

The Song of the Tradesmans Wife

2010-02-14T16:29:00.011-05:00

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth

For your love is far better than chocolate

Draw me to you

You, my tradesman are most handsome

Rugged, yet gentle

Manly, yet sensitive

Strong and dependable

Full of adoration for your family

Your smile makes me weak

Your adorable dimples, they tease me

Your lips stir passion so deep

Hands so rough and calloused

Years of hard work for your family

Their touch so careful with our little ones

Their touch so breathtaking with me

It lingers long on

Yes, He is altogether lovely

This is my beloved

This is my friend

I hear your voice and I smile

You are home and it means I am complete

Your strong arms, they encircle me

My face finds my way into your chest and I am content

Your breath on my neck reminds me

Our love so fulfilling, so exquisite

Our passion a gift so precious

I anxiously await to open it again and again

So many years now

There were times where it seemed it was too hard

Would our love make it through?

Was there a way back to where it began?

Seems like such a distant memory

It has blown away a grain at a time

Like sand in the wind

Scattered, never to be found

The future is in front of us

The journey so exciting, so fresh

No one I would rather run hand in hand with

And I thank God

I am my beloved's

And my beloved is mine

*inspired by The Song of Solomon :)

Happy Valentines Day Tradesman!

Forever Yours,

Shipwreaked

2010-02-12T11:32:00.003-05:00

"Difficulties... are only miracles that have not yet happened... The difference is whether I'm going to endure evil or make it a vehicle of blessing."

"Daily with the King"

( devotional) by Glyn Evans.

Cheat Day

2010-02-10T00:53:00.017-05:00

Because of this whole annoying diet thing, I eat no sugar at all or anything remotely yummy, except for one glorious day a week to which I affectionately refer to as "Cheat Day".

My sweet, freshly turned 7 yr. old gets SO excited about this day. She has been ~~cursed~~ blessed with her mamas' sweet tooth. And this is the day that all things chocolate enter our house for a brief 24 hrs.

Recently, she celebrated this day by making tradesman buy me chocolate, candy and Pillsbury cinnamon rolls to serve me in bed. She planned on starting mamas' day with a bang!

The missing cinnamon roll from the plate would be because I, ahem inhaled it.

Don't think I can't hear you snickering about the proportional accuracy of her drawing...

Counting down till my next cheat day,

p.s. down 6 pds...it was that pesky looong period that was holding things up :)

A New Outlook

2010-02-08T01:00:00.002-05:00

My perceptions have been blown open. My outlook is different. I have been challenged and encouraged in my thinking.

I read a book recently called "Same Kind of Different as Me." The book was written by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.

The story is true. The story isn't always pretty.

There is hardship. It is such that we have never known, or could even begin to understand. It's a beautiful story of redemption so powerful in the lives of two men with two very different backgrounds.

God uses one woman to weave His incredible gift of grace into both of their lives and bring them together in a way that could only be truly orchestrated by Him.

I got angry, I cried, I marveled, I rejoiced.

I will never look at some people the same way again.

~~~~~~~

My family participated in a homeless coat drive in December. We joined friends whose church ministers to the homeless with a big hot breakfast and distributes coats, hats, mitts to those in need.

My family prayed for those that we would be serving, and speaking too. We were all prepared to speak into their lives, share the gospel and love on them.

What great lofty ideas, what ignorance and arrogance really. To think that we could just go down there once a year and really reach their hearts?!

Honestly, I was discouraged when I came home. Sure they got fed, they received tracts, and they left with coats. But did we make an eternal impact? I didn't think so.

One guy whom I spoke to for what seemed like forever, actually correction, he spoke to me forever exasperated me.

Everytime I tried to mention Christ, Gods love for him, his need for a Saviour I was given a long monologue on stairs to heaven, a coke can, balancing on a pole and dishwashers.

He was fried. He made NO sense. Be it drugs, mental illness, spiritual oppression, he was more than a few screws loose. My heart ached for him, I longed to share with him all that was stored up in my heart.

I wondered if the whole thing was futile. Had we really addressed their spiritual needs or just met their physical needs?

Yes and no to both.

Seeds may have been planted with some, and we had reached out and cared with the heart of Jesus.

We are called to do just that. Speak truth, care, love and serve.

It was not all that I envisioned it to be, but I was glad to be a part of it.

~Fast Forward~

After reading this book, (Same kind of Different) I was ashamed. I realized that I had limited God in what He could do. I had limited His power to certain people. It shouldn't matter what shape they are in now, how dire they look, how hopeless the situation seems.

God restores, heals, makes all things new.

He is in the business of miracles.

Life-changing, earth shattering, Spirit transforming miracles!

We may not have daily interactions with homeless, drug addicted, rough living people. But we all have lost people in our lives. I am sure everyone knows a prodigal or maybe has even been a prodigal themselves.

I was talking to a friend once about my frustration, my burden for some lost relatives. It seemed so hopeless at times, so impossible.

She encouraged me to look at them through different eyes. She said to me, "See them how they will be. Don't look at them the way they are now. Look at them as if God has already transformed them. What can you see?"

"Look at their strengths and then imagine how those strengths would manifest themselves if the Holy Spirit got a hold of them. See them as already a new creature in Christ. The fire, the passion."

Oh, how this encouraged me. It transformed my prayer life for the close, unsaved people around me. I had fresh insight, a fresh purpose, and new hope.

I am energized. I am thank-ful for things yet to come.

And I await.

Till He makes all things new.

p.s. I highly recommend this book. You won't regret it and I guarantee it will move you and shake you.
(Don't we all need that now and then? :)

A Mothers Face

2010-02-05T07:00:00.002-05:00

"I think my life began with waking up and loving my mother's face."

~George Elliot

These are a Few of My (non) Favorite Things

2010-02-03T02:00:00.002-05:00

Fruit Protein Smoothies. Oh, I know it looks purty...but don't let that fool you. Looks can be deceiving ya know.
Because of the myriad of healthy ingredients inside it tastes like...it tastes like, oh.. I have no idea what it tastes like, but its not good I tell ya, not good at all!

Eggs. Whoever coined the phrase "natures perfect food" didn't have to eat them EV. ERY. DAY!

Dumbbells. They come by their name honestly.

I know what you're thinking..."those red workout pants are really hot."

And the bane of my existence. The Treadmill.

Oh, I know, everybody WANTS a treadmill. I remember feeling that way once upon a time.

The thing is, once you have one, you are indebted to actually USE one.

Let me tell you, its not all fun and games. When the couch is only 12 ft from your hard core run, it takes some mighty feisty arguments between your head and your body where no one's really a winner to keep yourself on that said treadmill.

So after almost a month of a brutal diet and exercise regime 6 days a week I have lost a total of..wait for it... 3 pounds. 3 whole stinkin' pounds.

Oh, and that 3 pounds? It came off EXACTLY where I was hoping it would come off. I remember thinking to myself "Gee, I really hope my cup size shrinks, I mean I wouldn't want to hit a "C" or anything like that. (Sheesh)

So I guess my mid tire and I are bound to be BFFs for evermore. (Perfect)

*If you are detecting some angst in this post, that would be the low blood sugar talking. I apologize. :)

Hungry and cranky,

On a Personal Note

2010-02-01T07:00:00.007-05:00

I haven't shared a whole lot about the physical side of my loss. It just seemed too personal, too painful to talk about.

After some questions from friends and some emails from women that I do not know personally who were curious about the choices we made I have decided to share.

The day that we went to the hospital one last time to confirm whether or not our babies were truly lost we fully expected to be admitted for a "procedure" if indeed they were.

Thankfully, the obstetrician that we spoke to after checking one last time for a heart beat really spent some time with us. He listened to my heart and my desires and gave me another option.

He was just as adamant as the other OBs and doctors that we do not wait out the miscarriage to come on its own. He too agreed that it was far too big of a risk.

He did however give me the option of taking a drug that would induce labor and allow the miscarriage to happen with the help that would be needed to do it efficiently. He prescribed a drug and allowed me to go home. I would need to take it for 24 to 48 hrs and then return to the hospital for yet another ultrasound. This time it was to be an internal one (lovely) to make sure that the drug did its job fully.

I was thankful to be able to go home, take the drugs and crawl into bed. I won't lie, it was not an easy route to take. The drugs had nasty side effects, the labor came on with a vengeance and the whole thing was messy, painful and difficult.

The decision was not made lightly. The OB had laid out the risks, he told us what to watch for and what to head to the hospital for.

It boiled down to the fact that I wanted to see my babies, I wanted to hold them just once. I know for some women that would just be too painful and I completely respect that.

For me, it was the closure that I craved.

There were a couple of scary hours. The placenta did get stuck and I did pass out at one point. Tradesman prayed fervently and kept watch on my bleeding. God was there. He never left us alone.

When I followed up for the ultrasound I was told that the drugs had adequately expelled everything from my uterus, but that the lining of my uterus still looked abnormal which could be expected from such a large loss. I was warned that my first menstruation would be a doozy. (oh joy)

I did bleed for a good month following. I was not however, quite prepared for the "doozy" that he warned of.

My first menstruation after some spotting and light bleeding came on like a beast in the middle of the night. It awakened both myself and tradesman. (that would be my yelping)

A hot shower while trying to find a way to even sit and ease the pain with lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself was how the rest of the middle of the night played out.

I ended up in bed for the rest of the next day and found the first 24 hrs to be crippling. Even walking to go to the bathroom was brutal. Nausea was a nice sidekick to the whole thing as well. I have had some bad periods but nothing quite like that. At times it took my breath away.

It has now become the gift that just keeps on giving. I am now on day 10 and the bleeding will not stop. The pain is fine, no problem there now. I am just exhausted and spent. I feel weak and drained.

So my question to those of you who have experienced miscarriage is ~

What was your first period like following your loss?

Was it extra long?

I have never had a period that lasted more than 5/6 days and by that time the bleeding was light. After my previous miscarriages it was no different.

This seems to show no signs of slowing down.

I am looking for natural ways that I could heal and feel better. I would like to avoid going back to the hospital if at all possible.

If you do not feel comfortable sharing in my comments please email me at~

thepassionatehousewife@gmail.com

I am so very grateful for the wealth of women who share their wisdom, knowledge, experiences and ideas with one another. What a gift to each of us...thank you.

Blessings,

Good Kids

2010-01-27T08:42:00.003-05:00

Good kids.

Is that all we want?

I think that I have spent the better part of the last 14 years of raising my children focusing on just that. Sure "good" to me involves a whole lot more than what it might mean to someone else.

Do they love God?
Are they kind and compassionate?
Unselfish, generous and good servers?
Obedient, and respectful?

These things matter to me, these are traits that I hold in esteem before my children. I measure their behavior according to how well they are fulfilling these qualities. I strive to reach their hearts with the importance of each of these in their life. I disciple, exhort, rebuke and discipline with their character in mind.

I want to raise kids that are not only a blessing to me but to others around me. I want to live in a home where there is joy, and dissension and conflict is at a medium.
This takes work, lots of work. It takes time, lots of time.

So much work and time that sometimes I forget that there is more. A whole lot more.

Will it be enough if I raise children that are just good?

I don't believe so. I think that there are lots of good Christian people out there. There are lots of good Christian people filling the pews every Sunday.

Christ didn't preach that we were to strive for good. He did not preach that we were to reach the epitome of good. We already know that our righteousness is like filthy rags. There is no comparison to Gods holiness, His perfection.

What did He preach then?

Matthew 16:25~For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

I think that Christian parents today have fallen prey to the worlds standards of success.
Sure they want little Johnny to grow up good, but they also want little Johnny to grow up privileged, to have most everything, to take part in most everything, to compete in most everything. They want the best education, the most opportunities, and little Johnny to not experience loss, pain, or want.

I most definitely believe education is important. But not at the expense of godly discipleship. I want opportunities for my children, but not just good, fun opportunities. I want them to experience service opportunities, difficult opportunities, and uncomfortable opportunities.

I have no desire to raise wimpy, pampered children. I have no desire to have lazy, indulged, pushy, or bully children.

When I look at my children's future I do not dream of fancy colleges or universities. I don't aspire for them to have lofty degrees and prestigious letters after their names.

No I am striving for something more, much more.

Will my children be willing to lose their life if asked... as in would they be willing to lay down earthly dreams, goals if God laid it on their heart to do so?

Will they strive after the worlds idea of success or will they seek the less prominent, less appealing, humble pursuit of service?

I realize that the world has a need for Christian doctors, lawyers, engineers and professors. But within those prestigious positions there are non prestigious choices. If God has given my child a gift, a skill if you may and has laid it on his heart to pursue one of these occupations would he be willing to set aside the many opportunities that came his way to seek out a way to use his position, his gift in humble service?

This may mean loss of status, loss of opportunities, loss of financial gain maybe even income.

Whoever is willing to lose his life for me will gain his life

I take it very seriously my role in equipping my children with this mindset. My training, my teaching, the experiences I provide for them, the experiences that they find themselves in that I do not rescue them from, the things that I let them struggle through.

All of this is beneficial, it provides a framework from which God can work within in their hearts.`

Why would we want our children to seek earthly gain, what eternal value is in that?

Heavenly minded, Kingdom purposes... those should be our goals.

Good is great.

But good is not good enough.

Strive for more mommies...strive for so much more.

Locks of Love

2010-01-25T14:15:00.014-05:00

Who do these little beauty's belong too?

They did belong to my sweet, first born daughter.
Now thanks to Locks of Love they will go towards helping to make a wig for a child who needs one.

I LOVE my daughters long hair and it was sad for mama to see it go.

My daughter on the other hand could not get into that hairdressers fast enough and enjoyed every minute of the experience.

She is an independent, free spirit and wanted her hair short and wanted to donate.

I, on the other hand was just a tad mopey despite the good cause. Come on lets be honest here, you have seen baby My...it takes FOREVER for my girls to grow hair, so mama gets just a wee bit attached when it finally does.

It did turn out pretty darn cute though! She suddenly looks a whole lot older...not too sure that I like that part!

Sweet baby girl, don't grow up too fast! I forbid it!

Summer on the Brain

2010-01-22T23:00:00.001-05:00

Ya, I got summer on the brain. Maybe it's because I froze my tooshie off outside for far too long today while carrying hefty baby My around on my hip through knee deep snow... okay not really knee deep it was normal snow but it felt knee deep with a large cold toddler on my aching arm.

I am SO ready for blue skies, green grass and the sun on my back. I am done with snow pants, squishy boots and missing gloves...

I am done with a cold house, cold toes, cold shoveling, cold van...

I want summer.

It's only January. 22 nd.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Refiner of Silver

2010-01-18T21:40:00.013-05:00

I have been thinking much about trial and suffering in the Christians life. I have thought about our responsibility in how we walk through that trial, our example to the saved and unsaved around us.

If we mean what we say, and we want our lives to reflect a pursuit of God, than how we see trial is pivotal to how we respond to trial.

Embracing Gods sovereignty and the things that He allows to happen or not happen in our lives should be done with willingness and peace.

Willing - knowing that He will never leave us, and He knows our limits. That He will rescue us before it becomes more than we could possibly bear.

Peace - A real trust that He sees the future, knows the impact on not only our lives but on the ones around us. It is for the greater good. We can have that assurance by faith and His promises despite our limited human knowledge.

Below is something that I came across recently. A woman posted it on a ladies forum to comfort other sisters in Christ who found themselves amidst the fires of trial. I wanted to share it here in hopes that it would bring you joy as it has me.

Malachi 3:3 ~ "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith,

"How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered,

"Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

With joy being refined,

Spiritual Pride

2010-01-13T17:11:00.006-05:00

"Proud people tend to speak of other's sins, the miserable delusion of hypocrites, the deadness of some saints with bitterness, or the opposition to holiness of many believers. Pure Christian humility, however, is silent about the sins of others, or speaks of them with grief and pity.

The spiritually proud person finds fault with other saints for their lack of progress in grace, while the humble Christian sees so much evil in his own heart, and is so concerned about it, that he is not apt to be very busy with other hearts.

He complains most of himself and his own spiritual coldness and readily hopes that most everybody has more love and thankfulness to God than he."

"One under the influence of spiritual pride is more apt to instruct others than to ask questions. Such a person naturally puts on the airs of a master. The eminently humble Christian thinks he needs help from everybody, whereas the spiritually proud person thinks everybody needs his help. Christian humility, under a sense of others’ misery, entreats and beseeches, but spiritual pride commands and warns with authority."

~Written by Jonathan Edwards

Important to Who?

2010-01-11T22:52:00.015-05:00

Something to ponder...

"When you is precious to God, you become important to Satan."

A line said by Denver to Ron in the book
"Same Kind of Different as Me"

(An amazing true story by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.)

More on this book later. Still chewing on it.

To Purge or Not to Purge? (that is the question)

2010-01-05T22:08:00.012-05:00

So in an effort to avoid starting school again with my children, I officially declared this week purge and organization week!

They had to still do their reading and their math (lest you think I am completely irresponsible) but other than that they were to be my child ~~slaves~~ laborers.

What is it about decluttering and organizing that causes me to want to hide under my bed (lest I have to share) with a package of chocolate chips?

I mean, I LOVE to think about all the things that I will declutter and organize. I even love to make lists about it or at least think about making lists. I always seem to have these great intentions and wonderful ideas but never any follow through (dang that pesky follow through)

So Monday morning was to start with a bang. Up and at' em, making my list and checkin' it twice goin' find out who's...never mind.

Anyhow, I had big plans, lots of expectation, and more than enough to conquer. After a morning of procrastination, and baking brownies with the little ones I ended up on the couch watching the movie Pinocchio with all the kids. What?? How did that happen?

When I gathered my senses, I marched myself upstairs with boys in tow and tackled their room. It took all afternoon and into the evening and still some was left for today. But it is finished... closet, clothing, under the bed (yikes), shelves, all purged! Hallelujah!

Today was to be the girls room day. I SO could not get motivated this morning. Coffee was not doing its job, I felt sluggish and lazy.

Tradesman was home today and had errands to do, needed to work on our van and start to clean out our garage.

I really wanted to just sit around and distract him (I'm just sayin) Eventually, he was able to pull himself away from me (I let go) to get the stuff done he needed too.

I on the otherhand, said yes to the little ones when they asked if they could go outside to play in the snow and toboggan. (what was I thinking) and then spent the next 1/2 hour finding snow gear, wrestling on snow gear, zipping up snow gear and then pushing snow geared children out the door. I had started folding a load of laundry before the kids requested to go outside and did not finish folding that load of laundry till at least an hour and a half later.

After pushing snow geared children outside, it wasn't long
(89 sec.) till they came back pleading for my help in finding sleds. Ugh. I donned my boots and coat, dredged my way across our yard through the knee deep snow to the workshop. Found a blow up toboggan, blew out a lung blowing the thing up, reminded the kids NOT to close the door behind us because the handle is broken and you can't get out from the inside, watched as 4 yr. old clamored into the shop excitedly and promptly closed the door behind him.

As I stood there looking bewildered, I wondered if it was really necessary to heed tradesmans warning to not enter the garage from the workshop door entrance because a skunk had taken up residence in our rafters. That being the only working door, I was thinking how likely is it really that the skunk would be awake and spunky at this time, I mean, was I really likely to get sprayed or just a little squirted?

However, having no experience with skunk spraying when I opened the door a crack I could smell a faint, familiar disgusting odor that has been encountered on many drives through the country. I figured being trapped in the cold workshop with the kids was a better option.

Thankfully, we were released a short time later, someone was hungry and came looking for me. (figures) After taking kids over to the hill at the back of our property with the toboggan, they proceeded to try and slide down the hill. There was too much snow and a path needed to be made first. I grabbed a cardboard box and had to use the only feasible, adequate body part I could think of. Ya, that would be my derriere. So a humbling and yet entertaining "skooch" down the hill produced the desired result and a sliding path was born.

I trudged back to the house, butt and legs covered in snow, hands freezing and insides craving more coffee. I knew it would not be long till the little snow geared children would find their back to the house, needing help dissembling from their many layers, hoping for hot cocoa and a mountain of boots, mitts, scarves, hats, coats and snow would be ready for clean up.

I found my way into the kitchen after replacing my pants and tripped over the pile of clean laundry I had abandoned earlier. I could almost hear my list on the counter laughing at me.
It was that high pitched, screeching witch's cackle.

Somehow, after much delay and drama I did make it to the girls room. We made a good dent, but I will still probably need another day and a half in there. At the rate I'm going I should be done by next week or not.

What is seriously the problem??!! How come some people are so good at this?? And some of us are just NOT??!!

Keeping it real,

Here at Your Feet

2010-01-01T17:50:00.006-05:00

20 weeks today.

Half way through...such a milestone. I always loved it when I hit this week in my pregnancies. Such excitement, such anticipation. Nice large belly, lots of kicking and active movement, over the hump of morning sickness, looking forward to the promise of new life just around the corner...

I know I should stop counting. I know its wrong, silly, crazy, whatever. I can't help it. Tradesman says that I need to stop, its only going to hurt more. He's right.

I was thinking about them so much today. I was thinking about all the crazy ideas we had for announcing our pregnancy over Christmas to our families. We knew that my big belly would have been impossible to hide any longer.

Funny how sometimes I feel like two different people. On one hand I can laugh, talk, be silly, enjoy the festivities around me. I can pretend everythings just fine.
Then there is this part of me that's not really there at all. It's sort of just watching everything. It's thinking, remembering, hurting, weeping.

I have been listening to tradesmans new Casting Crown cd all day. One song I cannot get out of my head. "Here at Your Feet"

Here at your feet I lay this day down..not in my strength but in Yours I've found
All I need...You're all I need

Jesus, Jesus at your feet oh to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus at your feet there is nowhere else for me...
There is nowhere else for me

Here at your feet I lay my future down...all of my dreams I give to you now
And I find peace... I find peace

Here at your feet, I lay my life down...For You my King, You're all I want now
And my soul sings...Cause I am free

I lay it down, this long day, this constant reminder that I am not 20 weeks pregnant today...I lay it down here at Your feet.
My dreams and hopes for the future...here at your feet Jesus

I am here at your feet Lord, my life it's yours ...there is really nowhere else for me... I find peace in You alone, in You alone my Lord. Peace in knowing that you have it all figured out, you have it all planned.

With You my King, my soul sings. Thank you Father that my soul still sings.

A New Year, new beginnings...not what I thought it looked like, not exactly how I wish it could be. But, exactly where I want to be...

At His Feet.

There are no Tears in Heaven

2009-12-28T14:50:00.014-05:00

I was given a beautiful little book from a sweet friend.

"Mommy please don't cry... There are no tears in Heaven."

Of course, once I cracked open the book the tears came freely.

"I met Jesus today Mommy. He cradled me in His big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside."

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

The book is full of the most exquisite pictures. Looking at them reached down into the very pit of my pain and fulfilled a visual longing I had. Not even really realizing that the longing was there.

The very longing of my heart...to once again be united with my little ones, to have our hearts beat as one.

I know babies that you will wait right there safe and sound enjoying the splendor of heaven, being cared for by the angels and being loved fully by our Heavenly Father.

And I will continue to long for you every day and live in expectation of when I can love on you and care for you like my mamas' heart so desperately wants too.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T20:54:00.007-05:00

From our family to yours...

Have a bless-ed and Christ filled holiday!!

A very Merry Christmas friends and lots of love,

Girly Improv

2009-12-23T10:40:00.010-05:00

I officially declared yesterday board game day around here. I had much clean up and organizing to do throughout the day. If I saw you, you were going to be put to work. If I heard you, you were going to be put to work.

So all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

When it had been awfully quiet for a LONG time, I had thought I better do a check on everyone. There had been a request for tape at one point and my curiosity got the better of me imagining the worst if baby My My got a hold of it. Visions of sugar plums, ornaments and our new kitty covered in tape, danced in my head.

Baby My My was instead found terrorizing the boys chess game and the girls were happily playing a newly repaired game of Mouse Trap.

A pink sparkly emery board had been fastened in place of a missing piece. The girls were not only pleased with the fact that it worked, but they now believed the game looked a whole lot cuter!

Did I mention that I love having girls?

"What is Sin?"

2009-12-19T23:25:00.003-05:00

A son asked his mother the question, "What is sin?"

"Son, Whatever weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God or takes away your relish for spiritual things.
In short, if anything increases the authority of the world and power of the flesh over the spirit, that to you, becomes sin, however good it is in itself."

(Thanks to my friend for sharing this awesome quote with me!)

All is Bright

2009-12-17T09:00:00.004-05:00

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright.

"The Reason for the Season?"

2009-12-15T11:00:00.001-05:00

So Christians everywhere are all up in arms over "Happy Holidays!" Really??!!

Of all the things to get yourself all in a tizzy over is this really that important?

Don't get me wrong, I am against the secularism, and commercialism of Christmas just as much as some.

Jesus is most definitely the reason for the season!

However, I think what I heard on the radio by dear old Focus on the Family is a bit over the top.

Boycotting stores, signing petitions, and sending in emails to change big corporations advertising and store front clerk greetings. Choosing the stores by their Christian/Christmas friendly rating. Wow.

Why so much energy and precious air time poured into this? Wouldn't it be far more fruitful if we just spent that drive and directed that passion into being like Christ this Christmas.

If you have got the "Keep Christ in Christmas" bumper sticker on your car and yet blaring from your livingroom big screen can be heard our Lord and Saviors name in vain during your favorite T.V. program, what reallys the problem?

If on Sunday is the only time your Bible is cracked open or your head is bowed... if you can look back over this past year and can't think of even one new person that you have shared the gospel with...Could it be that there might be a bigger issue?

It seems that Christians can get so caught up in a bandwagon mentality. "Oh, the nerve, the unrighteousness of it all, I am so offended, we must fight back!"

Seriously?

How about we keep the CHRIST in CHRISTIAN this Christmas and any of the other 364 days of the year. Lets encourage one another to focus on those things that really matter.

"And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him." ~2 Cor.3:18 (TLB I liked the simpleness of the verse in this translation)

When we pursue God, when we seek hard after Him we receive a heart like Him. That is our reward.

Don't settle for lesser passions. What is greater than a heart like Jesus?

Suddenly, your eyes are opened to what really matters. You see the pain and hurt and suffering all around you. You see the multitudes of lost souls. You hunger after truth, and righteousness.

What does that mean? It means you get off your duff and you do something about it! It means that not a day goes by where you haven't spent time on your knees crying out to God to change you, mold you, USE you to further His kingdom, bless those around you and LOVE.

Okay, so the Old Navy salesperson says "Happy Holidays!" you smile real big and say "Well, thank you and a very Merry Christmas to you!"

"And hey, let me tell you a little something about that Christ in Christmas..."

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,

Prayer

2009-12-13T21:22:00.005-05:00

When a believing person prays, great things happen~ James 5:16

Prayer is the recognition that if God had not engaged himself in our problems we would still be lost in the blackness. It is by his mercy that we have been lifted up. Prayer is that whole process that reminds us of who God is and who we are.

I believe there's great power in prayer. I believe God heals the wounded, and that he can raise the dead. But I don't believe we tell God what to do and when to do it.

God knows that we, with our limited vision, don't even know that for which we should pray. When we entrust our requests to him, we trust him to honor our prayers with holy judgement.

Excerpt from Walking with the Savior ~Max Lucado

Counting my Blessings

2009-12-11T22:40:00.010-05:00

I was feeling sorry for myself, wallowing a little in self pity.

I was sharing my pain with God and He gently reminded me of how very blessed I am. I spent some time looking through some pictures of the summer and came across a little fun photo shoot I did at my in laws of 3 of my children. Made a little slide show and felt better.

"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds."-Psalm 147:3

Continuing to count my blessings,

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The Season Begins

2009-12-09T23:07:00.007-05:00

The Christmas festivities have officially begun here at the Passionate Housewife's house...

This is thanks to two over zealous, relentless, won't stop bugging mama, sweet crafty girls.

Their first craft of the season...

- One glass vase that somehow has not yet been broken in my house of boys.

-Leftover Christmas ribbon and bows from Christmases past.

-Box of candy canes.

-Styrofoam craft balls reused and spilled every year.

-Two very anxious and creative, Christmas loving girls.

And voila.

I love having girls.

Peace

2009-12-07T21:56:00.021-05:00

The memorial was beautiful. Not only did I feel the spirit of God in the room, but I felt an overwhelming amount of love and support from the people around us.

I have to admit, I still did not feel ready to see people, talk with people, and just be normal. I hid at the front when everyone was coming in. The whole thing was rather surreal.

The ceremony was simple and yet perfect. I felt a peace that I had not felt all week wash over me. Although, I cried throughout the entire ceremony, I dried up when it came time to leave my seat and actually talk to people.

I wish I could say I was gracious and had great things to say, but instead I wandered around rather emotionally spent and a few apples short of a bushel.
Seriously, I introduced family to...uh, family. Tradesmans sister in law to his nephew and wife. Wow, now that was embarrassing.

I walked by one nice man whose wife I know and who had been praying for us consistently throughout this whole thing and just briefly stated "I don't know you" and then kept walking.

I had officially lost it. I think that I said alot of dumb things that didn't make much sense to people, but I really don't remember what I said. The whole thing was so outside my comfort zone, and the emotional state that I was in didn't help much.

There were people that I wanted to connect much more with and yet did not really get a chance too. I was truly overwhelmed by peoples willingness to be there to support us. Some had driven quite a way to get there and others had given up their previous plans to help us out.

Amazing to me how much God can use His people to tangibly show His love through.

A friend who loves us dearly had everything set up and organized when we got there. She amazed me. Her daughter sang for us the song on my blog "I will carry you" during the ceremony. It was breathtaking.
The pastor who did our service not only did a wonderful job, but him and his wife and their group who had been praying for us provided all the food including set up and clean up for the little reception following.
When I was struggling emotionally with putting together our simple little memorial pamphlet, my one friend took 30 min to format and put it together beautifully so all I had to do was take it in to have it copied. She saved me hours and many tears. Her husband and their church also provided the lend of their brand new sound equipment for our singers.
A husband of a sweet couple we know willingly came and selflessly did our worship despite having little time to prepare.

My heart swells with gratitude. My cup overfloweth. God is SO very good.

It is only by Gods grace that the ceremony went as it did and by the people that He worked through.

I know for us that this is not over. I am very aware that my grief is still very real and difficult.
I do have a peace that was not there before. It is a quiet, knowing, and sad peace.

I have to admit both tradesman and I felt very oppressed all last week leading up to the memorial. We were discouraged, a little lost, and overcome with grief.

I am thankful for a God who did not give up on us, who stayed close by and held us tightly in His grip. A God who grants peace out of turmoil and calms the very strong, and mighty storms in our lives.

Tradesman shared with me this song that really ministered to him throughout the week. I thought I would share it here in case it happens to minister to any of you on whatever path or trial you might find yourself in.

	Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

(Don't forget to pause music in my sidebar)

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?

How long must I wait, must I wait for You?

How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me

I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why

I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me

I’m on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers,

Your promises remain

I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear

You call my name

To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that’s all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You’re everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?

Hold my heart

Love,

Hope

2009-12-04T09:20:00.008-05:00

Its been a tough week. I'm not going to lie. Planning this memorial is not something I wanted to really do.

I do want to honor their little lives despite how short they were. I do want to recognize them in front of family and friends that they were and are very much loved as much as all of our other children.

I do want to acknowledge the creator and author of life as the lover of our souls, the only one who could possible sustain us at this time.

And yet it is so very difficult.

The body of Christ has been wonderful. There has been no shortage of people willing to help and encourage. I have been overwhelmed by peoples generosity.

I wish I could say it lessens the grief, or makes each day more bearable. However, it does not.

When I was looking for a verse for the memorial handout I was overcome with emotion. It just seemed so unfair. I did not want to make a death handout sound nice. It's not nice.

I want to make a birth announcement. I want to shout from the roof tops how very blessed I am. I want to say the very desire of my heart has been heard and answered!

So hard to hear the voice of truth when the loudness of your grief and emotions are all that fill your ears and mind.

I feel dry. I feel empty. I have nothing lofty to share, no great spiritual insights.

It's funny this line from a hymn has been playing in my head over and over again this week.

"I have no other arguments, I have no other pleas, it is enough that Jesus died and that He died for me..."

It has to be enough. I cannot argue my point, my side, how I see things with the Creator of the Universe. I cannot plea something that is already finished, already decided.

He allows NOTHING to happen that goes outside His realm, His sovereign will.

I know He grieves as well. I know His heart hurts when we hurt.

The reality is we live here on earth. We live a life separate from God, in the shadow of sin.

Our sin.

This life here is not meant to be easy. Its full of trials, pain, grief, and sin.

Our hope cannot be based on temporal issues. That's all we have here. TEMPORARY lives.

Our hope must be built on things that are eternal. Our hope must rest on HIM.

His righteousness. His sacrifice that frees us from this sin filled, broken life here on earth.

"Our heart shall rejoice in Him because we have trusted in His holy name. Let your mercy be upon us, just as we hope in you."

Psalm 33:21,22

When I was looking for a verse, this is the one that comforted me. My hope is on Him and Him alone. I can rest assured that "It is well with my soul."

His mercy, His all encompassing love is what I need, and crave to be able live out this life when it doesn't make sense. When all I want to do is shout up at the sky "WHY?"

It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul.

It is enough.

Baby Memorial

2009-12-02T20:08:00.003-05:00

For those of you who are in town and are not on our email list or facebook I wanted to post the information here for our memorial as well.

The memorial will take place this Saturday, Dec.5th at 2:00pm
Summerside Community Chapel on Commissioners East of Highbury.

For those of you not coming in bloggy world please keep me in your prayers as I am sure it will be a difficult day.

Thanks so much.

What's for Breakfast?

2009-12-01T12:03:00.017-05:00

Take a guess at what baby My My had for breakfast...

Yes, I am a BAD, BAD mother.

"No, you are not mama, Everyone knows that chocolate cookies are an essential part of a toddlers diet."

"Besides, they are finger lickin' good."

My excuses are as follows :

~I slept in after a restless night of bad dreams and crying.

~I still had not drank a cup of coffee when I tore open this package of cookies to give her one.

~I wanted chocolate cookies too.

~I was having a bad hair day. (could be I need a shower)

~It was sunny outside.

~I didn't want to make her eggs or oatmeal and scooping yogurt into a bowl seemed too much trouble. (Pathetic)

Seems she enjoyed her breakfast, and now that I have confessed, I feel better too.

Love in Abundance

2009-11-29T11:48:00.012-05:00

Christmas came early this year.

When Tradesman and I were in the States the other night He bought me this.

Love in abundance. Could I describe my heart any better? Not only does it overflow for these precious babies now being held and cared for in heaven, but it bursts at the seam for all that I have been given.

An incredible husband who grieves with me, and still holds me and prays for me every night without fail. 6 sweet children who never let me go long without a smile, a laugh and well, a mess to clean up.

Though I will never have locks of hair to tuck into this wee box, little hands or foot prints, never will I have hospital bracelets, and birth anouncements, but I have this...

A promise that I will see you again. This time my eyes will not behold death, still little fingers and still little toes. Instead you will both curl sweet little hands around my fingers and I will kiss each of your wiggly little toes.

Thank you God for this promise. Thank you for an eternity that awaits.

Thankful

2009-11-26T09:12:00.010-05:00

I just realized it is the American Thanksgiving today. So....

Happy Thanksgiving! (to my American readers) and uh, to my Canadian readers... um, not so much.

Man, I SO want turkey and stuffing! Since that is SO not gonna happen I am going to just write a thankful list instead.

~I am thankful for tradesman. Not only does he still make my heart go pitter patter and look so very HOT in black shirts, he is my very, very best friend, my beloved, and the only one I would want to be on this crazy journey called life with.

~I am thankful for my 6 children here on earth. They fill my days with laughter, messiness, food prep, kisses, adventure, craziness, and they fill a longing so deep within me for a real family. A longing I have had since I was a little girl.

~I am thankful for our house. We no longer trip over one another. After 12 years in a condo and 5 kids born there, it feels as if our half renovated, half disaster house and property are a palace. My kitchen is big and equipped to feed a small army. (which is what I usually do everyday)

~I am thankful for my new church. It seems as if we have finally found the right fit for our family.

~I am thankful for family and friends. During this time of trial we have seen Gods love shine through for us. We have felt His arms wrap around us in the form of comments, prayers, emails, and food. People that I didn't even know well including online readers have found a special place in my heart just because of their response in this time of need.

~I am thankful that I am a person of few words.

~Never mind.

~I am thankful for my sweet babies in heaven. All 4 of them. Because of the great sorrow that is now interwoven into every fibre of my being, I have a very real and deep ache for heaven.

~I am thankful for my Saviour who has blessed me with all of this for now.

Moving On

2009-11-25T09:00:00.005-05:00

It's time to move on, right?

What does that look like exactly?

I guess getting out of bed for one thing, putting one foot in front of the other. Smiling at my children even if there are still tears running down my face.

Tradesman is back at work today. Hard for him to leave, it was hard for me to watch him.

I am comforted by the fact that many people are praying for us. More food came the other day. Despite my children's irresponsible parents who haven't stepped inside a grocery store or prepared anything for them, they are still eating.

I have been so touched how even complete strangers who are friends of friends have reached out. Honestly, if it hadn't been for some family and friends who have helped us in this manner I think we would have drown all the more.

During the times when tradesman and I just wanted to sit for hours reading and praying by the fireplace or lie down together crying, we could.

We didn't have to worry about how or what we were going to feed our other bewildered children.

Knowing that there are meals in the freezer for the coming days when everything seems so hard blesses me. It allows me to be a mama to my children who need me, and yet still a grieving woman.

We have decided to bury our babies here on our property. Tradesman plans on buying a box in the next couple of days. He wants to buy me a willow tree to plant near them in the spring. I have always wanted a weeping willow (how appropriate) in my yard someday. We will have a plaque made and have it screwed to a rock that will sit at the base of the tree.

Tradesman was outside yesterday walking around the side yard trying to find a place where I would be able to see the tree from my kitchen window. He kept waving and pointing his stake trying to get my attention. And all I could see was tiny, little fingers, and itty bitty little toes. The most beautiful, miniature bent little elbows.

These images will forever be engraved in my mind.

Finding normal may not be easy, but we will stumble through.

He draws near to those who draw near to Him. I think I will go sit at His feet for awhile.

A Letter to my Babies

2009-11-24T10:00:00.003-05:00

Dear Babies,

You were born late last night right into the arms of Jesus.

Daddy and I were scared, it was so very hard. I kept thinking that it was too soon, that this wasn't right. I wanted to keep you safe and sound and warm with me where you belong.

I knew with each stage that we were getting closer. It was so hard to go through it all knowing that my body wasn't working hard to bring life, but death.

I know that you are okay. I know that you are happy and so very loved exactly where you are. A beautiful new and perfect body you have been given.

Although your Heavenly Father chose not to restore you here on earth, I am comforted by the truth that you have been restored for glory.

I ache so very much for you both today. It's no longer "us" but just "me."

I think about all the things that I will never have with you both here on earth. That first incredible moment when you would enter the world with a cry and I would reach out to touch you, and comfort you for the very first time marveling at beautiful new life from my womb.

We will never rock together in my chair while I breathe in your sweet newborn smell. There will be no precious little suckling sounds at my breasts while I nourish your sweet little bodies.
Daddy and I will never get to nestle you both between us, tuck you in safe and sound, cuddling you in our bed. There will be no tangle of little legs and arms wrapped around us in the future making us laugh when we awake in the mornings.

No late night lullabies to help you sleep will be sung here.

Daddy had looked forward to getting to carry you in a sling. Mommy doesn't usually share that part very well but with two little babies, daddy would have finally gotten a turn.

There is something that you both need to know. You have the best daddy in the whole world here on earth. He is so strong around everyone else, and has been mamas rock.

When we are alone, he cries for you both. He never stopped praying for you and pleading for your lives. His faith has been my strength. And yet, his sorrow has been my comfort. I know that I am not alone in wanting you and loving you both.

We trust your Heavenly Father that He will keep you, love you, carry you until we can all be together again. There will be no sad tears, and it will feel like no time has been lost.

You will both always be a part of my very being. Never will a day go by that I won't think of you.

A piece of my heart you will carry in heaven until you are both given back to me.

Until that day when I can swaddle you against my chest, listening to your little hearts beat in rhythm, and feel your sweet baby breaths on my cheeks, I will remember you.

Love,

Your mama

Thank-you Lord for fulfilling the very deep desire of my heart, for giving me these babies, these sweet little twins to carry inside of me even for just a short while.

I know that you love them even more than I, so I will find peace in knowing that they are right where they are supposed to be.

Today

2009-11-23T08:00:00.005-05:00

Today we say goodbye to our precious little babies or today we stand in awe of a miraculous life-giving God.

Yes, we are still praying for a miracle. While most are sending us their condolences for our loss, we know some are still standing in the gap praying and petitioning for our babies lives.

God has had us on a journey this week. He has worked deep within our souls. We still feel called to pray and plead for our babies lives right until they leave my womb and God has clearly spoken.

It doesn't really matter what the doctors are saying. It doesn't really matter what the circumstances say. We serve an incredible God who heals, restores, and can bring to life.

We were encouraged by some to not grow weary or faint in our praying, to not lose heart. They promised to hold us up this week when we did. It has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Their faith spurred us on. Their encouragement reminded us that this is still not over.

Like Jesus teaches us how to pray in Luke 18:1 The parable of the persistent woman and the judge. She petitioned him relentlessly, so much so that he grew weary of her.

God does not grow weary of us. He wants us to call out to Him day and night and He bears long with us. He wants our faith.

Hebrews 11:1~ Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
2nd Corinthians 5:7~For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Like the widow we have no assurance of what His answer will be. We do not know the mind of the Lord.

And yet, we still need to get out of the boat. I cannot help but feel like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on the water out towards the boat. Jesus called to him and told him to "Come".

John 14:30,31 ~ But when he (Peter) saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Despite the rocky waters this week, despite the storm, I will still obey. I will get out of the boat. I will hold fast to my faith.

The difference is, this time we already have our peace. This time we go in hoping for a miracle but at peace with His perfect plan. Steadfast faith pleases our Lord. Steadfast faith grows us.

Either outcome still benefits us. I truly believe that.

If I leave the hospital today without my precious babies, I will still stand in awe of His greatness, and of His might because despite the sorrow that I will feel, I will marvel at what He has done in me.

I will never be the same.

And for that, I thank you God.

Blessed

2009-11-22T14:00:00.003-05:00

Wow. We have been blessed.

Over the weekend food came. A few meals to feed our family, fruit and veggies to make our kids happy.

Tradesman and I had still not been able to drag our butts to the grocery store, nor was I able to find the energy to make something hot and yummy to nourish my loved ones.

Still vomitting and feeling nauseous along with the emotional turmoil just seems too big a hurdle to find normal.

Thankfully, we are surrounded by people that care, that took the time out of their busy, full lives to make a meal, bake something and we are told that some even donated money for a little grocery shop for us.

I was completely overwhelmed by the generosity and the thoughtfulness. I cried and cried in my kitchen.

One young couple who I taught a few years ago in our highschool homeschool group are now married. The young man insisted to tradesman that he and his sweet wife wanted to bring us out a meal. We live an hour from them. They drove all the way out here just to drop off food for us knowing that we would not be up for a visit. They never expected it. They came, blessed us and then left again. What a sweet sacrifice.

I have never felt the hands and feet of Jesus in His people as much as I have in the last couple of days.

Knowing that others care, that others are thinking about us and praying for us is such a comfort.

It was so nice to watch my children happily eating around the table looking normal and cheerful.

What a cherished gift in this stressful time.

Along with encouraging comments, messages, and scriptures this week, I also received a very precious poem. It came from a very sweet friend and family member.

Over the past week some have shared in the comments their losses. I have received emails from my email group of sad testimonies and stories. I know some of you have followed me over from the blog frog where I posted a question on missed miscarriage, there I read many stories that made me weep with you.

I wanted to share this beautiful little poem that was given to me hoping that it might bring you some comfort as it did me.

Gone to a place

So sweet, so divine, so perfect

For the innocence of an unborn child

Or two, Or three, Or four

Conceived in love; In His likeness

Where they can dance, and sing, and praise

Their Father For giving them a mother and a father

Who will love them through eternity

From afar

Who will remember and cherish them

In words, prayer, and honour

Who will name them

As their kin

As they deserve

Until they can see each other

For the first time

In paradise

In Heaven

Grace

2009-11-21T08:00:00.001-05:00

I have had so much time to think this week.

I have been trying to comprehend how Gods will works. This is obviously something that our very human minds cannot grasp.

Over last weekend God gave me so much scripture. When I put it all together it seemed to paint a certain picture. A picture I so very much wanted. I believed I was going to receive a miracle.

When tradesman laid his hands on my tummy and prayed, begged and pleaded for the lives of our unborn babies he spoke with such faith, conviction and strength. We had no doubt. Zero.

I had so much joy. It was indescribable. It oozed out of me. I had a peace that passeth all understanding. One scripture that I wrote on my hand and looked at constantly was

Psalm 147:13 ~"He has blessed your children within you." (NKJ)

When I was up in the wee hours last Saturday, I came across it. It shot out at me like a light in the dark. It seemed like His promise to me. Coupled with many other truths he brought me over the next few hours I felt empowered.

I have never experienced faith like that. I have never experienced such joy and peace in a trial before. It really was amazing.

When we left the hospital Monday, I felt so defeated, bruised, broken, betrayed. I felt like I had been to battle and lost. I felt like my God had forsaken me.
Such a lie from the pit of hell. Satan comes to lie, steal, destroy, and to kill.

God NEVER forsakes His people.

I am afraid that this is not going to come out right but I am going to express it anyway. I feel this would have been easier if it had been only one baby. Yes, I would have grieved in so much the same ways. I would have begged and asked for a miracle just the same. One baby is not less important than two by any means.

What has been so difficult about this whole trial has been a prominent question that we have both been grappling with.

Why grant me the very desire of my heart, pick such an intimate request, longing and hope stored up inside of me and then take it away?

Every good and perfect gift comes from God. This was my gift. Or was it?

What if the twins were not the gift?

What if the gift was the suffering?

We have read alot as a family about the persecuted church, and the many native missionaries elsewhere in the world. We pray on a regular basis for them.

So much hardship, so much suffering for the cause of Christ. They endure such trials, ones we cannot imagine in our comfy little lives here in North America.

So many of us who profess to be Christians are unwilling to suffer even just a little bit.

If we give, we give what we are asked to give biblically but not a penny more. We spend time and money on silly pursuits and possessions. We are unwilling to give up movies, books, music, and television that portrays nothing of Gods attributes. Most of it laughs in the face of God and all the things that He holds dear.

There is no worthy thing to be found in any of this. And yet we still gather, spend, and partake. We are unwilling to take a stand, think outside of our own lofty ideas on things of the world.

Many of us have never shared the gospel. We think thats the job of our pastors, missionaries, evangelists. Stepping outside of our comfort zones to talk to the coffee shop lady, the gas attendent, the momma next to you at the playground is just too much to ask.

We want to say we are Christians, we want to talk the talk but we don't want to fully embrace the walk.

Why do churches thrive where there is so much persecution? Why are people so willing to die for their faith?

They know something that we don't. They already have all that they need.

The promise of salvation. It is enough. They get it.

Their souls have been saved from an eternity of hell. And if we have accepted Gods gift and are seeking to live out His righteousness than ours have been as well.
If that was all there was, is it not enough?

Gods grace. He says My grace is sufficient for you. Do you believe that?

I have begun too.

The layers may need to be stripped off one by one. One sacrifice at a time. Not everyones sacrifices are going to look the same. Maybe its giving up our children, maybe its wealth, status, a wayward son or daughter, a spouse that will never be saved, a perfect family, a fulfilling marriage, a job, a home, even our health. It could be simply pride, or selfishness.

I have had the layers stripped off throughout the years. I have had to give up much. I felt Him restore me each and every time. Not without suffering, or pain and not without sacrifice.

I have prayed over the last year that God would continue to refine me, to use me, and equip me for His purpose. This was a test.

Could I give back a gift, what I believed to be a promise, and still trust Him. Would I continue to praise Him.

Yes.

I will.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.

Yet, I will praise you LORD !

Please Father, hear my heart in the song below.

	Vineyard - Yet I Will Praise .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

(pause music in my sidebar)

In the grip of His grace,

A Reason to Smile

2009-11-20T20:00:00.007-05:00

We interrupt this regular depressing, scheduled programming to bring you a special broadcast by baby My My.

I am so cute!

I am so cute when I steal mamas toothbrush and pretend to brush my teeth.

I am so cute when I pretend to spit in the sink like mama.

I am so cute when mama puts goofy hats on me with giant pom poms.

They accentuate my very yummy chubby cheeks.

Chubby cheeks is very much the in thing with babies right now ~ in case you didn't know.

I am so very cute when mama is sad.

And I take that job very seriously.

Waiting

2009-11-19T20:00:00.002-05:00

Got a call from an OBs office today. A clinic has been set up with him on Monday. This comes with strict instructions from my doctor, the OB and even the receptionist..sheesh.

If at any time I begin to have symptoms... a fever, a sore abdomen, cramping, feeling unwell, spotting, weird discharge, a blue toe, new grey hair, whatever, I am to go directly to emergency.

As if tradesman is not anxious enough. Now I will receive 4632 calls from him tomorrow checking in from work. I'm usually the neurotic one.

So we simply now wait.

I need to find some normalcy in the next handful of days for my children.

They have been such troopers this past week. The eldest two have held down the fort most of the time. They had to babysit for almost 2 long days while I was out of town with both hospital visits and doctor.

They have all eaten cereal for breakfast, lunch and supper everyday unless of course you count the pogos tradesman made for them one night. Not a far stretch nutritionally from cereal, but hey, they had protein. (is processed wieners technically protein?)

I need to do my job, I need to grocery shop, I need to stop crying.

I have no idea what next week holds, it could be back to cereal again.
For now, for the next couple of days I will try to make the best of them.

I will watch my little girls dance in the kitchen when they ask me too. I will read stories to my two little ones and I will look braver so my big boys don't keep feeling the need to reach out and hug me everytime they walk by.

Its funny. I could barely be seen without my Bible in hand during the weekend. I poured over the scriptures with abandon. I would awake during the night and reach for it, I would arise early and soak it up. My Bible came with me to the hospital and tradesman and I read constantly. When I sat alone in the little rooms, I took joy in His word.

I have not opened it since Monday.

Thankfully, His words are very much stored up in my heart, mind and soul. Scripture has come to me abundantly since Monday, but I have had no desire to open His precious word.

My prayers spilled out of me during the weekend. Like my reading it was day and night. I always had so much to say. Now I open my mouth and nothing comes out.

Tradesman has prayed enough for both of us. He holds my hand and prays for me. He reminds me that I don't need to have words, but just to be still before God. The Holy Spirit will groan on my behalf. I take comfort in this.

It is time to turn back to His word now. There I will find ~

Solace

Strength

Truth

and most of all, I will find my God whom I so desperately need.

Thank-you for your prayers, encouragement, scripture, kind words and love.

Love,

One Day at a Time

2009-11-18T18:30:00.029-05:00

I was back into town an hour away again today. I had to have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. At this point I have been referred away from my midwife.

My doctor will be setting up a clinic with an OB and we will go from there. I was hoping that my body would naturally take care of this from here. But it does not seem to be so. The babies are measuring smaller than my dates which means that they have been gone for a short while.

Not only is there a concern for infection but that at this point in the pregnancy (14 weeks) complicated by the fact that I am carrying twins it is also a high risk for hemorrhaging.

My midwife, two OBs at the hospital and now my doctor have all agreed on this.
I feel helpless to fight it.

I am a good 1/2 hr. from a hospital and I'm told that that is plenty of time to bleed out before I get there.

Tradesman is afraid to go to work. He doesn't want me to wait to start miscarrying at home and then end up in serious trouble fast and unable to get to the hospital on my own.

Why cannot this be simpler?

Doing something invasive just seems to add insult to injury. The idea of someone going in and cutting out my little babies is an image that is more than I can bear.

I know that they will not feel anything. I know that their tiny bodies are still and yet it does not seem right nor bring me any comfort.

We cry out to God asking for an answer and yet He is silent on this. We have no peace.

~~~

This is the song that started playing in my van today right after I drove by a mom walking her twin babies in a tandem stroller.

(If you would like to hear it and follow along with the lyrics click below-there is no video just music. Remember to turn off my music in my sidebar)

My Heart Will Fly ~ Mercy Me

Why this happened I cannot explain

Why write the script with such heartache and pain

Could there not have been an easier way

Watching life through this glass so faded

I cannot see the bigger picture taking place

Oh to understand one day

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

It won’t be long 'till we all go home

With all things revealed

and on that day we’ll finally know

Oh, as we are fully known

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

And what appears as incomplete

Is still completely Yours

And one day we’ll see as we’ve been seen

And we’ll soar

My heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly away, away

Laying them Down

2009-11-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

4 days.

That's all it took to shake my faith to the very core. Oh how fickle we can be.

I am not immune to suffering. I could share many times in my life where it felt as if the pits were too deep, where the valleys were so very low. Life has not been all cheery and a bed of roses.

Miscarriage has stolen 2 other babies from my arms. What's so different this time?

Honestly, it feels as if I am being stripped bare, that those things in which I hold as so great a passion, as so very much a part of my very being are being all torn away.

There are not many in my life that can probably understand the very deep longing in my heart and soul for twins. One friend that I have had for years would probably be the closest besides tradesman. She has heard my laments throughout the years. Embarrassingly, she has seen my covetousness, and envy with each twin pregnancy that has been announced. I am ashamed to say that some of the pregnancies I was annoyed with. God had bestowed this blessing on some who wanted to end their childbearing, some who really weren't sure that this was a gift they wanted. (That changed of course)

I remember questioning God "Why not me Lord?" I will embrace them, nurse them, hold them, laugh at the craziness of it all and live each day in wonder and awe of such a fascinating gift. I felt ashamed of my jealousy. I prayed for each pregnancy that I heard about. Thanking God for giving that precious gift to them. Asking Him to reveal to them what an incredible joy it would be. Praying that they would see how very fortunate they were.

I realize that I sound selfish. I am just being real.

I have been given 6 precious, healthy babies. Raising them to serve and love the Lord with all of their heart is my greatest desire. I look at this as the very reason for my existence.

"What is the chief end of man?"
"To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

With each child He has bestowed on me I have taken the task very seriously. Pouring into them all that He has stored up in my heart.
Glorifying God by my daily actions, being sanctified in the difficulties, reaching, overcoming, persevering.

I do not take for granted how very blessed I am that I have been fertile and that my womb has been fruitful.
Barrenness is a pain so deep, so gut wrenching that I will not pretend to know how it could possibly feel.

Women lose their babies everyday. One woman I know recently lost her second baby after only 1 week of fighting for his little life here on earth. She has had to endure two full pregnancies only to have them end both in tragedy. To birth a child so full of promise and hope and then watch helpless as their little life is snuffed out of them only just a short time later. This kind of pain is not fair.

Losing a child at any age after you have given and poured into them so much, loved them, dreamed of their future and thanked God daily for them. I do not know this pain. I pray to God that I never do.

My pain is very real though. It engulfs me. It threatens to cripple me.

I guess its because I saw their little bodies, I felt the magic of it all. I fell so very much in love with them and the promise of the future. I felt God had reached down and given me the very desire of my heart. I felt so unworthy and in awe of His gift to me.

It felt personal, like He really saw me, saw my heart, my very real longings, my deepest desires and that He chose to grant them to me.

On Friday when they told me that there were no heartbeats, I chose to not believe it. I would not accept it. God had specifically given me this gift, He would not take it away. The weekend was spent in much prayer, praise and hungrily searching the scriptures. We went into Monday with renewed strength awaiting a miracle.

Yesterday, when it was again confirmed that indeed our little ones has lost their lives it just felt like a cruel joke. I was so very angry.

However, God is not in the business of cruel jokes. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. We cannot see the big picture. We cannot understand His ways and why He allowed this to happen.

I will hold steadfast to His promise that He works ALL things according to His purpose and for the GOOD of those who love Him.

Oh Father, I lay my precious babies down at the foot of the cross, I give them back to you. Not my will, but yours be done.

~ He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. ~

2009-11-16T21:30:00.006-05:00

We spent hours at the hospital today.

3 people came into the room to tell me my babies were dead.

I watched their little lifeless bodies on the screen in disbelief.
The beautiful, promising little flicker that beats in rhythm was just an unmoving, silent white blur on both of their small forms. And yet somehow, it screamed at me as if it could be the only thing heard in the room.

I felt as if I might stop breathing at any moment. The room felt so dark and depressing and yet moments before it had felt full of expectation and hope.

I had so many emotions while I lied there. Honestly, I cannot share them all right now. I will write throughout the week what the two days leading up to today held.

Tonight as I write this my babies are still tucked away safe in my womb. I hold them and cherish what little time I have left.

My body has not yet received the message that it is no longer needed to nurture these precious wee ones. I spent 30 mins over the toilet this morning vomiting continually until my stomach muscles ached. Its strange still feeling pregnant.

Nothing has changed, and yet everything has.

These two little ones now join our other two babies that have been lost throughout the years in heaven.
4 sweet children awaiting us in heaven.

Can I confess that I want these babies here on earth? Can I confess that it hurts so much I feel as if I'm suffocating?

(Turn off music in my sidebar)

Broken but not consumed,

~ I will Praise You in this Storm ~

2009-11-13T22:00:00.003-05:00

I am 13 weeks pregnant.

Yesterday I was elated to see TWO beautiful babies on the ultrasound screen.
It has been my hearts desire to have twins for as long as I can remember. I secretly have hoped each and every time that I have been expecting that just maybe there might be two little ones nestled together in my womb.

As I laid on the bed and stared in wonder, I felt that my greatest desire had been fulfilled. I left there in awe and amazement. I literally floated all afternoon and into the evening. When I called Tradesman, he got all choked up. After he ended his call with me he went out to the driveway of the customers house that he was at and dropped to his knees right there beside his van praising God for His gift to us, for His sovereignty and His goodness.

Last night we whispered and laughed, prayed and dreamed about all that was to come.

Today we received a call.
Our babies had died. A heartbeat could not be found on either of our babies.

We are bewildered, broken but not without hope. I will be going in for another ultrasound on Monday.
Two days to pray, trust and hope for a miracle.

He is still God and He is still on the throne.

We will praise Him if our babies are alive and well. We will praise Him if our babies are truly gone.

Please pray with us this weekend.

If you could leave a comment letting me know you are praying, I would find great encouragement in that over the weekend.

Love,

~Encouragement for Moms~

2009-11-03T21:00:00.009-05:00

You’re up all night with a screaming baby

You run all day at the speed of life

And every day you feel a little bit less

like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours

and you wonder if anything worth doing got done

Well maybe you just don’t know

or maybe you’ve forgotten

That you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

With every, “I know you can do it”and every tear that you kiss away

So many little things that seem to go unnoticed

they’re just like the drops of rainover time, they become a river

And you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

You’re beautiful, so beautiful

how you’re changing the world,

yeah you’re changing the world

You, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

I believe that you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

~Steven Curtis Chapman

Click HERE to listen to this beautiful song. (Turn off music in my sidebar)

"Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

~Proverbs 31:31

You are changing the world mamas.

Love,

~ A Reflection ~

2009-10-19T15:30:00.000-04:00

"A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself."

~ A.W. Tozer